Jumping Through Hoops...More Waiting...No License Yet...

I've been waiting for the day I can post "We have our foster license".  But...today is not that day.

It's been three months since this journey started.  Three long months of doing so many different things (paperwork, classes, training, inspections, more inspections, interviews, doctors appointments..etc.).

 I thought we had reached the end of the journey...but as an email would surface today we have yet more hoops to jump through.  More things need to be completed.

I felt extremely discouraged this morning.  I just keep feeling like they are going to keep coming up with more and more and more things they want and need.

What is even more frustrating is that we were foster parents for nearly 10 years and they are putting us under the microscope now (even though they have a huge file on us from our history with the state).  I feel like we developed good relationships with the state and the social workers.  It is just weird to have to start completely over from scratch again.  I don't understand.  We just want to help.

So on Thursday, I will once again welcome CPS into our home (doing another full house clean) so they can continue the interview (for the third time).  I guess they have to have all of my children's opinions on how they feel about foster care.

So much has changed in the last 10 years since we were first licensed.  It took two and half months 10 years ago with all the training.  I am trying to remember we are almost there, but each time I think we are done, or they tell me we are done, they come back with "just one more thing."  I'm so frustrated today.  Encouragement welcome!

He Will See

Every three months Luke has an eye appointment at CASEY EYE OHSU in Portland.  For the last four years, like clock work we take him.  They check his vision, eye pressures and optic nerves.

At times they have often thrown in a specialized test or two, or three to look at all possible causes for Luke's childhood onset glaucoma.  (Remembering the detailed retina testing).

This past Tuesday, was another one of our appointment days at CASEY.  It is nerve wracking.  I always wonder what news we are going to be given.  Too many times we have sat in chairs receiving news that we didn't expect to hear.  Too many diagnosis' to process.

The doctor said Luke looked good.  So good in fact that if his next round of visual fields are good they are going to back off the appointments.  We will get six months between appointments instead of three. She said she would no longer worry about Luke.  Luke's eyes will never be "normal", but the doctor is considering the possibility that Luke's optic nerves are perhaps genetically abnormal, instead of something causing them to abnormal.  Which means whatever sight he lost has been that way since birth.  And she won't expect his condition to cause more sight loss.  A MIRACLE!

Luke will SEE.  He has less of a chance of losing anymore vision with the new information coming from the doctor.  Where as years ago we struggled with thoughts about if Luke would go blind, we are now allowing ourselves to imagine a future where Luke is NOT visually impaired.

Just last week I held Luke as he sobbed, "Mom, I wish God made me different.  Why did he make me with glaucoma? You don't know what it is like to lose your vision."  It is so true...I don't have a clue what it is like, but I know God doesn't make mistakes, and HE made Luke absolutely perfect.  I just happen to have a front row seat to watch a MIRACLE being performed in the life of my son!

Still Waiting...

It is difficult to describe the anticipation I feel inside.  When I've tried talking to Mark about what I feel, I can't adequately put the feeling into words.  We've been pursuing our foster license since October 23, 2013.  We aren't waiting for a specific child (like we were with Luke), but planning to start off by providing respite care.  But deep within me, I know that there is a specific reason we are walking this path...only I can't look you in the eye and tell you what that reason is, who it is for, or what God has planned.  I can only tell you...I am walking this path in faith for something in the future.  There is a specific reason why we are being called back...we are just waiting in anticipation for whatever it is.

There is reason we have laid our lives as an open book before the Division of Children and Family Services, a reason we have allowed our lives to go under a microscope, our pasts to be laid out on multiple pieces of paper, our financial documents, our background checks, our fingerprints, our cooperation with rules not designed by us.  There is a reason Mark and I have been through two hour interviews exploring all of our family pasts, relationships and children.  We have allowed our children to be interviewed...giving them a chance to describe what foster care means to them.  We have welcomed social workers into our home to deem our home "acceptable", allowed to look and evaluate our space, kids rooms, medical boxes, firearms etc.

It is an act of simple obedience to the call we feel we have on our lives.  Believe me...it isn't glamorous, it isn't an act of sainthood, it isn't even convenient or easy, but it is a road we feel compelled to go down.  I tried ignoring the calling for awhile, but there it was...starring at me.  I am not done with you yet.  That is the phrase that lingers in the place between awake and sleep.  A promise of fulfillment of a purpose.  One foot in front of another starting a new journey.

