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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Where have I been...?

I realize that it has been quite awhile since I last posted....and I had promised before that I would post about my recovery from the c-section. So, where have I been....? One simple word "surviving." My battle with the sinus/ear infection was I suppose just a virus, I never responded to 2 different types of antibiotics. I guess at nearly 5 months later...I am still recovering from having Isabella. You see...I never thought it could happen to me. I never thought that it would effect me....In all honesty I thought it was just for "other" moms. Not moms who wait for 7 years to give birth to a child. But it has happened to me and I refuse to be embarrassed or hide. I have postpartum issues. It began about 4 months to the day of giving birth and I am still fighting and trudging my way through all of these new feelings, emotions and issues. I am told that my intense pregnancy coupled with a surgical delivery and my history contributed to my struggles. Also the fact that I haven't slept well in 5 months hasn't helped. I am now on a quest to find wholeness and peace as the anxiety is debilitating at times....but I am not giving up and I am not giving in. I keep reminding myself that God is in control, that sometimes He allows things to happen to us and that all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. You see...I have had to make some changes in my life and I am trusting God fill in the gaps and the parts that I do not know or understand. The biggest change is I had to let my job go. It was a huge source of anxiety and stress for me. I need to focus on my children, and myself and getting well. But God has opened another door for me. I am going to teach computer class at the kids' school 2 afternoons a week. I have also been offered to teach one music class at the kids' school too. I am still praying about that.

I can look back and see the warning signs...I can see the things I should have done different. I shouldn't have tried to been "super mom". I should have asked for more help...I should have not expected perfection from myself. I have to change. I am asking for help. I am realizing I need others and help and I have to reach out. I am trying to be transparent and honest with something for which I am struggling. I am learning to let go. I would sure appreciate your prayers during this time.
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