Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 15

Thirty days ago, this was not even remotely a possibility in my mind.  Schools closing, non-essential business closing, people losing jobs, people getting sick, people dying.  Words such as “social distancing” and “covid-19” and “pandemic” were not apart of my vocabulary.  Yet, here we are...wearing masks and gloves to buy groceries and other essential items.  This is now my grocery shopping normal.  My reusable mask, with a pocket for the filters, is a staple when I leave my house now.  Along with disposable gloves, hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes.  I find myself calculating the risk of leaving the house for groceries vs. staying home for another day.

However, today was a day I needed to get some things for my crew.  I left all the kiddos home with Mark and ventured to Costco, which is very well organized and I felt very safe shopping in their store.  Today they had a lot of toilet paper.  I bought one more pack to share with anyone who might need some.  That will be the last pack I purchase for awhile.  I was able to get paper towels for my mom and Roger, and other needed grocery items.  They had sugar and flour and Matthew’s all important Top Ramen in “beef” flavor.  

I continue my struggles with anxiety.  Currently, anxiety thinks it is a close friend, and has taken up residence again in my life.  Sometimes anxiety is a distant friend, who only will come around occasionally.  I am fighting the beast.  But it is everywhere (social media, news, computer, community, even in my dreams).  I can’t escape.  I am practicing as much self care as possible, but my normally heavy workload is even heavier.  I feel myself trying to balance and shift the ever increasing weight.  Thoughts bombard me constantly.  This is an example of what is floating around in my brain these days, “did Bella do a math lesson today? Did Luke feed the rabbits?  Is Grace in her room?  The dishwasher needs unloading.  Where is Grace? How is Luke doing on his health class?  I should sit with him more.  Is he out of medication yet? Maybe I should refill his prescriptions now.  Where is Matthew?  Why won’t he potty train?  What am I doing wrong?  He isn’t eating enough variety of foods.  Maybe we should go back to feeding therapy.  Wait...nothing is open right now.  I wonder how Mark is.  Is he tired?  Is he feeling okay? Did he pack enough food for the trip? The restaurant isn’t open right now.  I hope he can get enough to eat.  I hope he has enough cleaning supplies for everything.  I should look for some more disinfectant wipes.  Wipes.  I should probably wipe the counter off again and Lysol the bathrooms.  I need to remind kids again NO shoes in the house. Did someone just cough?  Who coughed? How are they each feeling?  Have the kids been on screens too long? Will the weather hold out long enough for a walk? I need some time alone without someone yelling “moooommmmm.”  What am I going to do with three kids doing distance learning next week and they ALL need me?  I don’t know how any teacher thinks I am capable of helping my kids do all the work that have assigned.  It just isn’t possible.  I am only one person trying to keep my kids healthy and safe during this time.  Truth is I don’t even care about school work right now.  Oh gosh I am a horrible teacher.”  

Tomorrow I will have my first telehealth counseling session with my therapist.  I am going to lock myself in the my office for one hour tomorrow and unload the weight of the world to my amazing therapist, and I know she will offer some advice and encouragement like she always does.  Self-care.  So thankful I don’t have to give that up.  I also decided I am going to start watching my favorite show “Gilmore Girls” from the beginning.  It always brings me such joy.  I tried to sneak a walk in tonight, just me, since Mark was home.  But I had a gaggle of kids that were anxious to join me and I couldn’t refuse.  They needed out as much as I did.  So I listened to them chatter away, about dogs and trees and playing and BBQs and parties.  Such sweet conversations.  Keep adjusting my friends.  I am still adjusting.  Adjusting my routine, my life, my expectations.  And give yourself grace...so much grace.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 13

“Mommy I wet”.  That was my wake up call this morning from my 4 year old.  My mind didn’t forget we were living in a pandemic this morning.  I was up and out of bed.  We normally do bath-time in the evening, but with a whole lot of nothing on the agenda today, I ran him a bath and plopped him in.  He’s currently “swimming in mommy’s pool” as he calls it.  I’m nestled on the bathmat typing and responding to his comments about “Mommy I make small waves, is that a green choice?” Now he is softly talking to himself and his bath toys.  I could say that he is blissfully unaware of the world, however, on some level I know he is trying to adjust to our new normal.  I know he is aware of the shifting changes around him.

