Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 13

“Mommy I wet”.  That was my wake up call this morning from my 4 year old.  My mind didn’t forget we were living in a pandemic this morning.  I was up and out of bed.  We normally do bath-time in the evening, but with a whole lot of nothing on the agenda today, I ran him a bath and plopped him in.  He’s currently “swimming in mommy’s pool” as he calls it.  I’m nestled on the bathmat typing and responding to his comments about “Mommy I make small waves, is that a green choice?” Now he is softly talking to himself and his bath toys.  I could say that he is blissfully unaware of the world, however, on some level I know he is trying to adjust to our new normal.  I know he is aware of the shifting changes around him.

I’ve decided that today I am loading all the kids up in the van and taking a drive.  I am deeming it “essential.”  It is “essential” for this mama’s mental health to get out of the house today.  When Matthew was a newborn, I left the house almost everyday.  I had read an article that said to combat postpartum depression you should leave your home everyday (whether for a walk, a drive or an errand).  Because I had struggled with postpartum depression/anxiety with Bella, I took this news to heart and left the house each day with Matthew in tow.  This current quarantine is very challenging for me.  I like to be going and doing.  I still catch myself thinking, “oh the movie theater sounds like a good idea today,” or “a walk on the beach is just what my soul needs.”  Then I am thrusted back into our current reality.  Of course I can’t do any of that.  Everything is closed.  I understand, and agree with why we are doing this.  I want to save lives.  I want to keep my family safe.  I don’t want to catch the virus.  But I know I also have to have self care. I am having to be creative on how I can achieve self care during this quarantine. I parent four beautiful souls, and they can be a handful and challenging at times.  Mark is home about half of the time during a month.  So half the time it’s just me.  I’ve lost my support system in my mom, who was always available to help and give me a break if I was desperate.  I miss her right now.  A lot.  There is no running up and getting my nails done (which was part of my self care), or meeting a friend for lunch or coffee, or wandering the aisles at Target to just breathe for an hour or two.  I am dealing with the new reality, and feeling sad.  I know it’s okay to feel sad and that this too shall pass.  

So...today I am leaving the house.  We will drive to the PDX airport and see how many airplanes we can see (Matthew’s favorite).  We won’t park or anything, just drive through the departure and arrival concourse.  Maybe we will find our way back home, by driving by my childhood home and all the schools I attended.  I’ll play 90s music in the van (thank you Sirius XM), and maybe wave to Mom and Roger from the car.   We will see.  I just know...today...I have to see the outside world.  And that my friends...will bring me joy.

Straight As, Field Trips & Valentine’s Nails: Week Five

Week five found us all busy as usual.  The girls helped me make some homemade play-doh. I forgot how easy and simple it is.  We ended up making several batches in various colors.  I continue to try and expose Matthew to various sensory experiences even though we are on a long break from therapy.

Valentine’s Day was right around the corner.  Bella is our resident artist and never passes up the opportunity to create.  She made this darling unicorn glitter bag to collect Valentine’s.  I showed my love for Valentine’s Day by getting pink nails and had a little heart painted on each ring finger.

I was extremely proud of Luke who ended up getting straight As this first semester of his Sophomore year.  He actually brought up his Chemistry grade from a B+ to A- all on his own by asking his teacher what he could do.  I am seeing such maturity and growth from him this year.

Bella had a field trip to plant trees with the City of Vancouver.  They were working to plant trees to help bring back the salmons natural habitat to this small stream.  Matthew tagged along and they both got to ride in the BIG bus.

In case you were wondering, Barbie is still living her best life over here.  The girls found out that Grace’s iPhone works in the holder that is meant for Barbie’s TV in Bella’s Dream House.  We all got the biggest laughs that Barbie was watching Life in the Dream House, while in her own Dream House.  Toys these days are so crazy in what they can accomplish.

Matthew’s picture was chosen as the cover photo for the Special Needs Parents Group that I am apart of.  I was really excited to see that.

I finished the day subbing a half time job at Matthew’s school (not in his class).  I enjoyed my time in first grade.  I remember why I love the littles!

Life @ The Dahlhouse: Week 2

Not surprising, I already find myself very behind on weekly updates!  This was a goal I had this year... to consistently update my blog so that I have record of the events.  Are you like me, already struggling with your new year's goals?  The struggle is real!  

Week 2 was CRAZY friends!  Monday came and BAM, 4 appointments that day.  Who does that?  I never plan on that happening, but sometimes, once in awhile, all the stars align.  LOL.  That Monday we had an orthodontist appointment, two doctors appointments in a row and a tutoring appointment.  I was wiped out.  And that little cherub spent a lot of time in waiting rooms that day.

