Day 192: Grief

There is not one of us that has gone unscathed by grief during this pandemic.  It is a lingering friend, that has overstayed their welcome.  How many of you can identify something you are grieving about?  I can look around in my small inner circle of friends and family and identify all kinds of grief in the last 165 days.  Some have had to cancel travel plans and trips, and others the grief over losing their jobs.  Some...have been dealing with the unthinkable grief of losing a loved one during this time.  As if that is not hard enough (grieving for your loved one), they are often grieving the loss of being able to plan funerals and memorial services they way that they would have liked to.  

In my immediate family, my kiddos have grieved the loss of their "normal" world of school and friends.  In a matter of days, they lost their entire social circles, schools, teachers and routine.  Now, many months later they are grieving the start of their school years, by clicking buttons to enter and exit virtual classrooms.  My daughter started high school in her bedroom on a chrome book.  It was surely not the "welcome to high school" experience that I wanted for her.  The littlest Dahl has been asking to go to school everyday for the past two weeks.  "I want to go to school," he exclaims.  I wish buddy...I wish.   

Grief has touched each one of us.  Myself included.  I have shared this with approx. three people.  In February, I applied for graduate school.  It has been a dream of mine since 2005 to earn my masters degree in education.  I came very, very close to finishing my masters degree in 2007, and took a leave of absence from college because we had just adopted our second kiddo (Grace).  To make a long story short, I wasn't able to complete the last couple of classes due to miscommunication and a paper filing error on the schools part.  

It has taken me nearly nine years to let all of that go, to forgive and to have the courage to say, "I would like to try again."  So in February, I began the application process at George Fox University to earn my masters in education with a specialization in reading and literacy.  It took ALOT of work to apply.   Essays, letters of recommendation, transcripts, etc.  It was a long process.  I finally heard in July that I had been accepted into the program!  I was so excited!!! I paid the registration fee to hold my spot.  One week later...I found out that my kids would be distance learning again.  After so much soul searching I realized that I would not be able to do both (grad school and distance learn with my kids).  I contacted my advisor to tell him the news.  It was a very difficult call for me.  Ultimately, we decided to defer my start date until next fall and thankfully I do not have to reapply.  Giving that up this year was difficult for me and I am still processing the grief.

We’ve all lost things this year.  In fact, I have heard many people describe 2020 as “the lost year.”  I can’t help but thinking, “was there some great lesson I am supposed to be learning from all this?” But..maybe there isn’t any lesson to be learned.  Maybe life just is hard sometimes.  Circumstances stink and life isn’t fair.  I can’t control anything, and that is a scary feeling.  The one thing I can control is myself, my reactions, my attitude.  I’ll be honest...I’ve thrown some pretty ripping fits during all of this COVID crap.  I am not proud.  So not proud.   But more times than not I’ve been patient, or caring or tried to do the right thing.  So take heart my friends...keep showing up, keep trying, keep taking it day by day.  We can all get through this.  We can exist in spaces of grief and joy, sorrow and happiness, all

at the same time.

Coronavirus: Day 155

It's been awhile my sweet friends, but I am here.  I can hardly believe this is the 155th day of the coronavirus having an impact on our daily lives. I never would have thought or believed that when the quarantine began 155 days ago, that we would still be dealing with the virus.  Our daily lives have changed dramatically.  Our world looks different.  My children were supposed to return to the classroom this fall...but distance based learning will continue.  Last March, I would never have predicted we would continue online learning at the beginning of the new school year.  But here we are.  Here we all are.  

There isn't one person that hasn't been affected by this virus.  That thought is both comforting and unbelievable.  Never in my lifetime did this possibility ever enter my mind.  Despite the changes, and masks, and social distancing, and mandates and new rules...life continues on.  My dear readers...since life goes on even during the craziest of times, this is my attempt to catch you up on the goings on of life in our Dahlhouse.  Enjoy.

Let's start with the littlest Dahl.  Matthew is nearly 4.5 years old.  Wait...he is 4.5 years old today!  Crazy.  He is my little ray of sunshine, my sweet buddy and shadow...that is unless dad is around.  Then, I don't exist.  He has finally fully potty trained, even at night.  Bless! He continues to be obsessed with trains and vehicles.  Our house is one big area for building railroad tracks...upstairs, downstairs, tables, couches, under furniture, down the stairs...doesn't matter.  If there is open space, Matthew sees an opportunity to conduct his little trains all around the tracks.  He is at the age where he is looking for validation and feedback from adults.  So it seems every two seconds, "Hey mom, look at __________."  I respond to him and then the next five seconds, "Mom look at this cool railroad track," or "Mom are you proud of me?"  He has really began verbalizing and expressing himself where anyone can understand now.  In early September we have an appointment for another evaluation for feeding therapy at a new clinic.  I still feel there is work to be done in this area.  I have promised myself that I wasn't going to worry or "borrow trouble" over the lack of variety in his food choices during the coronavirus.  But, I would be lying if I didn't mention that those thoughts exist in the back of my mind. 