I’ve decided that today I am loading all the kids up in the van and taking a drive.  I am deeming it “essential.”  It is “essential” for this mama’s mental health to get out of the house today.  When Matthew was a newborn, I left the house almost everyday.  I had read an article that said to combat postpartum depression you should leave your home everyday (whether for a walk, a drive or an errand).  Because I had struggled with postpartum depression/anxiety with Bella, I took this news to heart and left the house each day with Matthew in tow.  This current quarantine is very challenging for me.  I like to be going and doing.  I still catch myself thinking, “oh the movie theater sounds like a good idea today,” or “a walk on the beach is just what my soul needs.”  Then I am thrusted back into our current reality.  Of course I can’t do any of that.  Everything is closed.  I understand, and agree with why we are doing this.  I want to save lives.  I want to keep my family safe.  I don’t want to catch the virus.  But I know I also have to have self care. I am having to be creative on how I can achieve self care during this quarantine. I parent four beautiful souls, and they can be a handful and challenging at times.  Mark is home about half of the time during a month.  So half the time it’s just me.  I’ve lost my support system in my mom, who was always available to help and give me a break if I was desperate.  I miss her right now.  A lot.  There is no running up and getting my nails done (which was part of my self care), or meeting a friend for lunch or coffee, or wandering the aisles at Target to just breathe for an hour or two.  I am dealing with the new reality, and feeling sad.  I know it’s okay to feel sad and that this too shall pass.  

So...today I am leaving the house.  We will drive to the PDX airport and see how many airplanes we can see (Matthew’s favorite).  We won’t park or anything, just drive through the departure and arrival concourse.  Maybe we will find our way back home, by driving by my childhood home and all the schools I attended.  I’ll play 90s music in the van (thank you Sirius XM), and maybe wave to Mom and Roger from the car.   We will see.  I just know...today...I have to see the outside world.  And that my friends...will bring me joy.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 10

The rules have become stricter in the last two days.  I feel we barely got through the birthdays by the skin of our teeth.  Luke, who celebrated his birthday on the 22nd of March, was able to take a fishing day with his dad.  Now, those places are closed down to fishing.  Where we were able to take a long walk in Ridgefield last week...that too is now closed.   Campgrounds and parks and the beaches all closed.  My heart is heavy...

Bella celebrated her 10th birthday yesterday.  It was definitely not the birthday I had planned for her.  Her and I had been planning her 10th birthday since January.  We had taken several trips to the craft stores and had pinned a 100+ pins on Pinterest.  She had a whole birthday planned with her little friends.  And then the Coronavirus, and social distancing and quarantine became words that we have all begun saying.  We both had a good cry last week, and I set out to make her day special.  I know I succeeded.  Bella helped me decorate and make her birthday cake/cupcakes.  We even made a special game that everyone in the family played (including dad).  It took me FOUR tries to find a restaurant that was open for us to get her a special birthday dinner to go.  She played all day with her new toys and didn’t cry at all.  She was happy and felt loved.  That is a win.

It is now the 25th of March.  Just 25 days ago, I was sitting in a pizzeria with my family, eating and talking and not even slightly considering that this would be our reality today.  I have yet to find a groove in this crazy new world of ours.  Truth...I am having a very difficult time sleeping.  The past three nights it has been after 1am before I have been able to fall asleep.  And I am not reading or watching the news.  I have began distancing myself from the news and social media more during the day and have stopped reading articles about everything Coronavirus related.  I thought that would help. But I just can’t relax, or turn my mind off, or stop wondering where Mark is at, or worrying about family and friends that have lost jobs.  I am sure it is a combination of all of it.  

