Coronavirus: Railroad Wife Edition (Day 66)

Someone asked me the other day, “when is Mark going to be on a “normal” Work schedule again?”  Oh if I had a dollar for every time I have been asked that in the last 18 months!  LOL.  I wish I had answer and knew.  Believe me...there is no one who wants that more than this girl right here.  I think the best answer I can give to that question is when I decide to go back to work as a teacher.  Even part time teaching would be enough money for Mark to work in the train yard instead of traveling on the trains.  The train yard equals a set schedule with set days off.  You see...I had this plan...we had this plan.  I have worked all school year on taking the necessary requirements to renew my teaching license.  I finally finished this past month and submitted all the necessary documentation to the state. But as we all know...the coronavirus is here and has disrupted all our lives.  They really aren’t hiring any teachers right now. Ive applied for a few jobs, but have heard nothing.  VIPKid has decided to cut teacher pay across the board starting August 1. Finally, I had enough bad news and called my mom yesterday and just let it all out (vented, cried, laughed...all the emotions).  Now...we just wait.  

What is it like to live an “on call” schedule with a family?  Mark works for the BNSF Railway as a train conductor.  He has been doing various positions within the company for the past almost 16 years.  My favorite position was when he mentored in Kalama, WA, and my least is him working the “road” or traveling with the train to Pasco and back.  

We have learned to exist in this place where we literally cannot plan anything ahead of time.  Everything, except for his vacation weeks, is done last minute.  Birthday parties, dates, meeting with friends, making appointments, holidays, school events, etc. is all decided last minute.  For example, last week was my birthday and mom is wanted to plan a BBQ.  Mark decided to take some personal leave days last week so we could make plans to celebrate my birthday, otherwise it would have been up to the railroad gods what would have happened.  Mom is great about being flexible and making things work too.  

Sometimes I am relaxed and go-with-the-flow and sometimes I HATE it so much.  It is difficult to not be able to plan, And it is also difficult to know exactly how long he has off between trips.  Mark gets a specific amount of “rest time” before they can call him again.  Sometimes Mark can predict when he will get his call for work, and sometimes he is way wrong.  The phone can ring at anytime day or night.  Many nights he kisses me goodbye at 2am, 4am etc.  We just never know.  

Mark and I are planners.  We want to plan.  We want to go out with friends.  But sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  Ive learned to be okay with it mostly, although some days it gets to me (like everyone else).  Ive learned to live in the space of the unknown and needing to be flexible.  When Mark leaves for a trip to Pasco he is usually gone 36 to 48 hours (occasionally sometimes more).  I am on my own.  I have learned to be more self-reliant.  I have fixed vacuums, rescued toddlers from locking themselves in bedrooms, repaired broken trains, fixed TVs, navigated tire rotation, emergency trips to the ER, and I am sure a zillion other little things.  I manage the house, the kids, the bills, the appointments and everything else. 

In the beginning of our marriage Mark worked for a high voltage electrical testing and maintenance company.  I would often spend days and weeks on my own as the company traveled to different work sites.  I think the longest trip apart we had was a little over one month.  He traveled to Texas and then Ohio.  I learned to be independent and self reliant.  It is more different now with kids.  I navigate the physical, emotional and now educational needs of these fabulous four kiddos.  Most days go by in a blur.  Me moving from one task to the next in a kind of choreographed dance.  From dressing, cooking, potty training, and Zoom meetings...to wiping floors, tables and sticky hands...to managing medicine, appointments and behavior...to cleaning toddlers and toilets, clothes and floors.  And before I know it finally to drop into bed at night only to rise in the morning and do it all over again.  

I am not really sure where I am going with this post only to say parenting is hard.  Whether single parenting or both partners together, foster parenting, grandparents raising kiddos...caretaking is hard work.  We all face our challenges, especially in this time of pandemic.  Carry on my fierce friends...we got this!

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 29

I've done 43 loads of laundry since the quarantine started.  I really have no idea why I am keeping track of that, other than it is something interesting.  One load in the washer...one tally mark.  The cycle will continue...wash cycle, dry cycle, fold cycle, repeat...over and over and over again.