The littlest Dahl lady is our regular comic relief.  I continue to write down all the amazingly humorous comebacks she has.  Bella enjoys helping me around the kitchen, jumping on the trampoline and playing with her best friend on our street.  I am so thankful that she has a sweet friend to play with.  I often find them creating elaborate stories and worlds for their dolls.  It makes me smile as I eavesdrop on their conversations.  I am so glad they just get to be kids right now, even in the midst of a pandemic.  Bella has been very artistic and dabbling in just about every form of art medium there is.  She has also taken to rearranging her room four to five times since March (just like her mama).  

Grace is our in house baker and has been making the most delicious baked goods.  Snickerdoodles, brownies, banana bread, cowboy cookies, no bake cookies, rice crispy treats.  She is amazing.  Grace is very into Kpop these days (Korean pop music) like most of her friends.  She enjoys her group of girl friends and I am so thankful that they have been able to get together more and hangout.

Luke has spent a lot of time learning the ways of Minecraft.  I enjoy hearing his conversations from downstairs while he is playing with his friend.  Well...mostly.  My boy can be LOUD!  Every so often from the family room I hear Luke upstairs yell, "Yaaaaaa.....let's GOOOOOO!"  or "I need help, I need help, I need help."  It makes me smile.  Luke and I have played a lot of board games.  Currently, Sequence is our fav.  I think I am on a winning streak right now.  I do not go easy on my kids when it comes to games.  Lol.  We've also dabbled in a bit of Monopoly too.  

Mark has been working tirelessly for BNSF.  He will celebrate his 16th year with his company in October.  After nearly two years working the road and traveling with the trains, he is coming back to the yard to work a predictable schedule and have set days off.  It is time.  We all miss him terribly and the weird, unpredictable hours have been more difficult for him.  Also, with this year going to be distance learning for awhile with four kids, Mark's help will be extremely valuable.  He looks forward to doing projects, hunting and fishing and finally being able to ride his motorbike.  I am so, so grateful for his hard work for our family.

I have been keeping things together here at the Dahlhouse, or at least attempting to.  I started a new independent contractor position with a company called Outschool.  It's been amazing so far.  I am writing and creating classes and teaching them via Zoom.  It has been awesome to not have to get up at 4:00am and also get to tap into my creative side.  I'll be scaling back some of my classes this fall because I have to make certain that I am fully available for my kids and their distance learning schedules.  I continue to go to my weekly therapy sessions with my counselor.  I am so thankful to have someone to help with my mental health during this time of the Coronavirus.  I am certainly not ashamed to say hey, "I need help."  It makes me a better mom, a better wife, a better friend and a better version of myself.  

As we begin gearing up for fall, I am reminded that this season of pandemic will end.  It will not be forever.  I am holding onto that thought, and believing for brighter days ahead.

Coronavirus: Railroad Wife Edition (Day 66)

Someone asked me the other day, “when is Mark going to be on a “normal” Work schedule again?”  Oh if I had a dollar for every time I have been asked that in the last 18 months!  LOL.  I wish I had answer and knew.  Believe me...there is no one who wants that more than this girl right here.  I think the best answer I can give to that question is when I decide to go back to work as a teacher.  Even part time teaching would be enough money for Mark to work in the train yard instead of traveling on the trains.  The train yard equals a set schedule with set days off.  You see...I had this plan...we had this plan.  I have worked all school year on taking the necessary requirements to renew my teaching license.  I finally finished this past month and submitted all the necessary documentation to the state. But as we all know...the coronavirus is here and has disrupted all our lives.  They really aren’t hiring any teachers right now. Ive applied for a few jobs, but have heard nothing.  VIPKid has decided to cut teacher pay across the board starting August 1. Finally, I had enough bad news and called my mom yesterday and just let it all out (vented, cried, laughed...all the emotions).  Now...we just wait.  

What is it like to live an “on call” schedule with a family?  Mark works for the BNSF Railway as a train conductor.  He has been doing various positions within the company for the past almost 16 years.  My favorite position was when he mentored in Kalama, WA, and my least is him working the “road” or traveling with the train to Pasco and back.  