We are still working toward our license and it is approaching the 3 month mark.  We found out today we need to have another home inspection to recheck a couple of items.  Mainly we found out at our last home study/first inspection that we can actually be licensed for 2 foster children in our home.  This was different than what I thought.  I thought we could only have one more based on the size of our home.  However; we thought that for the purposes of respite care it might be helpful to be licensed for 2 kids.  One 0-5 year old and one child under 2 years.  So, even though we have an additional bed (the bunk that fits over Luke's bed) they have to see it all set up with a mattress and bedding...which I understand, but it is another hoop to jump through.  Now to find a twin mattress....I just want to have the piece of paper in my hands that says we are licensed...that we have completed this process.  It will come but in the meantime I am waiting...

I miss being home with my kids...this winter break has made me realize how quickly I can jump back into the role of mom.  I miss the simplicity of just worrying about them and the house.  My heart truly is at home.  I struggle daily with working a job.  I enjoy the interaction, but not all of the stress that comes with work.  This has been true no matter what job I have worked.  I continually struggle with the guilt of not meeting their needs.  My children needing more of me than I can give.  I wish there was a way.

I've been thinking about all the other commitments in my life an trying to figure which are really the most important.  I know I am going to blink and this time with my children will be gone.  I am so afraid I am doing everything wrong, when I desire to do do it all right (if there is such a thing).

Why does life have to be difficult sometimes?

 I know what I want...I just don't know how to get there.

 These are the moments I wish my dad was here to talk to.  He was always so creative with solutions.  I had a VERY difficult Christmas season without him this year.  Our 10th Christmas without him.  I would walk into the mall and cry...pass by Starbucks and cry...hear a song on the radio and cry.  I had several big ugly cries about him not being here this Christmas.  Just a really difficult season.

I can still see him dancing with my mom on Christmas Eve in our living room on 121st Avenue to Kenny G.  The fireplace lit and the smell of dinner still lingering in the air.  Dad sipping his 8th cup of coffee for the day and mom washing dishes, David playing video games (I guess some things never change :)  I thought a lot about Christmas' past while I was so sick this Christmas.  What good memories...what good times.  I would like to think he would be proud of the woman I have become.

He would have loved his grandkids...he would have cherished them (the way he did with David and I). I think that is the one thing I really struggle with him being gone...my kids.

 

So as 2013 draws to an close, I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life.  So many things to fill gratitude for.  I end this year waiting...in anticipation for what is to come.

When Life Doesn't Happen The Way You Planned

It is the day after Christmas, and I am typing from my bed where I have currently been for the last two days.  I can hear the kids playing, video games blaring, happy sounds from sisters... I'm sure who are doing things they shouldn't.  But I haven't the strength to get out of bed right now and check.  The last two days I've been sick, Mark's been sick and Bella's been sick.  Stomach virus! Of course Bella is as good as new right now.  Mark and I are another story.  Nothing quite like both parents being out of commission.  It's the worst of circumstances and has only happened one other time in our parenting history.

Yesterday was Christmas...yesterday was supposed to be wonderful, happy, full of family, good food and yummy sweets. Luke had even picked out a beautiful center piece for our Christmas table. Yesterday didn't go as planned.  My big wonderful Christmas consisted of crackers, Gatorade and sleeping on the girls' floor next to my three year old with a yellow bowl beside her bed.  No family came, no Christmas clothes worn (no one changed out of pj's all day), no big meal cooked.  The one constant...there were presents, but not celebrated in the traditional way.  I cried a lot yesterday...from the disappointment, from the sickness, from the let down.  It was not the way I had envisioned Christmas.  

I felt sad that our families, who were supposed to come over, were left without a Christmas meal or plans of being with family.  The whole day just felt unreal.  I have never have been sick on Christmas...EVER...until yesterday.

I am blessed that we celebrated with my Mom and Roger on Christmas Eve.  I'm so glad we had a wonderful sick free time.  This year has been extremely brutal for sickness in our home.  It began the middle of August and has not let up.  I have tried to figure out why all this sickness, why everyone has been so sick this year...more sick than any other year.  We've had ear infections, croup (X 3 rounds), bronchitis, walking pneumonia, sinus infections, 2 trips to the ER, more ear infections, stomach flu (X 3 rounds), strep throat (2 of us), more sinus infections, trips to urgent care on Sat and Sun, and what we thought was a kidney stone (again) but feeling blessed it was just a pulled muscle and the CT showed all clear.  I'm exhausted!  We even had sickness on our vacation in Maui (a round of croup for Bella and a stomach bug for Grace).  I keep holding onto faith that we are going to get better, but all we can manage is 1 week of sickness free before someone comes down with something again.

I've changed sheets, toothbrushes, used disposable cups, napkins, plates, silverware, washed, bleached etc.  I'm so tired and worn down with all the worry/anxiety regarding all this sickness.  This is not like our family.

