Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 15

Thirty days ago, this was not even remotely a possibility in my mind.  Schools closing, non-essential business closing, people losing jobs, people getting sick, people dying.  Words such as “social distancing” and “covid-19” and “pandemic” were not apart of my vocabulary.  Yet, here we are...wearing masks and gloves to buy groceries and other essential items.  This is now my grocery shopping normal.  My reusable mask, with a pocket for the filters, is a staple when I leave my house now.  Along with disposable gloves, hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes.  I find myself calculating the risk of leaving the house for groceries vs. staying home for another day.

However, today was a day I needed to get some things for my crew.  I left all the kiddos home with Mark and ventured to Costco, which is very well organized and I felt very safe shopping in their store.  Today they had a lot of toilet paper.  I bought one more pack to share with anyone who might need some.  That will be the last pack I purchase for awhile.  I was able to get paper towels for my mom and Roger, and other needed grocery items.  They had sugar and flour and Matthew’s all important Top Ramen in “beef” flavor.  

I continue my struggles with anxiety.  Currently, anxiety thinks it is a close friend, and has taken up residence again in my life.  Sometimes anxiety is a distant friend, who only will come around occasionally.  I am fighting the beast.  But it is everywhere (social media, news, computer, community, even in my dreams).  I can’t escape.  I am practicing as much self care as possible, but my normally heavy workload is even heavier.  I feel myself trying to balance and shift the ever increasing weight.  Thoughts bombard me constantly.  This is an example of what is floating around in my brain these days, “did Bella do a math lesson today? Did Luke feed the rabbits?  Is Grace in her room?  The dishwasher needs unloading.  Where is Grace? How is Luke doing on his health class?  I should sit with him more.  Is he out of medication yet? Maybe I should refill his prescriptions now.  Where is Matthew?  Why won’t he potty train?  What am I doing wrong?  He isn’t eating enough variety of foods.  Maybe we should go back to feeding therapy.  Wait...nothing is open right now.  I wonder how Mark is.  Is he tired?  Is he feeling okay? Did he pack enough food for the trip? The restaurant isn’t open right now.  I hope he can get enough to eat.  I hope he has enough cleaning supplies for everything.  I should look for some more disinfectant wipes.  Wipes.  I should probably wipe the counter off again and Lysol the bathrooms.  I need to remind kids again NO shoes in the house. Did someone just cough?  Who coughed? How are they each feeling?  Have the kids been on screens too long? Will the weather hold out long enough for a walk? I need some time alone without someone yelling “moooommmmm.”  What am I going to do with three kids doing distance learning next week and they ALL need me?  I don’t know how any teacher thinks I am capable of helping my kids do all the work that have assigned.  It just isn’t possible.  I am only one person trying to keep my kids healthy and safe during this time.  Truth is I don’t even care about school work right now.  Oh gosh I am a horrible teacher.”  

Tomorrow I will have my first telehealth counseling session with my therapist.  I am going to lock myself in the my office for one hour tomorrow and unload the weight of the world to my amazing therapist, and I know she will offer some advice and encouragement like she always does.  Self-care.  So thankful I don’t have to give that up.  I also decided I am going to start watching my favorite show “Gilmore Girls” from the beginning.  It always brings me such joy.  I tried to sneak a walk in tonight, just me, since Mark was home.  But I had a gaggle of kids that were anxious to join me and I couldn’t refuse.  They needed out as much as I did.  So I listened to them chatter away, about dogs and trees and playing and BBQs and parties.  Such sweet conversations.  Keep adjusting my friends.  I am still adjusting.  Adjusting my routine, my life, my expectations.  And give yourself grace...so much grace.