We have learned to exist in this place where we literally cannot plan anything ahead of time.  Everything, except for his vacation weeks, is done last minute.  Birthday parties, dates, meeting with friends, making appointments, holidays, school events, etc. is all decided last minute.  For example, last week was my birthday and mom is wanted to plan a BBQ.  Mark decided to take some personal leave days last week so we could make plans to celebrate my birthday, otherwise it would have been up to the railroad gods what would have happened.  Mom is great about being flexible and making things work too.  

Sometimes I am relaxed and go-with-the-flow and sometimes I HATE it so much.  It is difficult to not be able to plan, And it is also difficult to know exactly how long he has off between trips.  Mark gets a specific amount of “rest time” before they can call him again.  Sometimes Mark can predict when he will get his call for work, and sometimes he is way wrong.  The phone can ring at anytime day or night.  Many nights he kisses me goodbye at 2am, 4am etc.  We just never know.  

Mark and I are planners.  We want to plan.  We want to go out with friends.  But sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  Ive learned to be okay with it mostly, although some days it gets to me (like everyone else).  Ive learned to live in the space of the unknown and needing to be flexible.  When Mark leaves for a trip to Pasco he is usually gone 36 to 48 hours (occasionally sometimes more).  I am on my own.  I have learned to be more self-reliant.  I have fixed vacuums, rescued toddlers from locking themselves in bedrooms, repaired broken trains, fixed TVs, navigated tire rotation, emergency trips to the ER, and I am sure a zillion other little things.  I manage the house, the kids, the bills, the appointments and everything else. 

In the beginning of our marriage Mark worked for a high voltage electrical testing and maintenance company.  I would often spend days and weeks on my own as the company traveled to different work sites.  I think the longest trip apart we had was a little over one month.  He traveled to Texas and then Ohio.  I learned to be independent and self reliant.  It is more different now with kids.  I navigate the physical, emotional and now educational needs of these fabulous four kiddos.  Most days go by in a blur.  Me moving from one task to the next in a kind of choreographed dance.  From dressing, cooking, potty training, and Zoom meetings...to wiping floors, tables and sticky hands...to managing medicine, appointments and behavior...to cleaning toddlers and toilets, clothes and floors.  And before I know it finally to drop into bed at night only to rise in the morning and do it all over again.  

I am not really sure where I am going with this post only to say parenting is hard.  Whether single parenting or both partners together, foster parenting, grandparents raising kiddos...caretaking is hard work.  We all face our challenges, especially in this time of pandemic.  Carry on my fierce friends...we got this!

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 61

Quarantine day 7582, or so it feels like it...What day is it today?  I could have sworn that yesterday was Friday and not Thursday.  How is life going where you are at?  We are here...we are surviving. My house is currently a mess, and I.have.given.up!  Want to get out all your trains?  Sure.  Want to rearrange your bedroom furniture?  Why not.  You want to use the glue gun for the first time?  No problem just don’t burn yourself too badly.  We aren’t going to the ER.  My defenses are permanently down and as long as they are getting along and happy I am ALL for it.  

Currently Miss B is in constant “project mode.”  She always has something up her sleeve and most of her conversations with me begin, “I know you might say no...” But lately “yes” has been the only thing coming out of my mouth.  This week has been popsicle sticks and glue gun week.  Y’all I literally had to use a butter knife to peel up the hot glue stuck to my floor.  I am certain I have no more glue gun sticks and we’ve been through a zillion sticks, but her heart is happy.

She has also asked me to teach her how to sew.  Now...my sewing are pretty basic, but it didn’t stop us from making a Pioneer girl dress and bonnet for her social studies class.

We’ve been having other adventures including jumping on the new trampoline.

 Buying concessions at our favorite local movie theatre and having family movie nights.

I even let the littles make slime.  And I HATE slime.

Backyard fishing...

Silly straw drinking...

New bicycle riding for this babe.

I was able to finish a photo book of our trip to Hawaii two years ago.  I really enjoyed making it; however, it only made me want to go to Hawaii more.

We’ve had several virtual doctor’s appointments and therapy appointments.  I’m telling you...I feel like the household manager keeping track of every Zoom meeting both educational, medical and therapy.

I was so happy to be able to celebrate Mother’s Day at a social distance with my mom and Roger.  It made me feel happy to see them and talk to them even though we couldn’t hug.  Mark BBQd and I set up this special social distance space for them and to honor mom on Mother’s Day.  We were able to FaceTime with my brother and sister and it was almost the perfect day.  It would have been perfect had David and Katie been with us.  I miss them so much.

Last weekend we had some great weather, and since neither Mark nor I are saying “no” to anything at this point, the littles talked him into blowing up their pool and floats.  And they swam the afternoon away.