I tried to make the best of yesterday...I really did try.  The kids opened more presents, ate and watched movies.  They seemed happy, but every once in awhile made a comment about where everyone was and when we were having Christmas dinner.

Life is complex.  It doesn't always happen how you plan.  It's difficult for me to believe that Christmas is now over and it didn't happen the way I planned.  I have to accept the fact that this year, for whatever reasons, was meant to be this way.

Just praying Mark and I make a full recovery soon...or the kids will end up running the household.

Merry Christmas the Day After....
The Dahl Family

Foster License Updates!

 We are nearing the end of the foster care licensing process...hopefully.  As always there are unexpected things that pop up even if you think you have covered it all, checked and double checked.  One such unexpected thing was that we needed to show proof that we have had a tdap shot (the whooping cough one).  Fortunately we had both already received it and our children have received the dtap (same thing but just for kiddos).  Another quick trip to the doctor's office...it's been three trips so far (but who is counting)...and bam!  Proof of immunization for both of us.  A quick photocopy for our records and now to submit to our licensor.  

A lesson you learn early on as a "newbie" as foster parents is to be flexible and that things change...that being said we do have one "concrete" fact that we can count on.  Who ever comes through our door into our home will be a BOY.  We can count on that!  It is not that we are playing favorites or trying to "even" out our ratio of boys to girls in the house.  It is strictly a licensing issue.  Due to our square footage and the rule that a child over the age of 6 years has to share a room with the child of the same gender.  Luke is the one with space in his room...so BOY it is!

We are planning to be licensed for a boy ages 0-3 years.  We are open to whatever avenue God would direct our hearts.  Our hearts are OPEN.  Mark and I have done a lot of talking and we are certain we are going to start out this journey doing respite care for other foster parents.  It's been many years since we have fostered and we want to get our feet wet so to speak.  Right now we are just enjoying the journey.  Waiting...waiting...waiting.  Waiting for fingerprints to return, background checks to come back, licensing scheduling to open up.

While we are waiting we are preparing our home for the inspection.  The various items we need for licensing are being brought down from the attic, cleaned and set up.  I need to purchase a crib mattress this week (as you must have proof of a bed for the child(ren) you are being licensed for).  Most all of my many totes of clothes in the attic are all girl, but I did save a few things from Luke.  I handed down most of his clothing to friends.  So there are maybe a couple things I want to get.  

I found out this weekend that I will have to replace the crib before we are licensed.  I bought our white crib in 2008 and it has drop sides and that is a big no-no now.  So we will are living on faith that God will provide the money for a new crib in the month of December. It is one piece of furniture that we must have in order to be licensed.  Honestly though...I'm not worried.  I know we will get the crib we need and I am excited to see how God might move to meet this new need.

UPDATE:  Mark and I have been cleared by FBI fingerprinting and background checks.  The last thing we have to do is our interviews and home inspection.  It has been mentioned that we will have our license by the end of the month!  So much work for one piece of paper!  

*Prayer for Bella if you have the chance.  Fever, cough, runny nose, bright pink cheeks and eye goop.  Sad, sad baby girl :(

Xbox 360

~"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  All we can do is learn to swim."~Vicki Harrison

This little boy, this delight to my heart, his JOY that overflows from within, inspires me daily.  Yes, he can frustrate me daily, but oh the triumph, the testimony of his little life!  How great is our God!!!  HE spared Luke's life as a tiny babe.  HE brought Luke to us forming a relationship with wonderful friends, bridging two families forever together!

Last week Luke asked Mark and I for an Xbox 360.  He had come up with this whole elaborate plan of selling our Wii for $500 dollars and buying an Xbox for $200 and keeping the other $300 dollars.  Mark and I laughed and smiled.  Our little entrepreneur.  When I questioned him about why, he simply stated he had played one before and he really likes the controller.  He tried to persuade me that the Xbox 360 would get played with so much more than the Wii and the Nintendo 64 (yes we still have one of those). How cute is that?  His mind is always thinking...ALWAYS!  

Bella and I found ourselves at the mall this afternoon.  I don't know if it was the Christmas decor, the busy hum of the mall, the smell of Starbucks coffee or what it was that triggered such strong emotions in me.  But I found myself in the middle of the upper level of the mall sobbing, wondering where my dad was?  10 years gone and I still find myself thinking I see him in a crowd of people.  My dad LOVED, LOVED Christmas and shopping and blessing others.  My heart grieves still now that he hasn't met Luke or Grace or Bella.  I feel like my kids have been cheated and it breaks my heart.  My dad would have been an amazing grandpa to them.  

