Life @ The Dahlhouse: Disappointment

*After working on this post for several weeks (reading and re-reading) this is my best account of the last three months.  

I'm not sure if there is anyone out there still reading my little blog.  It has been a good three months since I have written ANYTHING. I am anything but consistent. There has been so much happening in life, however, it has been difficult for me to write anything.  So instead of working through it by writing, I have shoved it down deep inside and have been unable to come to this place.  But now, I am making an effort to work through it, and to move forward from where I have been stuck for awhile.

So here it goes...In August, I started a brand new job.  A brand new adventure, a new chapter in life, and I was so, so excited.  Shortly after my hysterectomy, I applied for and interviewed for a kindergarten teaching position at a private school.  I was ecstatic to learn that I got the job!  I spent most of my recovery planning, pinning and ordering things for my new classroom.  I envisioned the classroom theme (rainbows), table groups (Brown Bear Brown Bear themed animals), colors, activities, circle time.  I LOVE kindergarten.  I had such a wonderful experience with my mentor teacher back in 2002 in kindergarten.  I knew the start of the school year would be crazy, due to the school campus moving locations, and I had prepared in my mind to be flexible.  What I failed to prepare myself for was all the unknowns.  The things that happened that I had no control over.  I had no idea the administration of the school was going to ask the teaching staff to move the ENTIRE school on their own.  They decided to not hire movers.  It wasn't in the budget.  For over a week, the teaching staff exhausted killed themselves moving tables, chairs, filing cabinets, desks, white boards, totes of curriculum and everything else you can think of that a school needs.  This also included the teaching staff to move the entire early childhood education center as well.  The teachers had exactly 1 day to put together and decorate our classrooms to be ready to greet our students and their families on back to school night.  I worked from 8am to 11pm putting my classroom together and it was no where near ready.  When it was finally time to meet the students, I was exhausted and run down.  My heart was racing a lot of the time from the stress I was under.  This was a scary feeling for me, and only increased my anxiety.

I started the school year with no training on curriculum (I hadn't even looked at it), a half finished classroom, and no information about my students (other than their names).  I didn't even know how to log onto the computer and take attendance...mainly because I didn't have one (a computer) in the classroom.  There was no playground for the students (although there was a big pile of dirt).  The solution was for the kids to play in the road (they blocked it off with cones and supervision).  It was utter chaos.  Right before school began, I found out my students would be eating lunch in the classroom because they were one portable short for kinder to be able to come to the cafeteria to eat.  Great.  In the next breath, I was told that I would be supervising my last recess.  Oh, and all of the specials (music, art, and technology) would be happening in the classroom.  PE would be taking place in a parking lot, except on the days it rained...those classes would be held in the classroom.  My portable classroom wasn't very big.  It barely fit all the students tables, a circle area and some room in the back for small classroom library.

I tried to make the best of it.  The students were a VERY busy, very chatty bunch of kids.  They needed room to move and play.  They had a difficult time listening.  I had 5 students that I had to make sure I had a line of sight on at all times.  I began taking data on several students and approached the administration about help.  I took data for weeks.  Help never came.

Part of my salary package was for Matthew to be able to attend the daycare on site at the same school.  I thought this was just the best idea.  I paid my registration fee and signed him up after I was hired.  School began in September, except Matthew didn't begin daycare, because the ECE hadn't received their state license yet.  They had no idea when this would happen.  Weeks went by and no license.  I understand this wasn't there fault. However, I was often put in a very difficult position trying to find someone to watch  him at the last minute and then paying out of pocket for last minute care.  Sometimes we were put in a position where we had to leave Matthew with Luke for an hour or so...this wasn't a great idea either and caused me to worry...a lot.  This wasn't the arrangement that I agreed to.  I was beyond stressed, exhausted and emotional.  I cried.all.the.time.