I've read 4 books since we've been home, and played many rounds of Yahtzee. I am currently being tutored by Luke on how to play Sequence.  I have yet to do any puzzles even though I enjoy them.  I have a couple of them waiting to be put together.  I can't do a puzzle without thinking of my Grandy.  She and I used to do puzzles together when I would stay the night with them at their house as a child. Such good memories.

The weather has been very nice this past week.  It was above 70 degrees a few days this last week, which means only one thing to my littles "swimming".  We have one tiny, and I mean TINY, blue swimming pool.  Miss B got it all set up.  She had chairs, and towels and toys for her and Man Cub.  They were sitting "poolside" with their feet in the water.  Oh. my. gosh.  I just love them so much.

This past week felt more "normal" than any of the others since we've been quarantined.  The majority of time is spent doing school with the kids, checking Google Classroom, responding to emails, and setting kids up in Zoom meetings.  Wow...even as a teacher, it is an undertaking.  I keep reminding myself that I don't have to be perfect.  My goal is focusing on what I feel are the basic subjects/skills: Reading, Writing and Math.  Luke still has World History and Chemistry and Health, but with the girls we are just scaling back and focusing on those things.  I try and be finished by 1pm so the kids can have the afternoon to relax, chat with friends, play video games and outside play.  I enjoy reading and I need time to get other things done too (laundry, bills, cleaning, planning, cooking).

Matthew has finally decided that going potty isn't as scary as he once thought.  So, in the midst of schooling all the kids, I am running him to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so (which is so fun, let me tell you).He is really doing well, but still behind other kids his age in this skill.  He has had some great success, and those Thomas the Train underwear really are the cutest on him.  My favorite is when he goes into the bathroom, he looks at me and says, “I’m doing really great mom!”  Yes buddy, yes you are.

This past week, I was able to sew some masks for our family and for some friends. I realized I had all the supplies on hand because I make hair scrunchies.  It took me a few patterns before I found the one that worked for me. Making masks made me feel happy and productive.  It was a way I could give back to others during this time.

And in other news...Mark and I finished watching "Tiger King." Although, Mark could never say the title of the show correctly, which was hilarious!  He would say to me, "Babe you want to watch "Tiger Shark?"  Or, "You want to watch "Shark Tank?"  "Ummm nope," I would laugh.  He even called "Joe Exotic"  "Joe Dirt."  Oh my goodness...Mark makes me laugh.  "Tiger King" was a weird, bizarre distraction from the Coronavirus, and we now know what everyone is talking about.  LOL.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 20

Today has been hard.  I think we are all grieving in our different ways for things we have lost.  Teen girl desperately misses her friends and the mall.  Teen boy misses all the people on our block and the animals.  He misses school too.  Pre-teen girl misses her friends at school, and playing outside with her bestie on our block.  Man Cub misses Wal Mart and Great Wolf Lodge.  I am missing my support system, nail salon and hugging my mom.

I am hopeful with some nice weather heading our way this next week, that being outside and soaking in the vitamin D will help our moods improve a bit.  We do practice being thankful.  We have so much to be thankful for: a warm home, our health, food, a covered back patio and so much more.  But I know how important it is to acknowledge our feelings and feel them when they happen.  Grace upon grace...so much grace friends.

So instead of sharing all the difficult this past week...I want to share some joy.  Miss B is full of humor and comic relief when you need it.  I want to share just a few of the things she has said.  For the past several months, I have been writing down the hilarious things she says...who knows? Maybe someday I will write a book.

Without further ado here is Life According to Bella:

Getting out of the shower this week Bella says to me, "I'm becoming a real woman because I now need the hair towel."  

Mark talking to the kids about being thankful.
Mark: "I need you take what I am saying seriously."
Bella: "I can't take anything seriously."

Bella came into my bathroom this morning while I was getting ready for the day.
Bella: "Mom, Dad made breakfast again and it was better than last time.  Nothing was burnt.  He made French toast, bacon, and a side of Luke arguing about everything."

I was talking to Bella last week
Me: "Matthew seems happier now."

Bella: "That's because he's with the fun master!"

Luke and Bella talking about wanting Menchi's (frozen yogurt).  

Bella: "Oh, I haven't had Menchi's in forever!"