Don’t let these happy pictures fool you and think things are just “picture perfect” around here. Because I am the first one to line up and tell you I am struggling.  Some days it is just plain difficult to get out of bed.  I even text my mom one day this week (can’t remember which ha!) that I knew today was going to be hard.  Each day feels the same as the next with very little variance.  The days Mark is home I feel a bit better and motivated to help him with anything he is working on.  Honestly, the kids school assignments, zoom meetings and moving from one kid to the next has zapped all my energy.  If there was an end date set on this quarantine I could talk myself up and make it through.  It’s all the unknowns that leave me feeling uneasy and sometimes panicky.  And then the what if’s show up... What if the kids don’t go back to school in the fall?  What if Mark gets laid off from work?  What if we get the Coronavirus?  I am finding it difficult to know what to believe.  What is truth and what is not, and how to navigate this new, weird world around us.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 42

Can I go to Target yet?  I am missing me some Target.  LOL.  Day 42 of quarantine.  In case any of you are curious, I am up to 63 loads of laundry during this quarantine.  My hair is a hot mess.  I missed my hair appointment by two days before the shut down. My nails are short, and the makeup I ordered from Macy’s two and half weeks ago has yet to come.  

To be honest, I had a good cry today.  Everyday just kind of feels the same.  Matthew was worried when he saw me cry.  “Why are you sad mom? I’ll make you feel better,” and he gives me a kiss.  Sweet babe.  I told him I was just done with the Coronavirus.  I miss my people.  I miss the kids’ school and play dates with friends.  I am trying to find the normal with Zoom school but man it is sooo not the same.  I am still grieving, like I am sure we are all grieving.  

I found out yesterday that our reservation at Great Wolf Lodge was cancelled.  It was scheduled for June 14.  They are opening up June 16.  Even though I kind of figured it would be cancelled, I was still sad.  I know we will reschedule for a later time, but it would have been nice to get away and go.  

Some days I feel like my life is cook a meal, clean a meal, cook a meal, clean a meal, cook a meal, clean up a meal.  Do they really need to eat again?!?!  I kid...but wow.  I feel like I haven’t ever done this much cooking.  

The kids are troopers.  I realize it is as difficult for them as it is for me.  Bella and walk the neighborhood in the evenings and she has decided she is redecorating our front porch and flower bed.  She feels designing is her calling.  Haha. That girl.  She has looked at all the houses in our neighborhood for inspiration.  She had me out weeding the flower bed with her yesterday so Mark would go to Lowe’s and buy all the flowers on her list.  Off Mark went to Lowe’s today and came home with flowers, shrubs and a gardening kit for Bella.  She has us both wrapped around her finger.  

This time shall pass, and things will go on...perhaps different than before, but I know life will continue.  I know I will be thankful for things that I once took for granted, like having lunch with my mom, the kids’ schools, eating a restaurant with my husband.  It is these things I keep in my thoughts and look to the future with hope.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 29

I've done 43 loads of laundry since the quarantine started.  I really have no idea why I am keeping track of that, other than it is something interesting.  One load in the washer...one tally mark.  The cycle will continue...wash cycle, dry cycle, fold cycle, repeat...over and over and over again.

I've read 4 books since we've been home, and played many rounds of Yahtzee. I am currently being tutored by Luke on how to play Sequence.  I have yet to do any puzzles even though I enjoy them.  I have a couple of them waiting to be put together.  I can't do a puzzle without thinking of my Grandy.  She and I used to do puzzles together when I would stay the night with them at their house as a child. Such good memories.

The weather has been very nice this past week.  It was above 70 degrees a few days this last week, which means only one thing to my littles "swimming".  We have one tiny, and I mean TINY, blue swimming pool.  Miss B got it all set up.  She had chairs, and towels and toys for her and Man Cub.  They were sitting "poolside" with their feet in the water.  Oh. my. gosh.  I just love them so much.

This past week felt more "normal" than any of the others since we've been quarantined.  The majority of time is spent doing school with the kids, checking Google Classroom, responding to emails, and setting kids up in Zoom meetings.  Wow...even as a teacher, it is an undertaking.  I keep reminding myself that I don't have to be perfect.  My goal is focusing on what I feel are the basic subjects/skills: Reading, Writing and Math.  Luke still has World History and Chemistry and Health, but with the girls we are just scaling back and focusing on those things.  I try and be finished by 1pm so the kids can have the afternoon to relax, chat with friends, play video games and outside play.  I enjoy reading and I need time to get other things done too (laundry, bills, cleaning, planning, cooking).

