Coronavirus: Day 155

It's been awhile my sweet friends, but I am here.  I can hardly believe this is the 155th day of the coronavirus having an impact on our daily lives. I never would have thought or believed that when the quarantine began 155 days ago, that we would still be dealing with the virus.  Our daily lives have changed dramatically.  Our world looks different.  My children were supposed to return to the classroom this fall...but distance based learning will continue.  Last March, I would never have predicted we would continue online learning at the beginning of the new school year.  But here we are.  Here we all are.  

There isn't one person that hasn't been affected by this virus.  That thought is both comforting and unbelievable.  Never in my lifetime did this possibility ever enter my mind.  Despite the changes, and masks, and social distancing, and mandates and new rules...life continues on.  My dear readers...since life goes on even during the craziest of times, this is my attempt to catch you up on the goings on of life in our Dahlhouse.  Enjoy.

Let's start with the littlest Dahl.  Matthew is nearly 4.5 years old.  Wait...he is 4.5 years old today!  Crazy.  He is my little ray of sunshine, my sweet buddy and shadow...that is unless dad is around.  Then, I don't exist.  He has finally fully potty trained, even at night.  Bless! He continues to be obsessed with trains and vehicles.  Our house is one big area for building railroad tracks...upstairs, downstairs, tables, couches, under furniture, down the stairs...doesn't matter.  If there is open space, Matthew sees an opportunity to conduct his little trains all around the tracks.  He is at the age where he is looking for validation and feedback from adults.  So it seems every two seconds, "Hey mom, look at __________."  I respond to him and then the next five seconds, "Mom look at this cool railroad track," or "Mom are you proud of me?"  He has really began verbalizing and expressing himself where anyone can understand now.  In early September we have an appointment for another evaluation for feeding therapy at a new clinic.  I still feel there is work to be done in this area.  I have promised myself that I wasn't going to worry or "borrow trouble" over the lack of variety in his food choices during the coronavirus.  But, I would be lying if I didn't mention that those thoughts exist in the back of my mind. 

The littlest Dahl lady is our regular comic relief.  I continue to write down all the amazingly humorous comebacks she has.  Bella enjoys helping me around the kitchen, jumping on the trampoline and playing with her best friend on our street.  I am so thankful that she has a sweet friend to play with.  I often find them creating elaborate stories and worlds for their dolls.  It makes me smile as I eavesdrop on their conversations.  I am so glad they just get to be kids right now, even in the midst of a pandemic.  Bella has been very artistic and dabbling in just about every form of art medium there is.  She has also taken to rearranging her room four to five times since March (just like her mama).  

Grace is our in house baker and has been making the most delicious baked goods.  Snickerdoodles, brownies, banana bread, cowboy cookies, no bake cookies, rice crispy treats.  She is amazing.  Grace is very into Kpop these days (Korean pop music) like most of her friends.  She enjoys her group of girl friends and I am so thankful that they have been able to get together more and hangout.

Luke has spent a lot of time learning the ways of Minecraft.  I enjoy hearing his conversations from downstairs while he is playing with his friend.  Well...mostly.  My boy can be LOUD!  Every so often from the family room I hear Luke upstairs yell, "Yaaaaaa.....let's GOOOOOO!"  or "I need help, I need help, I need help."  It makes me smile.  Luke and I have played a lot of board games.  Currently, Sequence is our fav.  I think I am on a winning streak right now.  I do not go easy on my kids when it comes to games.  Lol.  We've also dabbled in a bit of Monopoly too.  

Mark has been working tirelessly for BNSF.  He will celebrate his 16th year with his company in October.  After nearly two years working the road and traveling with the trains, he is coming back to the yard to work a predictable schedule and have set days off.  It is time.  We all miss him terribly and the weird, unpredictable hours have been more difficult for him.  Also, with this year going to be distance learning for awhile with four kids, Mark's help will be extremely valuable.  He looks forward to doing projects, hunting and fishing and finally being able to ride his motorbike.  I am so, so grateful for his hard work for our family.

