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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Time is Life

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.~ J.R.R. Tolkien

I look around the kitchen table tonight.  Three kids chatting and arguing and discussing silly things while slurping noodles and chicken.  My almost 11 year old boy, becoming more of man with each passing tick of the clock.  My almost 9 year old daughter, surrounded by her latest drawings and paintings, awakening hidden talent and gifts.  My almost 4 year old, full of life, conversation and personality.  I want to freeze time.  Stop the rotation of this planet, slow it down for awhile.  How is it that my son is almost 11, my girl almost 9, and the baby almost 4?  When did it happen?  I am blinking and time is ticking away...

I recently read a life changing book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  So much of the book spoke to me. To the deep spirit.  She writes, "They say time is money, but that's not true.  Time is life.  And if I want the fullest life, I need to find fullest time.  I wipe a water spot off the tap; there is a reflection of me.  Oh, yes, I know you, the busyness of your life leaving little room for the source of your life.  I'm the face grieving.  God gives us time.  And who has time for God?"  The words hit me smack in the face.  I am the guilty one.  Guilty of wasting time, wishing away time, hurrying time up...getting to the next thing, the next milestone, next appointment, next therapy, next house, next car, next vacation, next weekend.  Guilty of trying to cram too many activities in our limited time, pushing harder, always racing from one things to the next.  Hurry up, faster, quicker only to realize my goal for efficiency was really throwing time away.
Psalms 39:6 says, "We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing."  The alarm rings and the race begins.  Hurry, hurry, hurry, rush, rush, rush.  Many mornings spent in frustration and tears because of time.  Thoughts about is this right?  How can I slow things down? Am I spending my time the way I am supposed to?  I struggle with time.  We face each other and awkwardly dance.  Time slips away and is ever present.  You can't buy more, stop it, slow it down.  It is not a respecter of persons. And so the question remains...what am I doing with the limited time I have? Life is but a mist.  Am I living in the moment?  Am I savoring each experience?  Time will continue to march unable to stop it.
I am watching my almost four year old sleep next to me on my bed in the family room.  Yes, my bed is in the family room.  About a month ago our furnace went out.  It is located in our attic.  It leaked water.  A lot of water.  My master bedroom and bathroom are out of commission until the repairs have been completed.  Meanwhile...I am sleeping in the family room (not so soundly).  I look upon my sleeping beauty and wonder when did her little legs get so long?  Her hair grow out?  When did she lose the baby fat in her cheeks?  Tears fall.  When will be the last time I hold her?  Carry her to her bedroom?  How long till she doesn't need me to buckle her in her car seat, hold her hand to cross the street or want to ride in her stroller anymore?  Time...tomorrow another day older than before.  

I think about the things that are important to me.  My husband, my kids, my family.  I wonder everyday am I doing a good job?  Am I training my kids up the way I desire?  I fail.  I fail daily.  I yell, I overreact, I hurt, I struggle.  Each day I get up and face the day...most days I get up and feel my heart beating out of my chest.  Sometimes the day seems like a mountain, unable to climb from where I sit.  I worry and stress.  I hold myself to an impossible standard.  

I long for enough time to accomplish the purpose God has set out for me.  To be thankful for each moment, to be thankful for each be thankful for all the time that has been given.
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