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Friday, September 25, 2015

Where to Even Start...

It has been so long since I posted anything, I am not sure if anyone out there is still reading.  Regardless, I have so much to say, update, write, share...that I am not even sure where to start.  

First, I want to mention three big things...1) Bella's heart is absolutely PERFECT!!!  She had a great appointment in July and the doctor watched the entire echo procedure.  He said her murmur was completely normal.  2) Luke's eyes remain stable!!!  He goes back to Casey Eye at the end of November.  3) I am 19 weeks pregnant with a baby BOY!!!!  Total surprise for us.  I am calling him our bonus baby, because I feel so blessed that we are given one more little blessing.  He will be our last, as he is our completion for our family.  So life has been full of lots of appointments, blood work, ultrasounds.  But I am having a completely healthy, normal pregnancy.


The other big news (and you can tell from my photos) is that all my kiddos went back to school.  I'm three weeks into the school year and I miss them terribly.  Maybe it's the hormones, or that things haven't gone very smoothly for my kids transitioning back to school, but I have cried nearly every day for them.  The house is too quiet and I have spent far more time by myself in the last week (since Mark is working day shift) than I have in the last year. 

The biggest transition piece is that this little five year started all day kindergarten.  Bella and I have been connected at the hip since the day she was born.  We both miss each other, but probably me missing more of her.  She is one of those children that are such a joy to be around.  She has encountered some issues such a bullying, a child taking parts of her lunch, a child continually laughing at what she brings for share.  Bella keeps telling me, "we don't get to play toys class.  We work, work, work." This is upsetting because she is just five and play is such a developmental part of learning.  She is at school for almost seven hours...too long.  I have been beating myself up for not putting her in half day.  In the passing of a week, I feel like she has had to abandoned her childhood, creativity and imagination for a pencil and worksheets (it's really like first grade).  This is not the education I dreamed for her.
Luke and Grace have had their own fair share of struggles too.  At the VERY last minute, Grace's teacher moved to California and needed to be replaced.  Poor sweet girl has had very high anxiety and stress since and has had to adjust to new circumstances and a new teacher.  It's been difficult to say the least.  She has asked me to return to public school and to be homeschooled.

Luke began middle school and with it has come so much work and homework I cried every night for the first two weeks.  (Can you see crying is a theme with me?)  I often question my decisions for my children.  Honestly, there is a huge part of me that wishes to go back and do things differently.  I feel stuck now.  For two of my children with special needs, I wonder how hard to push them?  How much do I expect from them?  How outside the box do I need to think?  What is best?  Lately, I question have I pushed Luke too far.  In my quest to prove he is capable and he is able and he can, have I forgot that each of us has limitations.  I know hard work is good.  It molds us, it grows us.  But is he so stressed out that he isn't getting much.  Is he focusing too much on being behind to learn.  All things I wrestle with, and unfortunately there is no manual or guide for figuring this all out.  So I continue to struggle and question and process....

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