There are a few moments... the moments between when you first wake up and fully are awake.  In those moments, I don’t remember that we are in a global pandemic.  Then it hits me all over again as I rub the tired out of my eyes... we are in a pandemic.  I can’t change it or control it, so...I roll out of bed to face another day with my crew at home in the comfort of our warm little house.  I am thankful for many things, even during this scary and unknown time.  I’ve been able to help a few people.  That really is my heart...to help people.  I was able to give a bottle of spray Lysol to someone in need of one, a DVD called Robots to a mama who needed it for her son, and now some paper towels to a wonderful friend of mine.  It is my way to help, to reach out, and feel like I can make a difference during a time that is uncertain.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 7

Two days before the quarantine began it snowed.  My kids had been waiting all winter for a good snow day.  However, it felt very weird and overshadowed by the announcement from the Washington State governor declaring that the schools would be closed for the next six weeks.  In some ways, the snow felt like it was mocking me. I recalled past snow storms and children homebound for nearly a week.  Now, there would six weeks or more of kids homebound.

I waited in a line longer than this at our local grocery store shortly after the governor announced that he was closing schools.  Me and everyone else apparently.  I have never in my life seen anything like this.  It is both parts terrifying and fascinating to watch.  

Our family is in the southern part of Washington State.  Washington has been one of the hardest hits states of the Coronavirus.  I have been challenged to keep up on everything while meeting the needs of my four children.  Many jumped into homeschooling this past week, I just couldn’t.  We are mostly set up online learning because of the hybrid school my kids attend. I have to admit I have felt somewhat ran over by a bus. Four kid in three different schools is tough.  Especially when you have three kiddos on IEPs. We did literally nothing this past week.  There were art projects, and coloring and play doh and paint.  But no formal education was done.  I focused most of my time helping my almost 10 year old process not having her birthday party on Saturday and why as she said “the world sucks right now.”

We have all taken to the new confinement in different ways.  Bella has been cleaning and organizing and rearranging furniture.  Bless.her.heart.  “Mom, can you help me move this dresser?”  Ummm....okay.  I walked into their room (she shares with her 4 year old brother) and she had rearranged his side of the room too.  

She has also been crafting her little heart out with anything that she can find.  I’m proud of her with all the anxiety she deals with that there has only been one break down this past week.

I’ve been cooking more...obviously.  I’ve been trying to make things better with some of their favorites.  I have been struggling so much with the thought of two of my kids having birthdays during the middle of this pandemic.  I want their days to be special.  Ugh...life is a lesson in flexibility.

Friends and family have reached out and sent some wonderful things to the kids to brighten their day.  As a mama, I appreciate this so much!  They were thrilled when these packages arrived.

I’ve been back at work online with VIPKID.  I was taking a break for a couple of months and had plans to return when the time changed back.  It just happened to coincide with the Coronavirus.  Not many classes booked for this next week, but I am okay with that.

 My kids favorite meme right now.  You know when Disney is closed there is a problem.

We’ve been filling our time enjoying the beautiful weather.  Badminton, chalk art and water tables all around.  Along with playing with the baby bunnies.

Trying out online classes...there was a bit of a technology learning curve for Grace at first.

 Brothers playing video games.

Did I mention...catching flies?  Oh yes she did!

We were able to take a long walk on Thursday out away from others.  “Social distancing...”. The new phrase.

Oh my husband...bless his heart and his comic relief to me right now.  I am the more anxious one, and well...he is what I like to refer to him as, “middle school Mark.”  Haha.  He is always close by with a hilarious meme, or crazy outfit to get me laughing.  I love this man.  He works so hard.  He is out there on trains right now making sure the freight gets through.  I try to not worry.  My worst fear is that somehow he gets stuck away from us in Pasco.  

We celebrated our first birthday in the pandemic.  Luke turned 17 today!  I spent a good week preparing for the fact that we may not be able to leave the house.  He was able to go fishing with his dad on Friday and he had a cake and presents and lots of love and phone calls.  Definitely a birthday he will always remember.  I have let him spend the majority of the day playing Fortnite.  Something I never do.  

“We don’t remember days...we remember moments.”

The First Week of March: Beginnings of Influenza

I know I am not alone in feeling disappointment this month.  Many have had to cancel travel plans, parties, weddings, and other celebrations because of the virus that is going through our world.  Our story begins on Saturday, February 29, 2020.  I was running errands to get ready for being out of town with Mark for a few days.  It was our annual couples trip.  We were headed to the beach.  What started as a sore throat and tickle in the back of my throat, turned into body aches the next day.  Regardless we were leaving on Monday.  I could rest at the beach house and just as easily be sick there than at home.  