I have been keeping things together here at the Dahlhouse, or at least attempting to.  I started a new independent contractor position with a company called Outschool.  It's been amazing so far.  I am writing and creating classes and teaching them via Zoom.  It has been awesome to not have to get up at 4:00am and also get to tap into my creative side.  I'll be scaling back some of my classes this fall because I have to make certain that I am fully available for my kids and their distance learning schedules.  I continue to go to my weekly therapy sessions with my counselor.  I am so thankful to have someone to help with my mental health during this time of the Coronavirus.  I am certainly not ashamed to say hey, "I need help."  It makes me a better mom, a better wife, a better friend and a better version of myself.  

As we begin gearing up for fall, I am reminded that this season of pandemic will end.  It will not be forever.  I am holding onto that thought, and believing for brighter days ahead.

Coronavirus: Railroad Wife Edition (Day 66)

Someone asked me the other day, “when is Mark going to be on a “normal” Work schedule again?”  Oh if I had a dollar for every time I have been asked that in the last 18 months!  LOL.  I wish I had answer and knew.  Believe me...there is no one who wants that more than this girl right here.  I think the best answer I can give to that question is when I decide to go back to work as a teacher.  Even part time teaching would be enough money for Mark to work in the train yard instead of traveling on the trains.  The train yard equals a set schedule with set days off.  You see...I had this plan...we had this plan.  I have worked all school year on taking the necessary requirements to renew my teaching license.  I finally finished this past month and submitted all the necessary documentation to the state. But as we all know...the coronavirus is here and has disrupted all our lives.  They really aren’t hiring any teachers right now. Ive applied for a few jobs, but have heard nothing.  VIPKid has decided to cut teacher pay across the board starting August 1. Finally, I had enough bad news and called my mom yesterday and just let it all out (vented, cried, laughed...all the emotions).  Now...we just wait.  

What is it like to live an “on call” schedule with a family?  Mark works for the BNSF Railway as a train conductor.  He has been doing various positions within the company for the past almost 16 years.  My favorite position was when he mentored in Kalama, WA, and my least is him working the “road” or traveling with the train to Pasco and back.  

We have learned to exist in this place where we literally cannot plan anything ahead of time.  Everything, except for his vacation weeks, is done last minute.  Birthday parties, dates, meeting with friends, making appointments, holidays, school events, etc. is all decided last minute.  For example, last week was my birthday and mom is wanted to plan a BBQ.  Mark decided to take some personal leave days last week so we could make plans to celebrate my birthday, otherwise it would have been up to the railroad gods what would have happened.  Mom is great about being flexible and making things work too.  

Sometimes I am relaxed and go-with-the-flow and sometimes I HATE it so much.  It is difficult to not be able to plan, And it is also difficult to know exactly how long he has off between trips.  Mark gets a specific amount of “rest time” before they can call him again.  Sometimes Mark can predict when he will get his call for work, and sometimes he is way wrong.  The phone can ring at anytime day or night.  Many nights he kisses me goodbye at 2am, 4am etc.  We just never know.  

Mark and I are planners.  We want to plan.  We want to go out with friends.  But sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  Ive learned to be okay with it mostly, although some days it gets to me (like everyone else).  Ive learned to live in the space of the unknown and needing to be flexible.  When Mark leaves for a trip to Pasco he is usually gone 36 to 48 hours (occasionally sometimes more).  I am on my own.  I have learned to be more self-reliant.  I have fixed vacuums, rescued toddlers from locking themselves in bedrooms, repaired broken trains, fixed TVs, navigated tire rotation, emergency trips to the ER, and I am sure a zillion other little things.  I manage the house, the kids, the bills, the appointments and everything else. 