Luke: "I thought you can't have the dairy in the yogurt?"

Bella: "Oh well...I can power through it."

Bella announces to me, "Mom, I want to go to the Burj Khalifa."

Me: "what????"

Bella: "You know the tallest tower in the world in Dubai.  Hashtag goals."

I am so glad for the gift of my kids, even if they are difficult and drive me crazy at times.  They bring such joy and I am grateful for their companionship during this time.  Someday we will look back and see what a gift this was.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 15

Thirty days ago, this was not even remotely a possibility in my mind.  Schools closing, non-essential business closing, people losing jobs, people getting sick, people dying.  Words such as “social distancing” and “covid-19” and “pandemic” were not apart of my vocabulary.  Yet, here we are...wearing masks and gloves to buy groceries and other essential items.  This is now my grocery shopping normal.  My reusable mask, with a pocket for the filters, is a staple when I leave my house now.  Along with disposable gloves, hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes.  I find myself calculating the risk of leaving the house for groceries vs. staying home for another day.

However, today was a day I needed to get some things for my crew.  I left all the kiddos home with Mark and ventured to Costco, which is very well organized and I felt very safe shopping in their store.  Today they had a lot of toilet paper.  I bought one more pack to share with anyone who might need some.  That will be the last pack I purchase for awhile.  I was able to get paper towels for my mom and Roger, and other needed grocery items.  They had sugar and flour and Matthew’s all important Top Ramen in “beef” flavor.  

I continue my struggles with anxiety.  Currently, anxiety thinks it is a close friend, and has taken up residence again in my life.  Sometimes anxiety is a distant friend, who only will come around occasionally.  I am fighting the beast.  But it is everywhere (social media, news, computer, community, even in my dreams).  I can’t escape.  I am practicing as much self care as possible, but my normally heavy workload is even heavier.  I feel myself trying to balance and shift the ever increasing weight.  Thoughts bombard me constantly.  This is an example of what is floating around in my brain these days, “did Bella do a math lesson today? Did Luke feed the rabbits?  Is Grace in her room?  The dishwasher needs unloading.  Where is Grace? How is Luke doing on his health class?  I should sit with him more.  Is he out of medication yet? Maybe I should refill his prescriptions now.  Where is Matthew?  Why won’t he potty train?  What am I doing wrong?  He isn’t eating enough variety of foods.  Maybe we should go back to feeding therapy.  Wait...nothing is open right now.  I wonder how Mark is.  Is he tired?  Is he feeling okay? Did he pack enough food for the trip? The restaurant isn’t open right now.  I hope he can get enough to eat.  I hope he has enough cleaning supplies for everything.  I should look for some more disinfectant wipes.  Wipes.  I should probably wipe the counter off again and Lysol the bathrooms.  I need to remind kids again NO shoes in the house. Did someone just cough?  Who coughed? How are they each feeling?  Have the kids been on screens too long? Will the weather hold out long enough for a walk? I need some time alone without someone yelling “moooommmmm.”  What am I going to do with three kids doing distance learning next week and they ALL need me?  I don’t know how any teacher thinks I am capable of helping my kids do all the work that have assigned.  It just isn’t possible.  I am only one person trying to keep my kids healthy and safe during this time.  Truth is I don’t even care about school work right now.  Oh gosh I am a horrible teacher.”  

Tomorrow I will have my first telehealth counseling session with my therapist.  I am going to lock myself in the my office for one hour tomorrow and unload the weight of the world to my amazing therapist, and I know she will offer some advice and encouragement like she always does.  Self-care.  So thankful I don’t have to give that up.  I also decided I am going to start watching my favorite show “Gilmore Girls” from the beginning.  It always brings me such joy.  I tried to sneak a walk in tonight, just me, since Mark was home.  But I had a gaggle of kids that were anxious to join me and I couldn’t refuse.  They needed out as much as I did.  So I listened to them chatter away, about dogs and trees and playing and BBQs and parties.  Such sweet conversations.  Keep adjusting my friends.  I am still adjusting.  Adjusting my routine, my life, my expectations.  And give yourself grace...so much grace.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 13

“Mommy I wet”.  That was my wake up call this morning from my 4 year old.  My mind didn’t forget we were living in a pandemic this morning.  I was up and out of bed.  We normally do bath-time in the evening, but with a whole lot of nothing on the agenda today, I ran him a bath and plopped him in.  He’s currently “swimming in mommy’s pool” as he calls it.  I’m nestled on the bathmat typing and responding to his comments about “Mommy I make small waves, is that a green choice?” Now he is softly talking to himself and his bath toys.  I could say that he is blissfully unaware of the world, however, on some level I know he is trying to adjust to our new normal.  I know he is aware of the shifting changes around him.