Do you ever go through a season of life and you feel like it is a difficult one?  I am right there with you!  I told Mark the other day that we are in a tough season.  There is something BIG going on with everyone of my kiddos, and I am left feeling like I am just not ENOUGH most days.  How do you spread yourself out?  How do you make sure each one has there needs met?  Regardless, I get myself out of bed each morning and try again.

 #truth

Miss B has been REALLY struggling.  Anxiety has set up shop in her little mind.  I'm telling you, it is like looking at a childhood version of myself.  So many of her struggles I relate to so much!  Separating from me leaves her almost panicky.  I leave her in the classroom each day, and walk home in tears myself.  I never let her see me cry, but I fight everything to not scoop her up and take her home with me.  Does anyone have any suggestions that help kiddos with anxiety?  I am all ears!

 Some days are the perfect storm of organic applesauce and fast food chicken nuggets, while we sit in high school algebra class with the oldest.  I am not great at math.  I don't know much algebra.  But me showing up for him, that is the most important thing.  Even with a toddler in tow, who poops in the middle of class, we want Luke to know we are there for him.

*Luke goes to an AMAZING alternative learning school called River Homelink.  He attends class two full days a week and does classwork at home three days a week.  They are very parent welcoming and encourage parents to participate and even bring our pooping toddlers with us.  Haha!

Do you ever bribe your kiddos? If you do, you are MY people!! Confession, I bribe my kids!  To help Miss B get through the day, I promised her we would make cake pops.  So Friday night we made cake pops.  They are surprisingly easy to make.  They just take time, and make a slightly big mess, but WORTH it!

I ended the week at a VIPKID local meet up.  VIPKID is the online teaching company that I work for. It allows me to make extra income working around my schedule.  And as we know, I need a flexible work schedule (four appointments in one day). I teach English to Chinese students in a 1:1 environment.  I share more about my experience on the VIPKID page tab.

If you have ever wanted to teach online, ESL or work with VIPKID I would love to help you through the interview and hiring process.  Simply click this link VIPKID APPLY  .  Then send me an email misscarissa@hotmail.com, and let me know you applied and I will be in contact with you within 24 hours.

"Life is tough darling, but so are you."  ~Stephanie Bennett Henry~

Life @ The Dahlhouse: Disappointment

*After working on this post for several weeks (reading and re-reading) this is my best account of the last three months.  

I'm not sure if there is anyone out there still reading my little blog.  It has been a good three months since I have written ANYTHING. I am anything but consistent. There has been so much happening in life, however, it has been difficult for me to write anything.  So instead of working through it by writing, I have shoved it down deep inside and have been unable to come to this place.  But now, I am making an effort to work through it, and to move forward from where I have been stuck for awhile.

So here it goes...In August, I started a brand new job.  A brand new adventure, a new chapter in life, and I was so, so excited.  Shortly after my hysterectomy, I applied for and interviewed for a kindergarten teaching position at a private school.  I was ecstatic to learn that I got the job!  I spent most of my recovery planning, pinning and ordering things for my new classroom.  I envisioned the classroom theme (rainbows), table groups (Brown Bear Brown Bear themed animals), colors, activities, circle time.  I LOVE kindergarten.  I had such a wonderful experience with my mentor teacher back in 2002 in kindergarten.  I knew the start of the school year would be crazy, due to the school campus moving locations, and I had prepared in my mind to be flexible.  What I failed to prepare myself for was all the unknowns.  The things that happened that I had no control over.  I had no idea the administration of the school was going to ask the teaching staff to move the ENTIRE school on their own.  They decided to not hire movers.  It wasn't in the budget.  For over a week, the teaching staff exhausted killed themselves moving tables, chairs, filing cabinets, desks, white boards, totes of curriculum and everything else you can think of that a school needs.  This also included the teaching staff to move the entire early childhood education center as well.  The teachers had exactly 1 day to put together and decorate our classrooms to be ready to greet our students and their families on back to school night.  I worked from 8am to 11pm putting my classroom together and it was no where near ready.  When it was finally time to meet the students, I was exhausted and run down.  My heart was racing a lot of the time from the stress I was under.  This was a scary feeling for me, and only increased my anxiety.

I started the school year with no training on curriculum (I hadn't even looked at it), a half finished classroom, and no information about my students (other than their names).  I didn't even know how to log onto the computer and take attendance...mainly because I didn't have one (a computer) in the classroom.  There was no playground for the students (although there was a big pile of dirt).  The solution was for the kids to play in the road (they blocked it off with cones and supervision).  It was utter chaos.  Right before school began, I found out my students would be eating lunch in the classroom because they were one portable short for kinder to be able to come to the cafeteria to eat.  Great.  In the next breath, I was told that I would be supervising my last recess.  Oh, and all of the specials (music, art, and technology) would be happening in the classroom.  PE would be taking place in a parking lot, except on the days it rained...those classes would be held in the classroom.  My portable classroom wasn't very big.  It barely fit all the students tables, a circle area and some room in the back for small classroom library.