I think the moment I knew...that this wasn't going to work was at the curriculum night at school.  I had a father of one of my students approach me and ask about security at the new campus.  I directed him to talk to the principal or superintendent.  He then proceeded to ask me if I had a concealed carry permit.  His wife looked the other way.  I remember laughing a little thinking he was joking.  He said, "No, I am serious.  Do you have concealed carry permit to protect our child at school?"  I refused to answer that question and again directed the questions back to the principal.  I was flustered by this exchange.  Then, I had another father, who had taught in the public schools for 13 years, scowl at me during the entire curriculum presentation.  I overheard him tell his wife that he absolutely would never do things the way I was going to do them.  I went home that night and was done.  I couldn't get help from the administration, I wasn't supported, the students were out of control, and the parents weren't thrilled with me, I had no daycare for Matthew, and was taking anti-anxiety meds to make it through the day. The after school meetings were almost daily.  I felt I had been set up for failure.  I gave my resignation the next week.        

I worked for two more weeks and said good-bye to my teaching partners.

I have been processing things for the last couple of months.  I've wondered what the purpose was behind all of these weird events.  I have felt sad, and in some ways have grieved over this loss of dream.  When I found out they were building a school by our house, I was thrilled and began dreaming of teaching at the school my kids attend someday.  8 days after my hysterectomy I went for an interview.  I even had to have Mark drive me because I was restricted at that point.  I was determined to do my best.  Ultimately in the end, it did not work out.

To be honest, I have struggled with this feeling failure.  Why have I never been able to find the right fit for me as a teacher?  I have even questioned if I had missed my calling.  Did I make a mistake becoming a teacher? Should I ever teach again?  I feel let down and disappointed.  And I know that it is life, but I really wanted it to work out.  It seemed so perfect.  Perhaps too perfect.

I got extremely sick one week after I quit my job.  So sick.  I coughed and coughed and ran a fever.  In the end the doctor said it was just a virus.  I was sick for about a month.  I think my immune system was so run down from the stress of surgery and then the stress of the job.

Life has continued as life does.  I have picked myself up and have continued onward.  Honestly, I have struggled a lot with the events of the last six months.  Mark went back to work the road (traveling to Pasco and back) with BNSF, and I went back to VIPKID working early early in the mornings to pay for the girls school.  It's tough, but it is the only thing I can do with Mark's insane work schedule.  It has been difficult for me to not feel guilty about Mark working the road and all the crazy hours.  I keep thinking, "If I hadn't quit, if I had worked harder, if I had made it work, then he wouldn't have to work crazy hours." Its an ongoing internal battle that I face each day.

Mark and I had the chance to get away for two days late October.  Despite me having little voice, and coughing we had a great time.  

I've had some fun selling some earrings, and just recently launched my own website!  Dahlhouse Design.   Click the link to check it out.  Some fun accessories.  Definitely a work in progress.  But proud I am doing it.  

All in all I am happy to be home with my little people; even though I have been struggling with my skeletons that are in my closet.  I am working on making time for me, which can be really difficult amongst littles that need me.  But self care is so so important.  So here I am working through the messy difficult parts of life.  Navigating mommy hood without a manual or guide.  

Below are a few more photos of the last three months.  Life continues on and so must we.

VIPKID Teaching Work From Home Update (6 months Later)

You guys...I am just a few days away from my six month anniversary at VIPKID!  What an incredible six months it has been!  I thought I would give you all a little update about my first months at VIPKID. 

First off...I was hired in the middle of January, which is quite possibly the worst time for beginning to teach at VIPKID due to the start of Chinese New Year.  It was a very slow start.  Although, because I was very part time, it didn't bother me.  In January I taught a total of six classes. LOL.  February I moved along and taught 35 classes.  That was just enough to hit the first bonus of an extra .50 cents a class.  I was thrilled.  The following month I taught 63 classes and in April 73 classes.  In the month of May I taught 96 classes!  This was a major victory for me!  I am so happy to have found something that I can do entirely at home, and mainly while my kids are sleeping.  My job takes little time away from my babies, and I have little to no stress associated with my position.  I work the days and the hours I decide.  Yes, there is a sacrifice because I get up early a few days a week.  But, I have come to love the quietness of those early hours, and enjoy my time that I spend getting a glimpse into China.  It always amazes me to hear the honking of cars in China, seeing the sun set while the sun here is rising. 