Matthew has finally decided that going potty isn't as scary as he once thought.  So, in the midst of schooling all the kids, I am running him to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so (which is so fun, let me tell you).He is really doing well, but still behind other kids his age in this skill.  He has had some great success, and those Thomas the Train underwear really are the cutest on him.  My favorite is when he goes into the bathroom, he looks at me and says, “I’m doing really great mom!”  Yes buddy, yes you are.

This past week, I was able to sew some masks for our family and for some friends. I realized I had all the supplies on hand because I make hair scrunchies.  It took me a few patterns before I found the one that worked for me. Making masks made me feel happy and productive.  It was a way I could give back to others during this time.

And in other news...Mark and I finished watching "Tiger King." Although, Mark could never say the title of the show correctly, which was hilarious!  He would say to me, "Babe you want to watch "Tiger Shark?"  Or, "You want to watch "Shark Tank?"  "Ummm nope," I would laugh.  He even called "Joe Exotic"  "Joe Dirt."  Oh my goodness...Mark makes me laugh.  "Tiger King" was a weird, bizarre distraction from the Coronavirus, and we now know what everyone is talking about.  LOL.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 20

Today has been hard.  I think we are all grieving in our different ways for things we have lost.  Teen girl desperately misses her friends and the mall.  Teen boy misses all the people on our block and the animals.  He misses school too.  Pre-teen girl misses her friends at school, and playing outside with her bestie on our block.  Man Cub misses Wal Mart and Great Wolf Lodge.  I am missing my support system, nail salon and hugging my mom.

I am hopeful with some nice weather heading our way this next week, that being outside and soaking in the vitamin D will help our moods improve a bit.  We do practice being thankful.  We have so much to be thankful for: a warm home, our health, food, a covered back patio and so much more.  But I know how important it is to acknowledge our feelings and feel them when they happen.  Grace upon grace...so much grace friends.

So instead of sharing all the difficult this past week...I want to share some joy.  Miss B is full of humor and comic relief when you need it.  I want to share just a few of the things she has said.  For the past several months, I have been writing down the hilarious things she says...who knows? Maybe someday I will write a book.

Without further ado here is Life According to Bella:

Getting out of the shower this week Bella says to me, "I'm becoming a real woman because I now need the hair towel."  

Mark talking to the kids about being thankful.
Mark: "I need you take what I am saying seriously."
Bella: "I can't take anything seriously."

Bella came into my bathroom this morning while I was getting ready for the day.
Bella: "Mom, Dad made breakfast again and it was better than last time.  Nothing was burnt.  He made French toast, bacon, and a side of Luke arguing about everything."

I was talking to Bella last week
Me: "Matthew seems happier now."

Bella: "That's because he's with the fun master!"

Luke and Bella talking about wanting Menchi's (frozen yogurt).  

Bella: "Oh, I haven't had Menchi's in forever!"

Luke: "I thought you can't have the dairy in the yogurt?"

Bella: "Oh well...I can power through it."

Bella announces to me, "Mom, I want to go to the Burj Khalifa."

Me: "what????"

Bella: "You know the tallest tower in the world in Dubai.  Hashtag goals."

I am so glad for the gift of my kids, even if they are difficult and drive me crazy at times.  They bring such joy and I am grateful for their companionship during this time.  Someday we will look back and see what a gift this was.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 15

Thirty days ago, this was not even remotely a possibility in my mind.  Schools closing, non-essential business closing, people losing jobs, people getting sick, people dying.  Words such as “social distancing” and “covid-19” and “pandemic” were not apart of my vocabulary.  Yet, here we are...wearing masks and gloves to buy groceries and other essential items.  This is now my grocery shopping normal.  My reusable mask, with a pocket for the filters, is a staple when I leave my house now.  Along with disposable gloves, hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes.  I find myself calculating the risk of leaving the house for groceries vs. staying home for another day.

However, today was a day I needed to get some things for my crew.  I left all the kiddos home with Mark and ventured to Costco, which is very well organized and I felt very safe shopping in their store.  Today they had a lot of toilet paper.  I bought one more pack to share with anyone who might need some.  That will be the last pack I purchase for awhile.  I was able to get paper towels for my mom and Roger, and other needed grocery items.  They had sugar and flour and Matthew’s all important Top Ramen in “beef” flavor.  

