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Friday, January 13, 2012

Failure




Wednesday was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right.  I should have known that my 4:15am wake-up call from Bella would lead to a long, difficult day.  AND that was exactly what happened.  The kids dragged their feet and nearly missed the bus, I took my client to WIC (Women Infants and Children) and took me 30 minutes to find a place to park, Grace has been going through a tough time lately.  School is challenging for her, and this challenge can often lead to frustration.  Took Grace to ballet, and one of her classmates was handing out cupcakes at the end of class.  So you can picture it...Grace had a giant, white, fluffy cupcake with sprinkles and Bella had NONE!  "Pease, pease mommy...mine...mine..pease, pease, mama...more, more."  When said cupcake was not handed over to B she proceeded to shriek and scream while everyone was starring at us.  Yes...I am that mom!!! The crazy mom who proceeded to "fail" at everything.   Luke was upset about the cupcake too.  Ugh..I can't win.  Luke told me about something upsetting that happened to him at school, and Grace refused to do her reading homework.  I finally lay the baby down at 9:00pm and she screams and cries.  Oh, happy day.



I admit it...I cried...more than once.  Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the loneliness I sometimes feel or the fact I haven't had a minute to myself this week, but I think the weight of the issues and the needs my kids have, left me feeling heavy, tired and weak.  The burden I carry for them, the angst I feel for them as I "let go" of them little by little, the understanding I have over there history, adoption and special needs, left me reeling.  That little voice, the one that creeps in the midst of weakness, the one that can overpower all reason and logic, that says you are not good enough. You will never be able to meet all their needs.  It is too much for one person.  What makes you think you can raise them well? The voice that says you are a failure. I felt like a failure.  Sometimes they need so much, and my two arms are stretched out as far as I can reach, and I often come up short.

I question..."am I doing everything I can for them?"  "Do they need more?"  "How can I help Grace read better?" "Is Luke doing his homework?" "Did Bella put something in her mouth she can choke on?  Where is Bella?"  "Does Grace need to be evaluated for special services at school? Do I wait, do I proceed?  How best do I advocate for their needs?"  It is never ending. 

It leaves my head spinning, and me sitting here re-evaluating everything in my life.  Do I take on too much?  Is there things I can give up?  What do I really want for my kids?

And then...before the realm of panic sets in.... that voice, the voice that speaks peace, calms fears and quiets the soul becomes clear.  "YOU are the one I choose for these children.  YOU are the mama I had in mind when I created each one of them.  YOU are MORE than enough.  YOU need to rest in MY STRENGTH not your human strength.  This is MY plan for you.  YOU are NOT a FAILURE."  And then...I CAN breathe.  I can dry my tears and start back in where I left off.  Picking up toys...oh the toys...washing laundry, washing dishes, washing faces, washing away the world and building back up 3 precious babes so they can go back out into the WORLD and the process can start all over again.  And I am reminded that despite the trial and the days I feel as though I failed...I wouldn't trade any of it.  The journey is challenging but the rewards are great...as I face difficulties it challenges me, inspires me and changes me...for the better.

 "My life is being poured out as a part of the sacrifice and service [I offer to God] for your faith. Yet, I am filled with joy, and I share that joy with all of you." Philippians 2:17

1 Corinthians 1:27 ..."and God has chosen the weak things of the world to  put to shame the things which are mighty."

2 comments:

Amber Polen said...

Great post Carissa!! I was about to call you, very worried because I know you are supermom, and it made me worry. But I love how you hear God so clearly and have the wisdom to follow his plan. Your children are a blessing and they are extraordinarily blessed to have you and Mark for parents. There is no excuse for you to be lonely, we all love you. I am here if you ever need another mom to have a break, fellowship with or just to chit chat.

Carissa said...

Thanks Amber for your encouragment! Sometimes we just go through seasons where things are difficult. I so often wish I lived closer to the church and the families. It is difficult for me. I will call you and get together. Didn't mean to worry you :)

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