I’ve decided that today I am loading all the kids up in the van and taking a drive.  I am deeming it “essential.”  It is “essential” for this mama’s mental health to get out of the house today.  When Matthew was a newborn, I left the house almost everyday.  I had read an article that said to combat postpartum depression you should leave your home everyday (whether for a walk, a drive or an errand).  Because I had struggled with postpartum depression/anxiety with Bella, I took this news to heart and left the house each day with Matthew in tow.  This current quarantine is very challenging for me.  I like to be going and doing.  I still catch myself thinking, “oh the movie theater sounds like a good idea today,” or “a walk on the beach is just what my soul needs.”  Then I am thrusted back into our current reality.  Of course I can’t do any of that.  Everything is closed.  I understand, and agree with why we are doing this.  I want to save lives.  I want to keep my family safe.  I don’t want to catch the virus.  But I know I also have to have self care. I am having to be creative on how I can achieve self care during this quarantine. I parent four beautiful souls, and they can be a handful and challenging at times.  Mark is home about half of the time during a month.  So half the time it’s just me.  I’ve lost my support system in my mom, who was always available to help and give me a break if I was desperate.  I miss her right now.  A lot.  There is no running up and getting my nails done (which was part of my self care), or meeting a friend for lunch or coffee, or wandering the aisles at Target to just breathe for an hour or two.  I am dealing with the new reality, and feeling sad.  I know it’s okay to feel sad and that this too shall pass.  

So...today I am leaving the house.  We will drive to the PDX airport and see how many airplanes we can see (Matthew’s favorite).  We won’t park or anything, just drive through the departure and arrival concourse.  Maybe we will find our way back home, by driving by my childhood home and all the schools I attended.  I’ll play 90s music in the van (thank you Sirius XM), and maybe wave to Mom and Roger from the car.   We will see.  I just know...today...I have to see the outside world.  And that my friends...will bring me joy.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 10

The rules have become stricter in the last two days.  I feel we barely got through the birthdays by the skin of our teeth.  Luke, who celebrated his birthday on the 22nd of March, was able to take a fishing day with his dad.  Now, those places are closed down to fishing.  Where we were able to take a long walk in Ridgefield last week...that too is now closed.   Campgrounds and parks and the beaches all closed.  My heart is heavy...

Bella celebrated her 10th birthday yesterday.  It was definitely not the birthday I had planned for her.  Her and I had been planning her 10th birthday since January.  We had taken several trips to the craft stores and had pinned a 100+ pins on Pinterest.  She had a whole birthday planned with her little friends.  And then the Coronavirus, and social distancing and quarantine became words that we have all begun saying.  We both had a good cry last week, and I set out to make her day special.  I know I succeeded.  Bella helped me decorate and make her birthday cake/cupcakes.  We even made a special game that everyone in the family played (including dad).  It took me FOUR tries to find a restaurant that was open for us to get her a special birthday dinner to go.  She played all day with her new toys and didn’t cry at all.  She was happy and felt loved.  That is a win.

It is now the 25th of March.  Just 25 days ago, I was sitting in a pizzeria with my family, eating and talking and not even slightly considering that this would be our reality today.  I have yet to find a groove in this crazy new world of ours.  Truth...I am having a very difficult time sleeping.  The past three nights it has been after 1am before I have been able to fall asleep.  And I am not reading or watching the news.  I have began distancing myself from the news and social media more during the day and have stopped reading articles about everything Coronavirus related.  I thought that would help. But I just can’t relax, or turn my mind off, or stop wondering where Mark is at, or worrying about family and friends that have lost jobs.  I am sure it is a combination of all of it.  

