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Friday, May 18, 2012

Enough

This week has been a crazy one!  It seems each week brings appointments, meetings and activities with it.  This week was full of karate, baseball, ballet, a trip to the ENT and occupational therapy. This week also brought us the opportunity to decide if we would foster a 2 1/2 year old boy.  Almost every week since January, the Department of Children and Family Services has been calling asking our family to foster a little boy.  There was the little love with the skull fracture, the toothless 6 month old, the 1 year old or the countless others that I have said "no, not right now" to.  Each time my heart breaking for the stories recounted on the other end of the phone.  Each time feeling like I am letting someone down.  Each time wondering "could I do more?  Am I doing ENOUGH?" 
(Luke and Baby G)

I don't know what it was about this phone call that actually made us consider.  Maybe it was his name (they are always more real when you know their names), maybe because I battle the internal struggle of "am I doing ENOUGH for God?"  Maybe because I know that just due to the fact that I was born in the USA, I have MORE than nearly 90% of the world's population.  We could squeeze ONE more in.  I could love a baby that needs a "for awhile" mommy.  I have been that before.  The words ring in my head, "to whom much is given, much will be required."  I take that VERY seriously.
(Isabella 3 days old)
We pray, and I dig deeper into finding out more about his case, birth family and needs.  God speaks CLEARLY, we obey, we say "NO".  My heart breaks.  Being a foster parent comes with some very serious risks.  Risks to our family, my career as a teacher, risks to our children.  This case carried a very HIGH risk to our family and we could not accept.  I cry out "am I doing ENOUGH God? I know what YOUR word says about defending the fatherless and speaking for those who cannot speak!"  Isaiah 1:17 "Seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow."  James 1:27 says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
(Luke and Baby K)
I read a lot.  I love to read other adoption blogs.  Foster adoption, private adoption, international adoption, it doesn't matter.  It is encouraging to read about others experiences with adoption.  I am always moved with the miraculous stories told of how their children came to be with them.  I read about a mom who has adopted 9 children, or Katie from Uganda who moved to that country and has 14 daughters (she is 22 years old) or the blog about a foster mom's journey.  I compare myself and feel less than ENOUGH.  I could be doing more, I should be doing more...I am not ENOUGH.
My 3 blessings!
I heard it said this last month that we need to "respond to the CALLING and not the NEED."  This is TRUE.  If I focused solely on the NEED, I would be doing things for the wrong reasons.  I am ONE.  I can't save all the orphaned children (147 million of them).  But I can do MY part to help the orphan crisis.  We have adopted 2 and we have been parents to 14 children since 2004.  Lately, I have been asking "what is MY calling?"  This is what I know...my CALLING is to these 3 little people that God entrusted me with.  The truth....2 of them were orphans.  God set the lonely in our family and wove us together to create something beautiful.  If I spend my days focusing on the NEED, or wondering if "I am doing ENOUGH?" I am missing out on the CALLING that HE has set in front of me.
(Baby R)

So...I asked that our foster license be put "on hold".  That means we are still a licensed foster family, but not accepting placements at this time.  My kiddos combined needs are great.  In the foster care system they have a level system to determine the needs of the children.  Level 1 is considered "basic" level or "typical" developing and it goes up to a Level 4 (high needs, medical needs, developmental needs).  Grace is considered a Level 2, Luke is considered a Level 4.  Miss B, is just Miss B, with her own set of "needs" including not wanting to separate from mommy and purely being 2 years old :)  I wouldn't change anything...not one bit.  Not the challenge, therapies, medical issues, nothing.  It has helped shape me and mold me into the person God wants me to be.  Truth is I don't know if there will be anymore kids for our family.  I am open to another either through adoption or biological.  But I am in no hurry.  Right now I know that I am in HIS will.  And I am doing ENOUGH.  I am ready for whatever HE might call us to in the future, but I am not looking or worrying about it.  HE is ultimately ENOUGH! When we were struggling to have a family, I had to come to a point and make peace with the fact that if we never had a baby, that it was OK and it was ENOUGH.  That was a difficult place to come to.  I wanted a baby so badly, but I surrendered to God and told him that I was incredibly blessed with my husband and that it was ENOUGH. I am so BLESSED!  I thank God for all the wonderful, incredibly blessings HE has given us.  Thank you God for being ENOUGH. 
(My 3 babies at the Happiest Place On Earth "Maui")

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