I continue my struggles with anxiety.  Currently, anxiety thinks it is a close friend, and has taken up residence again in my life.  Sometimes anxiety is a distant friend, who only will come around occasionally.  I am fighting the beast.  But it is everywhere (social media, news, computer, community, even in my dreams).  I can’t escape.  I am practicing as much self care as possible, but my normally heavy workload is even heavier.  I feel myself trying to balance and shift the ever increasing weight.  Thoughts bombard me constantly.  This is an example of what is floating around in my brain these days, “did Bella do a math lesson today? Did Luke feed the rabbits?  Is Grace in her room?  The dishwasher needs unloading.  Where is Grace? How is Luke doing on his health class?  I should sit with him more.  Is he out of medication yet? Maybe I should refill his prescriptions now.  Where is Matthew?  Why won’t he potty train?  What am I doing wrong?  He isn’t eating enough variety of foods.  Maybe we should go back to feeding therapy.  Wait...nothing is open right now.  I wonder how Mark is.  Is he tired?  Is he feeling okay? Did he pack enough food for the trip? The restaurant isn’t open right now.  I hope he can get enough to eat.  I hope he has enough cleaning supplies for everything.  I should look for some more disinfectant wipes.  Wipes.  I should probably wipe the counter off again and Lysol the bathrooms.  I need to remind kids again NO shoes in the house. Did someone just cough?  Who coughed? How are they each feeling?  Have the kids been on screens too long? Will the weather hold out long enough for a walk? I need some time alone without someone yelling “moooommmmm.”  What am I going to do with three kids doing distance learning next week and they ALL need me?  I don’t know how any teacher thinks I am capable of helping my kids do all the work that have assigned.  It just isn’t possible.  I am only one person trying to keep my kids healthy and safe during this time.  Truth is I don’t even care about school work right now.  Oh gosh I am a horrible teacher.”  

Tomorrow I will have my first telehealth counseling session with my therapist.  I am going to lock myself in the my office for one hour tomorrow and unload the weight of the world to my amazing therapist, and I know she will offer some advice and encouragement like she always does.  Self-care.  So thankful I don’t have to give that up.  I also decided I am going to start watching my favorite show “Gilmore Girls” from the beginning.  It always brings me such joy.  I tried to sneak a walk in tonight, just me, since Mark was home.  But I had a gaggle of kids that were anxious to join me and I couldn’t refuse.  They needed out as much as I did.  So I listened to them chatter away, about dogs and trees and playing and BBQs and parties.  Such sweet conversations.  Keep adjusting my friends.  I am still adjusting.  Adjusting my routine, my life, my expectations.  And give yourself grace...so much grace.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 13

“Mommy I wet”.  That was my wake up call this morning from my 4 year old.  My mind didn’t forget we were living in a pandemic this morning.  I was up and out of bed.  We normally do bath-time in the evening, but with a whole lot of nothing on the agenda today, I ran him a bath and plopped him in.  He’s currently “swimming in mommy’s pool” as he calls it.  I’m nestled on the bathmat typing and responding to his comments about “Mommy I make small waves, is that a green choice?” Now he is softly talking to himself and his bath toys.  I could say that he is blissfully unaware of the world, however, on some level I know he is trying to adjust to our new normal.  I know he is aware of the shifting changes around him.

I’ve decided that today I am loading all the kids up in the van and taking a drive.  I am deeming it “essential.”  It is “essential” for this mama’s mental health to get out of the house today.  When Matthew was a newborn, I left the house almost everyday.  I had read an article that said to combat postpartum depression you should leave your home everyday (whether for a walk, a drive or an errand).  Because I had struggled with postpartum depression/anxiety with Bella, I took this news to heart and left the house each day with Matthew in tow.  This current quarantine is very challenging for me.  I like to be going and doing.  I still catch myself thinking, “oh the movie theater sounds like a good idea today,” or “a walk on the beach is just what my soul needs.”  Then I am thrusted back into our current reality.  Of course I can’t do any of that.  Everything is closed.  I understand, and agree with why we are doing this.  I want to save lives.  I want to keep my family safe.  I don’t want to catch the virus.  But I know I also have to have self care. I am having to be creative on how I can achieve self care during this quarantine. I parent four beautiful souls, and they can be a handful and challenging at times.  Mark is home about half of the time during a month.  So half the time it’s just me.  I’ve lost my support system in my mom, who was always available to help and give me a break if I was desperate.  I miss her right now.  A lot.  There is no running up and getting my nails done (which was part of my self care), or meeting a friend for lunch or coffee, or wandering the aisles at Target to just breathe for an hour or two.  I am dealing with the new reality, and feeling sad.  I know it’s okay to feel sad and that this too shall pass.  