There are a few moments... the moments between when you first wake up and fully are awake.  In those moments, I don’t remember that we are in a global pandemic.  Then it hits me all over again as I rub the tired out of my eyes... we are in a pandemic.  I can’t change it or control it, so...I roll out of bed to face another day with my crew at home in the comfort of our warm little house.  I am thankful for many things, even during this scary and unknown time.  I’ve been able to help a few people.  That really is my heart...to help people.  I was able to give a bottle of spray Lysol to someone in need of one, a DVD called Robots to a mama who needed it for her son, and now some paper towels to a wonderful friend of mine.  It is my way to help, to reach out, and feel like I can make a difference during a time that is uncertain.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 7

Two days before the quarantine began it snowed.  My kids had been waiting all winter for a good snow day.  However, it felt very weird and overshadowed by the announcement from the Washington State governor declaring that the schools would be closed for the next six weeks.  In some ways, the snow felt like it was mocking me. I recalled past snow storms and children homebound for nearly a week.  Now, there would six weeks or more of kids homebound.

I waited in a line longer than this at our local grocery store shortly after the governor announced that he was closing schools.  Me and everyone else apparently.  I have never in my life seen anything like this.  It is both parts terrifying and fascinating to watch.  

Our family is in the southern part of Washington State.  Washington has been one of the hardest hits states of the Coronavirus.  I have been challenged to keep up on everything while meeting the needs of my four children.  Many jumped into homeschooling this past week, I just couldn’t.  We are mostly set up online learning because of the hybrid school my kids attend. I have to admit I have felt somewhat ran over by a bus. Four kid in three different schools is tough.  Especially when you have three kiddos on IEPs. We did literally nothing this past week.  There were art projects, and coloring and play doh and paint.  But no formal education was done.  I focused most of my time helping my almost 10 year old process not having her birthday party on Saturday and why as she said “the world sucks right now.”

We have all taken to the new confinement in different ways.  Bella has been cleaning and organizing and rearranging furniture.  Bless.her.heart.  “Mom, can you help me move this dresser?”  Ummm....okay.  I walked into their room (she shares with her 4 year old brother) and she had rearranged his side of the room too.  

She has also been crafting her little heart out with anything that she can find.  I’m proud of her with all the anxiety she deals with that there has only been one break down this past week.

I’ve been cooking more...obviously.  I’ve been trying to make things better with some of their favorites.  I have been struggling so much with the thought of two of my kids having birthdays during the middle of this pandemic.  I want their days to be special.  Ugh...life is a lesson in flexibility.

Friends and family have reached out and sent some wonderful things to the kids to brighten their day.  As a mama, I appreciate this so much!  They were thrilled when these packages arrived.

I’ve been back at work online with VIPKID.  I was taking a break for a couple of months and had plans to return when the time changed back.  It just happened to coincide with the Coronavirus.  Not many classes booked for this next week, but I am okay with that.

 My kids favorite meme right now.  You know when Disney is closed there is a problem.

We’ve been filling our time enjoying the beautiful weather.  Badminton, chalk art and water tables all around.  Along with playing with the baby bunnies.

Trying out online classes...there was a bit of a technology learning curve for Grace at first.

 Brothers playing video games.

Did I mention...catching flies?  Oh yes she did!

We were able to take a long walk on Thursday out away from others.  “Social distancing...”. The new phrase.

Oh my husband...bless his heart and his comic relief to me right now.  I am the more anxious one, and well...he is what I like to refer to him as, “middle school Mark.”  Haha.  He is always close by with a hilarious meme, or crazy outfit to get me laughing.  I love this man.  He works so hard.  He is out there on trains right now making sure the freight gets through.  I try to not worry.  My worst fear is that somehow he gets stuck away from us in Pasco.  

We celebrated our first birthday in the pandemic.  Luke turned 17 today!  I spent a good week preparing for the fact that we may not be able to leave the house.  He was able to go fishing with his dad on Friday and he had a cake and presents and lots of love and phone calls.  Definitely a birthday he will always remember.  I have let him spend the majority of the day playing Fortnite.  Something I never do.  

“We don’t remember days...we remember moments.”