By the time we made it to the beach I was hurting all over.  I could barely walk through the little store to get food for the beach house.  My body hurt, throat hurt and my cough was bothering me.  Still I was not admitting that I was really sick.  After a coughing fit in the middle of the night, I went upstairs to sleep in another room, as to not bother Mark.  Fantastic.  Our first night away in eight months, I was so sick I had to sleep in another room.  By noon the next day, I looked at Mark, who was coughing at this point, and asked him to take me home.  We stopped by urgent care on the way home and surprisingly both tested positive for Influenza A.  I got the extra bonus of a chest x-ray, which thankfully came back negative For pneumonia.  We headed home to my mom, who was watching the kids. When we arrived home, it was clear Matthew was also sick.  I was certain he had the flu too.  

The next day my throat hurt so badly I could barely swallow.  Luke was complaining of his throat hurting.  My throat had not hurt that bad since my tonsillectomy recovery of 2011.  So back to urgent care we went.  I have to say that I HATE and DESPISE the strep test.  I have an extremely sensitive gag reflex.  Somehow I made it through the strep test.  A few minutes later a head nurse comes in to tell me that they had ran my strep test twice and it came back “inconclusive”.  She delivered the good news that we were going to do the strep test again.  “NOOOOOO” was exactly what I said.  In the end we ended up testing negative for strep.  That was good news.  The bad news was that during the night Luke began running a high fever.

The next day, I took Luke, Grace and Matthew into the doctor to be tested for the flu.  Bella had showed NO symptom of the flu.  Matthew tested positive and Grace and Luke tested negative.  I was sure Luke had the flu.  I still treated him the same way, since treating the flu is just managing symptoms.  

I would end up going back to the doctor for the 4th time a week later and have another chest X-ray (negative for pneumonia) but was treated for bronchitis.  What a whirlwind of a week.  I was so very very sick.  

In the midst of the illness, I was really blessed to have friends bring over meals for our family.  It is so difficult to be so sick and still have to care for people in your family that are sick.  I have learned to always say “YES” when someone offers to bring you food.  So thank you my wonderful tribe of family and friends.  I appreciated it so much.

Our bunnies have been a fun distraction during the illness.  They are growing like weeds.  We have 13 babes in all.  They will all grow up to be meat rabbits.  But I can’t think about that right now.  LOL.

 None of us were tested for the new Coronavirus, even though I would have liked to know.  The testing just wasn’t available.  We are in some very weird and interesting times right now.  I’m trying to keep things calm, be available for my kids and support my railroader husband who has a big job to do right now.

Even in the midst of sickness I still voted.  I was proud of myself.

I ended the week with a pedicure/self-care.  I am so glad that I did because now my nail shop is closed until further notice.  Take care of yourselves my friends.  Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first so that you can put masks on others.  

Matthew Turns 4: Week Seven

How does your family celebrate the milestones?  I've done all sorts of birthday celebrations over the years.  This year on my quest for less/more, I decided that each birthday would be more about the experience than the gifts.  When I asked Matthew what he wanted to do for his birthday he said, "Chuck E Cheese!"  So we took our little family, Mimi and Papa, bought a cake and went to Chuck E Cheese.

He loved his Thomas birthday cake.  In an effort to save money, I had a basic cake made and then bought Thomas candles to put on the cake.  Mr. Man Cub didn't know the difference.  

The preschool art is still giving me all the feels over here. 

Luke got new shoes.  Hey, if it isn't broke, don't fix it.  I love this kid.

Man Cub just being part of Nature Notebooks.  I love how they include him.

I enjoyed attending another one of Grace's basketball games.  She has made some great improvements.  

These little cheerleaders were very interested in sister playing basketball.

Rainbow Rice.

Towards the end of the week, Mark, Matthew and I all attened the PDX car show.  I always enjoy this date with Mark.  Watching Matthew enjoy it with his dad too was so fun!  Oh.my.heart.  Seriously!!! Does the Jeep picture just kill you?  "Take my picture in the red Jeep beep mom."  I am dead!

Mark is testing out a car he is dreaming about.  He always has some idea or something he is thinking about.  I love hearing about all his ideas and thoughts.

Last night being three.  Adventure awaits being 4.