So...today I am leaving the house.  We will drive to the PDX airport and see how many airplanes we can see (Matthew’s favorite).  We won’t park or anything, just drive through the departure and arrival concourse.  Maybe we will find our way back home, by driving by my childhood home and all the schools I attended.  I’ll play 90s music in the van (thank you Sirius XM), and maybe wave to Mom and Roger from the car.   We will see.  I just know...today...I have to see the outside world.  And that my friends...will bring me joy.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 10

The rules have become stricter in the last two days.  I feel we barely got through the birthdays by the skin of our teeth.  Luke, who celebrated his birthday on the 22nd of March, was able to take a fishing day with his dad.  Now, those places are closed down to fishing.  Where we were able to take a long walk in Ridgefield last week...that too is now closed.   Campgrounds and parks and the beaches all closed.  My heart is heavy...

Bella celebrated her 10th birthday yesterday.  It was definitely not the birthday I had planned for her.  Her and I had been planning her 10th birthday since January.  We had taken several trips to the craft stores and had pinned a 100+ pins on Pinterest.  She had a whole birthday planned with her little friends.  And then the Coronavirus, and social distancing and quarantine became words that we have all begun saying.  We both had a good cry last week, and I set out to make her day special.  I know I succeeded.  Bella helped me decorate and make her birthday cake/cupcakes.  We even made a special game that everyone in the family played (including dad).  It took me FOUR tries to find a restaurant that was open for us to get her a special birthday dinner to go.  She played all day with her new toys and didn’t cry at all.  She was happy and felt loved.  That is a win.

It is now the 25th of March.  Just 25 days ago, I was sitting in a pizzeria with my family, eating and talking and not even slightly considering that this would be our reality today.  I have yet to find a groove in this crazy new world of ours.  Truth...I am having a very difficult time sleeping.  The past three nights it has been after 1am before I have been able to fall asleep.  And I am not reading or watching the news.  I have began distancing myself from the news and social media more during the day and have stopped reading articles about everything Coronavirus related.  I thought that would help. But I just can’t relax, or turn my mind off, or stop wondering where Mark is at, or worrying about family and friends that have lost jobs.  I am sure it is a combination of all of it.  

There are a few moments... the moments between when you first wake up and fully are awake.  In those moments, I don’t remember that we are in a global pandemic.  Then it hits me all over again as I rub the tired out of my eyes... we are in a pandemic.  I can’t change it or control it, so...I roll out of bed to face another day with my crew at home in the comfort of our warm little house.  I am thankful for many things, even during this scary and unknown time.  I’ve been able to help a few people.  That really is my heart...to help people.  I was able to give a bottle of spray Lysol to someone in need of one, a DVD called Robots to a mama who needed it for her son, and now some paper towels to a wonderful friend of mine.  It is my way to help, to reach out, and feel like I can make a difference during a time that is uncertain.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 7

Two days before the quarantine began it snowed.  My kids had been waiting all winter for a good snow day.  However, it felt very weird and overshadowed by the announcement from the Washington State governor declaring that the schools would be closed for the next six weeks.  In some ways, the snow felt like it was mocking me. I recalled past snow storms and children homebound for nearly a week.  Now, there would six weeks or more of kids homebound.

I waited in a line longer than this at our local grocery store shortly after the governor announced that he was closing schools.  Me and everyone else apparently.  I have never in my life seen anything like this.  It is both parts terrifying and fascinating to watch.  

Our family is in the southern part of Washington State.  Washington has been one of the hardest hits states of the Coronavirus.  I have been challenged to keep up on everything while meeting the needs of my four children.  Many jumped into homeschooling this past week, I just couldn’t.  We are mostly set up online learning because of the hybrid school my kids attend. I have to admit I have felt somewhat ran over by a bus. Four kid in three different schools is tough.  Especially when you have three kiddos on IEPs. We did literally nothing this past week.  There were art projects, and coloring and play doh and paint.  But no formal education was done.  I focused most of my time helping my almost 10 year old process not having her birthday party on Saturday and why as she said “the world sucks right now.”

We have all taken to the new confinement in different ways.  Bella has been cleaning and organizing and rearranging furniture.  Bless.her.heart.  “Mom, can you help me move this dresser?”  Ummm....okay.  I walked into their room (she shares with her 4 year old brother) and she had rearranged his side of the room too.  

She has also been crafting her little heart out with anything that she can find.  I’m proud of her with all the anxiety she deals with that there has only been one break down this past week.

I’ve been cooking more...obviously.  I’ve been trying to make things better with some of their favorites.  I have been struggling so much with the thought of two of my kids having birthdays during the middle of this pandemic.  I want their days to be special.  Ugh...life is a lesson in flexibility.

Friends and family have reached out and sent some wonderful things to the kids to brighten their day.  As a mama, I appreciate this so much!  They were thrilled when these packages arrived.

I’ve been back at work online with VIPKID.  I was taking a break for a couple of months and had plans to return when the time changed back.  It just happened to coincide with the Coronavirus.  Not many classes booked for this next week, but I am okay with that.