In the beginning of our marriage Mark worked for a high voltage electrical testing and maintenance company.  I would often spend days and weeks on my own as the company traveled to different work sites.  I think the longest trip apart we had was a little over one month.  He traveled to Texas and then Ohio.  I learned to be independent and self reliant.  It is more different now with kids.  I navigate the physical, emotional and now educational needs of these fabulous four kiddos.  Most days go by in a blur.  Me moving from one task to the next in a kind of choreographed dance.  From dressing, cooking, potty training, and Zoom meetings...to wiping floors, tables and sticky hands...to managing medicine, appointments and behavior...to cleaning toddlers and toilets, clothes and floors.  And before I know it finally to drop into bed at night only to rise in the morning and do it all over again.  

I am not really sure where I am going with this post only to say parenting is hard.  Whether single parenting or both partners together, foster parenting, grandparents raising kiddos...caretaking is hard work.  We all face our challenges, especially in this time of pandemic.  Carry on my fierce friends...we got this!

Life @ The Dahlhouse: Disappointment

*After working on this post for several weeks (reading and re-reading) this is my best account of the last three months.  

I'm not sure if there is anyone out there still reading my little blog.  It has been a good three months since I have written ANYTHING. I am anything but consistent. There has been so much happening in life, however, it has been difficult for me to write anything.  So instead of working through it by writing, I have shoved it down deep inside and have been unable to come to this place.  But now, I am making an effort to work through it, and to move forward from where I have been stuck for awhile.

So here it goes...In August, I started a brand new job.  A brand new adventure, a new chapter in life, and I was so, so excited.  Shortly after my hysterectomy, I applied for and interviewed for a kindergarten teaching position at a private school.  I was ecstatic to learn that I got the job!  I spent most of my recovery planning, pinning and ordering things for my new classroom.  I envisioned the classroom theme (rainbows), table groups (Brown Bear Brown Bear themed animals), colors, activities, circle time.  I LOVE kindergarten.  I had such a wonderful experience with my mentor teacher back in 2002 in kindergarten.  I knew the start of the school year would be crazy, due to the school campus moving locations, and I had prepared in my mind to be flexible.  What I failed to prepare myself for was all the unknowns.  The things that happened that I had no control over.  I had no idea the administration of the school was going to ask the teaching staff to move the ENTIRE school on their own.  They decided to not hire movers.  It wasn't in the budget.  For over a week, the teaching staff exhausted killed themselves moving tables, chairs, filing cabinets, desks, white boards, totes of curriculum and everything else you can think of that a school needs.  This also included the teaching staff to move the entire early childhood education center as well.  The teachers had exactly 1 day to put together and decorate our classrooms to be ready to greet our students and their families on back to school night.  I worked from 8am to 11pm putting my classroom together and it was no where near ready.  When it was finally time to meet the students, I was exhausted and run down.  My heart was racing a lot of the time from the stress I was under.  This was a scary feeling for me, and only increased my anxiety.

I started the school year with no training on curriculum (I hadn't even looked at it), a half finished classroom, and no information about my students (other than their names).  I didn't even know how to log onto the computer and take attendance...mainly because I didn't have one (a computer) in the classroom.  There was no playground for the students (although there was a big pile of dirt).  The solution was for the kids to play in the road (they blocked it off with cones and supervision).  It was utter chaos.  Right before school began, I found out my students would be eating lunch in the classroom because they were one portable short for kinder to be able to come to the cafeteria to eat.  Great.  In the next breath, I was told that I would be supervising my last recess.  Oh, and all of the specials (music, art, and technology) would be happening in the classroom.  PE would be taking place in a parking lot, except on the days it rained...those classes would be held in the classroom.  My portable classroom wasn't very big.  It barely fit all the students tables, a circle area and some room in the back for small classroom library.

I tried to make the best of it.  The students were a VERY busy, very chatty bunch of kids.  They needed room to move and play.  They had a difficult time listening.  I had 5 students that I had to make sure I had a line of sight on at all times.  I began taking data on several students and approached the administration about help.  I took data for weeks.  Help never came.

