Hold On To Hope: Called to Love Retreat

I recently returned from a weekend retreat.  The retreat is "Called to Love" and it is designed as a retreat for moms that have adopted and/or foster kids.  This was my second year attending.  The theme for the weekend was "Hold on To Hope".  There is something so amazing and uplifting and refreshing to attend the retreat with 200 other mamas that "get it".  Moms that understand the struggles that you go through, the path you walk, and the thoughts you think when you are all alone.

There were so many great break out sessions and main speakers.  I took as many notes as I could possibly write.  I had the opportunity to paint a canvas and get a manicure and walk in the gardens at the Oregon Garden Resort.  I was really having an amazing time.  And.then.came.the.phone.call...at 5pm on Saturday.  My husband was taking our youngest (8 months) to the ER.  He choked on something or inhaled something.  There is nothing more debilitating to a mother than to be an hour and half away from her baby that needs her.  So many different thoughts flooded through my mind from (you shouldn't have left your baby...you are so selfish, to why couldn't your husband watch the baby closer, to I am never going to be able to let the baby out of my sight again).  All of those thoughts, of course, are irrational but in the moment of having absolutely no control that is unfortunately where my mind went.  I wish my first reaction would have been trust, faith and prayer.  I have a long ways to go. 

Fast forward...Man cub was just fine.  They determined whatever he choked on was swallowed and he was just fine.  I made it to him in Room 202 at Legacy Hospital.  He was babbling away..."ba-ba-ba-ba-ba" (his favorite and ONLY word) and being his usual busy self.   The only thing we had to wait for was for him to eat two jars of baby food to make sure he was using all his muscles in the throat and esophagus.  He flew through both jars and we were released.  I was relieved.  Children will you on your toes.  ALWAYS!

Man Cub's choking episode has got me thinking.  I realized that he has been struggling with tolerating different textures.  I think back to my other kiddos, and foster kiddos and realize many of them were eating crackers, soft green beans and noodles.  Most were able to use the pincer grasp (index and thumb) to pick up small items like Cheerios and small Puff snacks (We keep trying these Happy Baby Puffs)  I like them because Man cub seems to want to eat them and they smell great.  BUT Man Cub...not so much.  So this week...in an effort to help him taste some new people food without worrying about the risk of choking I bought him these Baby Fresh Food Feeders.  I bought the boy colors but they come in girly colors too.  I also spoke with his pediatrician this week.  Side note...the Dahl kids' doctor is AMAZING!  I cannot say enough wonderful things about him.  He is gentle, kind and really listens to me.  He LOVES babies too.  Dr. Miller recommended putting soft food into his cheek so that he really has to gum it before he swallows it.  Here is hoping that Man cub figures it all out, because for as much as this kid LOVES to eat (hello six jars of baby food a day) you think he would be stealing food off our plates.  LOL. 

Super cute Winnie the Pooh Walker.  Baby walkers at a good price were very difficult to find.  We love that this one has a tray and plays music.  Super easy fold down for traveling (like when you go to Mimi and Papa's house for a party!)

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Respite Care and what it looks like...

Have you ever wondered what respite care is?  What is looks like in someone's home?  Here is a glimpse into ours. 

Sometimes and most times respite care is planned.  Foster Families need breaks, vacations and times away.  That is when they schedule respite with other foster families (like ours).  Sometimes respite is an emergency situation and you have very little notice from when you say "yes" and when the child arrives.  Respite care is also done within a timeline (such as Friday to Monday) or a week of vacation...etc.

Other times our family might do respite care is when a child first comes into care and they are looking for a long term home for them.  Above is an example of a foster child welcome box that was given upon entering care.  This was neat for me to see because our school CCA had put together welcome boxes in one of our monthly community outreach after school events. 



Even after doing foster care for 10 years, it never ceases to cause me to stop and reflect when everything a child owns is brought to you in a bag.  I cried.  For the hurt that you see in their eyes when they are handed to you.  When you search frantically for something to connect with them, to ease their fears and anxiety after their world has been turned upside down.  When they cling to you and push you away all at the same time.  My heart breaks. 

We loved this little one for a few days and then he moved on to his long term home.  We are privileged to help in the moments of uncertainty, moments for breaks and rejuvenation.  It is a ministry, a tough ministry that causes your world to become larger.  You count your blessings, hold your babies a little tighter and a little longer, and you say a pray for all things in which you cannot control. 

"Titles"

I have to admit...I am struggling a bit.  I know mostly I write about the kids (or in particular Luke), but today my mind has been consumed by me (selfish I know).  Not consumed by what can I buy for myself, or time by myself, but really wondering what am I supposed to be doing?  I know it sounds like a silly question...duh..your a wife and mom...etc...etc... But what am I suppose to be doing for this next school year?  My mind works in teacher years (so this fall will be the beginning of a new year).  I DON'T have a class or a classroom for the fall. I don't even have any prospects.  I have been trying, and even went on a disastrous interview, but let's be honest...there isn't much out there right now.  Then I start to think....should I even have a classroom next year?  What is it that I should be doing this next school year? Usually nearing the beginning of fall I know exactly the path I am going down....

for awhile it was teacher....

or foster mom....or foster parent mentor...



then it was teacher again...

last year surivival mode....but what about this year?

I am struggling to find what I am supposed to be doing.  Sometimes I feel a lot of pressure to use my education since I worked so long and hard for it.  It is true...I feel a lot of pressure to teach...but maybe it isn't the season for teaching.  I had thought I was going to home school the kids, but that wasn't the right decision either for this year.  Maybe I am just looking too hard.  Maybe right now I just need to invest in my kids and let go of my other titles (which I have to admit is difficult for me).  I think (and I am just being honest here) that I find a lot of my self-worth in my titles, and when I don't have a title..ahhhmmm (like "teacher") I am not really sure what to do with myself.  I know that God is trying to teach me something in all this.  I know that I should look to HIM for my value and not find value based on what "title" I have.  But I have to admit...that is difficult for me.  I am not really a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl.  I like to know the plan...I NEED to know the plan.

But somewhere I keep hearing "maybe this is the season for not having a plan."  Yep...surrendering to the unknown and having FAITH that God, who sees the whole picture, will direct my path.  My dad used to preach an illustrated message about how we only see a very limited view of our lives and how God has the view of the entire picture.  That sort of reminds me of what I am feeling now.

Oh...how I MISS my dad.  Church has never been the same without him.  Sunday's continue to be the most difficult day of the week for me.  How do you change something that you did for 22 years of your life.  I admit it has been a struggle.  Sometimes during worship time in church currently, we will sing a song that my dad sang all those years leading worship, and I close my eyes and just listen.  And in my mind I can picture my dad in his gray suit playing his guitar.  I miss the simplicity of how he ran church.  He had such a love for people for his family....

Anyway... Psalms 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God."  And while I am in the midst of figuring out what path I should be going down, I will pray for direction and that I will find my value based on who I am rather than "my title".  I think more than anything else...I just want to use my time doing something that matters.  There are so many people doing incredible things in service to others...like my cousin Shauna who started "Pantry Packs" to feed students in the school she works out over the weekends.  How simple and important is that?  She saw a need and she did something about it.  I am inspired.  Or others that advocate for Orphans and Widows or others that advocate for children in Foster Care..etc.  I just want to do something that changes the world.