 My kids favorite meme right now.  You know when Disney is closed there is a problem.

We’ve been filling our time enjoying the beautiful weather.  Badminton, chalk art and water tables all around.  Along with playing with the baby bunnies.

Trying out online classes...there was a bit of a technology learning curve for Grace at first.

 Brothers playing video games.

Did I mention...catching flies?  Oh yes she did!

We were able to take a long walk on Thursday out away from others.  “Social distancing...”. The new phrase.

Oh my husband...bless his heart and his comic relief to me right now.  I am the more anxious one, and well...he is what I like to refer to him as, “middle school Mark.”  Haha.  He is always close by with a hilarious meme, or crazy outfit to get me laughing.  I love this man.  He works so hard.  He is out there on trains right now making sure the freight gets through.  I try to not worry.  My worst fear is that somehow he gets stuck away from us in Pasco.  

We celebrated our first birthday in the pandemic.  Luke turned 17 today!  I spent a good week preparing for the fact that we may not be able to leave the house.  He was able to go fishing with his dad on Friday and he had a cake and presents and lots of love and phone calls.  Definitely a birthday he will always remember.  I have let him spend the majority of the day playing Fortnite.  Something I never do.  

“We don’t remember days...we remember moments.”

The First Week of March: Beginnings of Influenza

I know I am not alone in feeling disappointment this month.  Many have had to cancel travel plans, parties, weddings, and other celebrations because of the virus that is going through our world.  Our story begins on Saturday, February 29, 2020.  I was running errands to get ready for being out of town with Mark for a few days.  It was our annual couples trip.  We were headed to the beach.  What started as a sore throat and tickle in the back of my throat, turned into body aches the next day.  Regardless we were leaving on Monday.  I could rest at the beach house and just as easily be sick there than at home.  

By the time we made it to the beach I was hurting all over.  I could barely walk through the little store to get food for the beach house.  My body hurt, throat hurt and my cough was bothering me.  Still I was not admitting that I was really sick.  After a coughing fit in the middle of the night, I went upstairs to sleep in another room, as to not bother Mark.  Fantastic.  Our first night away in eight months, I was so sick I had to sleep in another room.  By noon the next day, I looked at Mark, who was coughing at this point, and asked him to take me home.  We stopped by urgent care on the way home and surprisingly both tested positive for Influenza A.  I got the extra bonus of a chest x-ray, which thankfully came back negative For pneumonia.  We headed home to my mom, who was watching the kids. When we arrived home, it was clear Matthew was also sick.  I was certain he had the flu too.  

The next day my throat hurt so badly I could barely swallow.  Luke was complaining of his throat hurting.  My throat had not hurt that bad since my tonsillectomy recovery of 2011.  So back to urgent care we went.  I have to say that I HATE and DESPISE the strep test.  I have an extremely sensitive gag reflex.  Somehow I made it through the strep test.  A few minutes later a head nurse comes in to tell me that they had ran my strep test twice and it came back “inconclusive”.  She delivered the good news that we were going to do the strep test again.  “NOOOOOO” was exactly what I said.  In the end we ended up testing negative for strep.  That was good news.  The bad news was that during the night Luke began running a high fever.

The next day, I took Luke, Grace and Matthew into the doctor to be tested for the flu.  Bella had showed NO symptom of the flu.  Matthew tested positive and Grace and Luke tested negative.  I was sure Luke had the flu.  I still treated him the same way, since treating the flu is just managing symptoms.  

I would end up going back to the doctor for the 4th time a week later and have another chest X-ray (negative for pneumonia) but was treated for bronchitis.  What a whirlwind of a week.  I was so very very sick.  

In the midst of the illness, I was really blessed to have friends bring over meals for our family.  It is so difficult to be so sick and still have to care for people in your family that are sick.  I have learned to always say “YES” when someone offers to bring you food.  So thank you my wonderful tribe of family and friends.  I appreciated it so much.

Our bunnies have been a fun distraction during the illness.  They are growing like weeds.  We have 13 babes in all.  They will all grow up to be meat rabbits.  But I can’t think about that right now.  LOL.

 None of us were tested for the new Coronavirus, even though I would have liked to know.  The testing just wasn’t available.  We are in some very weird and interesting times right now.  I’m trying to keep things calm, be available for my kids and support my railroader husband who has a big job to do right now.

Even in the midst of sickness I still voted.  I was proud of myself.

I ended the week with a pedicure/self-care.  I am so glad that I did because now my nail shop is closed until further notice.  Take care of yourselves my friends.  Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first so that you can put masks on others.