Part of my salary package was for Matthew to be able to attend the daycare on site at the same school.  I thought this was just the best idea.  I paid my registration fee and signed him up after I was hired.  School began in September, except Matthew didn't begin daycare, because the ECE hadn't received their state license yet.  They had no idea when this would happen.  Weeks went by and no license.  I understand this wasn't there fault. However, I was often put in a very difficult position trying to find someone to watch  him at the last minute and then paying out of pocket for last minute care.  Sometimes we were put in a position where we had to leave Matthew with Luke for an hour or so...this wasn't a great idea either and caused me to worry...a lot.  This wasn't the arrangement that I agreed to.  I was beyond stressed, exhausted and emotional.  I cried.all.the.time.

I think the moment I knew...that this wasn't going to work was at the curriculum night at school.  I had a father of one of my students approach me and ask about security at the new campus.  I directed him to talk to the principal or superintendent.  He then proceeded to ask me if I had a concealed carry permit.  His wife looked the other way.  I remember laughing a little thinking he was joking.  He said, "No, I am serious.  Do you have concealed carry permit to protect our child at school?"  I refused to answer that question and again directed the questions back to the principal.  I was flustered by this exchange.  Then, I had another father, who had taught in the public schools for 13 years, scowl at me during the entire curriculum presentation.  I overheard him tell his wife that he absolutely would never do things the way I was going to do them.  I went home that night and was done.  I couldn't get help from the administration, I wasn't supported, the students were out of control, and the parents weren't thrilled with me, I had no daycare for Matthew, and was taking anti-anxiety meds to make it through the day. The after school meetings were almost daily.  I felt I had been set up for failure.  I gave my resignation the next week.        

I worked for two more weeks and said good-bye to my teaching partners.

I have been processing things for the last couple of months.  I've wondered what the purpose was behind all of these weird events.  I have felt sad, and in some ways have grieved over this loss of dream.  When I found out they were building a school by our house, I was thrilled and began dreaming of teaching at the school my kids attend someday.  8 days after my hysterectomy I went for an interview.  I even had to have Mark drive me because I was restricted at that point.  I was determined to do my best.  Ultimately in the end, it did not work out.

To be honest, I have struggled with this feeling failure.  Why have I never been able to find the right fit for me as a teacher?  I have even questioned if I had missed my calling.  Did I make a mistake becoming a teacher? Should I ever teach again?  I feel let down and disappointed.  And I know that it is life, but I really wanted it to work out.  It seemed so perfect.  Perhaps too perfect.

I got extremely sick one week after I quit my job.  So sick.  I coughed and coughed and ran a fever.  In the end the doctor said it was just a virus.  I was sick for about a month.  I think my immune system was so run down from the stress of surgery and then the stress of the job.

Life has continued as life does.  I have picked myself up and have continued onward.  Honestly, I have struggled a lot with the events of the last six months.  Mark went back to work the road (traveling to Pasco and back) with BNSF, and I went back to VIPKID working early early in the mornings to pay for the girls school.  It's tough, but it is the only thing I can do with Mark's insane work schedule.  It has been difficult for me to not feel guilty about Mark working the road and all the crazy hours.  I keep thinking, "If I hadn't quit, if I had worked harder, if I had made it work, then he wouldn't have to work crazy hours." Its an ongoing internal battle that I face each day.

Mark and I had the chance to get away for two days late October.  Despite me having little voice, and coughing we had a great time.  

I've had some fun selling some earrings, and just recently launched my own website!  Dahlhouse Design.   Click the link to check it out.  Some fun accessories.  Definitely a work in progress.  But proud I am doing it.  

All in all I am happy to be home with my little people; even though I have been struggling with my skeletons that are in my closet.  I am working on making time for me, which can be really difficult amongst littles that need me.  But self care is so so important.  So here I am working through the messy difficult parts of life.  Navigating mommy hood without a manual or guide.  

Below are a few more photos of the last three months.  Life continues on and so must we.