I tried to make the best of it.  The students were a VERY busy, very chatty bunch of kids.  They needed room to move and play.  They had a difficult time listening.  I had 5 students that I had to make sure I had a line of sight on at all times.  I began taking data on several students and approached the administration about help.  I took data for weeks.  Help never came.

Part of my salary package was for Matthew to be able to attend the daycare on site at the same school.  I thought this was just the best idea.  I paid my registration fee and signed him up after I was hired.  School began in September, except Matthew didn't begin daycare, because the ECE hadn't received their state license yet.  They had no idea when this would happen.  Weeks went by and no license.  I understand this wasn't there fault. However, I was often put in a very difficult position trying to find someone to watch  him at the last minute and then paying out of pocket for last minute care.  Sometimes we were put in a position where we had to leave Matthew with Luke for an hour or so...this wasn't a great idea either and caused me to worry...a lot.  This wasn't the arrangement that I agreed to.  I was beyond stressed, exhausted and emotional.  I cried.all.the.time.

I think the moment I knew...that this wasn't going to work was at the curriculum night at school.  I had a father of one of my students approach me and ask about security at the new campus.  I directed him to talk to the principal or superintendent.  He then proceeded to ask me if I had a concealed carry permit.  His wife looked the other way.  I remember laughing a little thinking he was joking.  He said, "No, I am serious.  Do you have concealed carry permit to protect our child at school?"  I refused to answer that question and again directed the questions back to the principal.  I was flustered by this exchange.  Then, I had another father, who had taught in the public schools for 13 years, scowl at me during the entire curriculum presentation.  I overheard him tell his wife that he absolutely would never do things the way I was going to do them.  I went home that night and was done.  I couldn't get help from the administration, I wasn't supported, the students were out of control, and the parents weren't thrilled with me, I had no daycare for Matthew, and was taking anti-anxiety meds to make it through the day. The after school meetings were almost daily.  I felt I had been set up for failure.  I gave my resignation the next week.        

I worked for two more weeks and said good-bye to my teaching partners.

I have been processing things for the last couple of months.  I've wondered what the purpose was behind all of these weird events.  I have felt sad, and in some ways have grieved over this loss of dream.  When I found out they were building a school by our house, I was thrilled and began dreaming of teaching at the school my kids attend someday.  8 days after my hysterectomy I went for an interview.  I even had to have Mark drive me because I was restricted at that point.  I was determined to do my best.  Ultimately in the end, it did not work out.

To be honest, I have struggled with this feeling failure.  Why have I never been able to find the right fit for me as a teacher?  I have even questioned if I had missed my calling.  Did I make a mistake becoming a teacher? Should I ever teach again?  I feel let down and disappointed.  And I know that it is life, but I really wanted it to work out.  It seemed so perfect.  Perhaps too perfect.

I got extremely sick one week after I quit my job.  So sick.  I coughed and coughed and ran a fever.  In the end the doctor said it was just a virus.  I was sick for about a month.  I think my immune system was so run down from the stress of surgery and then the stress of the job.

Life has continued as life does.  I have picked myself up and have continued onward.  Honestly, I have struggled a lot with the events of the last six months.  Mark went back to work the road (traveling to Pasco and back) with BNSF, and I went back to VIPKID working early early in the mornings to pay for the girls school.  It's tough, but it is the only thing I can do with Mark's insane work schedule.  It has been difficult for me to not feel guilty about Mark working the road and all the crazy hours.  I keep thinking, "If I hadn't quit, if I had worked harder, if I had made it work, then he wouldn't have to work crazy hours." Its an ongoing internal battle that I face each day.

Mark and I had the chance to get away for two days late October.  Despite me having little voice, and coughing we had a great time.  

I've had some fun selling some earrings, and just recently launched my own website!  Dahlhouse Design.   Click the link to check it out.  Some fun accessories.  Definitely a work in progress.  But proud I am doing it.  

All in all I am happy to be home with my little people; even though I have been struggling with my skeletons that are in my closet.  I am working on making time for me, which can be really difficult amongst littles that need me.  But self care is so so important.  So here I am working through the messy difficult parts of life.  Navigating mommy hood without a manual or guide.  

Below are a few more photos of the last three months.  Life continues on and so must we.