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Saturday, July 16, 2011

Decisions..Decisions...

The last couple of years, making any type of "major" decision has been very difficult for me.  I think I spend too much time making pro/con lists and trying to think of every issue or hiccup that could come up.  Because of that I talk myself into and out of things because I am afraid of "making a mistake."  No more has this ever been more true when it comes to decisions that revolve around "MY CHILDREN".  I often feel a HUGE amount of pressure to not make any mistakes with them because of their history/past and all the issues they are dealing with.  You have seen examples of my indecisiveness  in my posts especially regarding school choices for Luke and Grace.

Mark and I have finally come to a very long and difficult DECISION regarding the school placement for the kids for next year.  Both Luke and Grace will be attending our neighborhood public school.  It pains me to write it.  It means that I will turn down a $3600 dollar scholarship for them to attend private Christian School.  We were blessed to be given this scholarship through "His Helping Hands Foundation".  Even after the scholarship it will cost us almost $1000 dollars a month to have them attend Christian School (rest of tuition, gas, hot lunch, extras like photos or book orders).  The truth is....the DIFFICULT truth is....admitting we DO NOT have that money.

More TRUTH....it leaves me feeling like a FAILURE.  In my mind I think..."what is wrong with me that I can't give a Christian school education for my children? They deserve it.  They've been through so much...etc.  My parents provided a Christian Education for me."  The facts are really 2 things.   First, we just can't afford it. Second most private Christian Schools do not accept kids like Luke that have special needs.  Not because they are wrong...they just do not have the ability to meet their needs.

So...it's time to move FORWARD and to LET IT GO.  I have to accept now that this is our path, that GOD, the creator the universe, knows my children and their needs and will protect them and uphold them and put the right people in their paths that will help them in school.

I am reminded in the midst of our school decision, in the midst of unknowns about Luke's eyes and sight loss, in the midst of Grace's speech difficulties and every other issue running around in my head...that God is LEADING me..He hasn't FORGOTTEN me and HE  has me on his mind.

"Yet I will not forget you.  See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands." Isaiah 49

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