Life @ The Dahlhouse: Recovery from a Hysterectomy

I made it to the other side of the surgery.  It is a good feeling.  A relief.  Finally, after six months of waiting the surgery has taken place, and I am on the path to recovery.  It will be a long, slow recovery.  Six weeks to be exact.  I want nothing more than to take the time, be slow, don't rush things, and let my body heal the way it needs too.  I have given myself permission to do nothing (which if you know me is uncharacteristic).  I have given myself permission to say no, nap and watch a ton of TV.  I am listening to my body...knowing what I am ready for and what I am not ready for.  I am taking care of me.

The surgery was a success.  Tuesday, June 26 started very early. In many ways the time and hospital reminded me of when I had my C-sections, however, there was enough difference to not make me think too much of that fact.  We checked in at short stay surgery and waited to be called back.  Once back in my pre-op room (221), I got to change into a hospital gown, socks and take a pregnancy test.  I chuckled to myself when the nurse announced it was "negative".  Oh good I thought.  Haha.

Because I was having robotic surgery, and they weren't certain which side they would be doing the procedure on, I was lucky enough to get two IVs.  One on each hand.  The nurse actually did a really good job and was successful the first time on each side.  I was asked a bazillion questions.  I met with two different anesthesiologists.  Dr. Jang and Dr. Lail.  They work in teams, however, Dr. Lail was the main anesthesiologist.  He was very funny and made me feel comfortable.  He answered questions and promised to keep me asleep and comfortable the entire time.  Due to my anxiety, he offered a medication to make me feel very relaxed on the way to the OR, and I gladly accepted.  Dr. Saner came and said hello and asked me if I had any last questions.  After that, things moved quickly.  The OR nurse came, Dr. Lail was there, and the moment he inserted the meds into the IV, I was very relaxed.  I told Mark good bye and they wheeled me down the hall.  I remember entering the OR, seeing Dr. Saner, and moving over to the operating table.  They put a mask over my nose and mouth and that was it.  I then woke up hours later in the recovery room.

My surgery ended up taking longer than anticipated.  It took awhile to get the robot set up and ready and then there were a few unexpected findings during the surgery.  One was that my bladder was adhered to my uterus with scar tissue from my previous csections.  Dr. Saner needed to remove the adhesions.  Then my uterus gave them trouble with them actually removing it.  I have a very small pelvis and that presented an issue.  They were finally able to remove it but it took extra time.  My surgery began at 7:30am and I remember seeing the clock in the recovery room and it said 11:30am.  Everything went well though, and I woke up fine.  I was very groggy the rest of the day, but no nausea (which I was very thankful for).

I was wheeled up to the fifth floor and stayed in room 509.  I don't really remember how I got there...haha.  Mark was waiting, as was the nurse.  All of the nurses I had were very kind, nice and helpful.  They really cared about helping me, how I felt, and making sure I was comfortable.  I was up and walking around by 5pm.  I had to leave the catheter in over night due to the messing with my bladder due to the adhesions.  But it really didn't bother me too much.  Dr. Saner came in an sat down to talk to me about 6:15pm.  She told me all about the surgery and answered some more questions.  She said she would be back tomorrow morning to discharge me.  A wonderful friend who works at Legacy came to visit me in the evening.  I was so happy so see her.  Around 10:30 I settled in for the night. Mark went home to be with the kids around 5pm.  It was very quiet.  I was going to ask for a sleeping pill; however, I fell asleep and slept till 5am.  The nurses left me alone, which was nice (or if they came in, I didn't know...LOL).  Mark arrived with Bella around 10:30 am and we left the hospital around 1pm.  I was very happy to have very normal blood pressures while I was in the hospital.  That was a win for me.

My mom watched the kiddos during the surgery day and for the next two days after I was home.   I was very appreciative.  The kids had a great time with her.  Meals have been arriving from family and friends and boy I am I grateful to not have to think about what to cook.  I am so, so thankful.

So now...it is a day by day process.  I feel a little better each day.  I have 5 incisions from the robot.  They are very small.  I have some internal stitches and my bladder still feels a little off, but each day it is better.  We are taking things very slow over here at the Dahlhouse and it's ok.  In a life that rushes by and moves at a fast pace, it is a good contrast to just be.