VIPKID is really a fun place to work.  They have all sorts of incentives, contests, bonuses and they truly care about the people who work for them.  I have had fun digging out my teaching materials to see what I can use to teach my Chinese students.  I have built up a small clientele of students who regularly see me, and even a couple of students who exclusively see me.

Technology is amazing.  This is a view from my app on my phone.  It is wonderful to be able to look at my schedule and classes from my iPhone. 

My desk will typically look like this after my morning classes.  We have fun, sing songs, practice words, play games.  Lots of props and high energy is needed.

Recently, I moved my desk and set up downstairs.  With the kids' doors closed and their white noise machines on they cannot hear me teaching downstairs.  It has made my life a lot easier to be out of our walk in closet.  I can finally breathe!  This is a picture of my new set up.  VIPKID has brought me a lot of joy and given me my love for teaching back.  I always tell people I NEVER would have imagined myself working for an online company.  VIPKID is totally legit.  I've been paid every month on time, and I enjoy teaching my special little ones on the other side of the word.  It is only one computer trip away. 

If you would like more information on how you can become a VIPKID teacher please feel free to contact me @ misscarissa@hotmail.com   I would love to share more with you.  If you apply you can use one of the below codes or link.  They both work.  This is not a multilevel marketing company, however, if you are hired, I get a little monetary bonus.  I just signed my second contract and look forward to another six months with this awesome company!

VIPKID WEBSITE

copy and paste into sign up page:

referral link:      https://t.vipkidteachers.com/?refereeId=3266666referral code: 01Y0KQ 

Work From Home Job...VIPKID Teaching Chinese Students Online

In January, I began a new adventure!  Never in a million years did I think that I would work for an online company.  But in an effort to have an open mind, I decided to apply for VIPKID after thinking about it for several months.  I interviewed, and had my mock lesson interview and was hired all online!  VIPKID is a company that matches American teachers with Chinese students for one-to-one tutoring.  It is done completely online!  I filled out all my paperwork, provided tax documents, teaching license and diploma.  After working for VIPKID for two months, I am happy to report I absolutely LOVE it, and I have been paid on time each month!

The Chinese students are amazing!!!  I love getting a small glimpse into their lives all the way around the world in Beijing, China.  All VIPKID teachers wear orange shirts.  It is kind of our uniform and an easy way for the students to identify us.  I have been able to get some of my teaching things out of storage and use them again.  I use A LOT of props in my teaching...puppets, bubbles, foam letters, flashcards, plastic fruit and veggies, board books, posters, white boards, finger puppets, toy vehicles...well...you get the idea.  I began with my virtual classroom set up down stairs, but due to times I was teaching and the longing for a permanent place, I moved into our closet and set up my classroom!

Here is the view you have when walking through the door of our closet.  Usually the computer is on the center of the desk, but I am having to move it up and down the stairs a couple of times a week.  Hopefully I will be able to get a laptop soon so I don't have to move the PC.  My "classroom" was decorated for Valentine's day, but if you glimpsed in today it is decorated for St. Patty's day.

Bella  LOVES all the teacher stuff I have out.  I occasionally will find her in my "office" with her teaching away to imaginary students.  She also likes to leave me notes!

This is my view from my desk when I sit down to teach.  Lots of props around and you can get a glimpse of what the program looks like.  The student will eventually appear in the top box and I will be in the bottom box.  The curriculum is off to the left and is in a PowerPoint format; however, the screen is able to be written on.  Pretty amazing.  In my two months with VIPKID, I have been VERY impressed with the job and opportunity.  If you would like to work for this great company you can apply at VIPKID WEBSITE.  Also you can tell them I sent you by using my referral code if you would like.  MY CODE  https://t.vipkid.com.cn/?refereeId=3266666

This opportunity has been really great for me.  I teach mainly when my kids are in bed for the evening and a couple early mornings.  It's giving me a chance to contribute.  In January, I only taught 6 classes, but in February I taught 31 classes.  I am aiming for 45 classes this month.  As you gain new students, your schedule begins to fill.  You set your own hours...no minimum hours either.  You do need a bachelor's degree and some experience working with children.  A teaching license is helpful but not necessary.  If you have any questions I would be more than happy to answer them.  Just send along an email and I will get back to you!