So after I stopped blubbering into my sleeve in the middle of the mall, I went into Game Stop to ask the employees all about this Xbox 360.  To be honest, I had two employees actually laughing at one of my ridiculous questions.  Growing up, my dad loved new technology and we always had a computer and the latest gaming system and whatever new cell phone had come out.  Remember the brick cell phone? Yes we had one!  I can remember him waiting in line for hours to purchase the greatest new gaming system that came out.  We had a Nintendo the first year it was out as well as all the ones that followed.  I can't help but think if my dad was here, he would be out hunting for the best deal on an XBox 360 for his grandson who requested one.  My dad would have loved that...

So as an extension of my dad, I am trying to fill in that gap.  I called the "expert" today...a.k.a. Uncle D, my bro.  He has the love of new technology just like Dad.  He had some great advice.  So I am going to work on making a 10 year old boys' wish come true this Christmas because I know that my Dad would have.   

Christmas time is a difficult time for those that have lost loved ones.  Certain times of year, smells, weather, season of year, sounds can trigger memories and grief.  I know that during the holiday season I struggle a lot more with my grief surrounding my dad's death.  Grief really truly does come in waves and can often catch you off guard.  If you know of someone that has lost a loved one, an encouraging word can go a long way.  Just having someone acknowledge your grief/loss speaks so much to that person.  I always appreciate anyone that acknowledges the loss of my dad or has a kind word to say about him.  It is reassuring to me that he lives on in the hearts of those that cared about him.

Chasing Paper to Love Without Limits

It's been awhile...ok a long while. :)  And while I have not written about our life lately, it has been speeding by at a force so great I can barely hang on.  There have been school events, work events, church events, new business opportunities, a vacation, fall activities and Halloween to name a few. And of course many pictures to document above events.  But...what is really on my heart, what I want to write about tonight, is my thoughts about being a foster mom.

Ten years ago, all the extra bedrooms in our home were empty.  There were no little ones running underfoot, no toothless grins, highchairs or sippy cups.  No babies rolling around on the floor, or even the promise of a baby-to-be.  Ten years ago I had 2 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages under my belt.  The whole world was pregnant (or so it seemed), and I was left empty, barren and longing desperately to be a mommy.

Ten years ago, the world of foster care entered our life.  I was introduced to the Department of Children and Family Services.  We jumped through every hoop and were licensed in March and Luke came to live with us in April.  We remained foster parents until March 2013, at which point we let our license expire.  We did not renew it (like we had done every three years in the past).  We thought we were finished with the great big world of foster care.

And then it began....it began in the summer, as little whispers into my soul.  A situation, or a person or an article would catch me off guard.  A child in a waiting room at therapy, a foster care friend, just little things...just whispers that said "I'm not done with you yet."  I pushed the thoughts away, as having let our license expire would require a GREAT amount of work to become re-licensed.  The whispers became louder, and FINALLY I surrendered. So....last month we began chasing paper.

And.we.are.still.chasing.paper!!! If you have ever wondered "What is it like to become a foster parent?your life goes under a microscope.  Applications, personal questions, marriage certificates, kids immunization records, training, training and more training.  First aid and CPR classes.  Medical check ups, and TB tests, fire escape plans, daycare plans, policy agreements, background checks and finger prints, reference letters and interviews finally followed by a home inspection.

After being a foster parent for nearly ten years, I know what we are signing up for.  I.REALLY.DO.  I am signing up to feel HURT, PAIN and INJUSTICE.  I am signing up to FIGHT, ADVOCATE and LOVE.  I am CHOOSING to love without limits and attach to little people without the promise of forever or even just tomorrow. 

Today I walked into the Division of Children and Family Services for the first time in over a year.  It is like time has stood still in the building.  Same chairs, same mural on the wall, same visitation rooms.  I took Bella to the restroom and when we walked out we past a visitation room (not in use) so she saw the toys and such.  "I want to play in there mama."  To which I quietly replied, "no Bella B, you really don't."  Luke said good-bye to his birth parents in a visitation room down that hallway.  I remember listening to Grace scream at 13 months old, when she had one of her visits in a room down the hall.  Many of our foster children played in the various visitation rooms down the hall.

I thought a lot about not sharing this journey until it was complete, but I don't want to live in fear.  I struggle with what people think of me.  I need to be free of those thoughts.  I realize that you can look at our life and think wow...they already have a lot going...why would they choose to do that?  And I get it...I really do! But sometimes God calls us to things even though they don't make conventional sense.  I read a quote this week that said, "God doesn't call us to be READY, He calls us to FOLLOW HIM."  So it may look really messy, I don't have all the answers, and I understand it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't matter.  This is just ME following HIM.  I never want to get to a place in my life where I don't allow room for HIM to move, for HIM to speak, for HIM to challenge me to greater things.  I don't want to live a life where I put limitations on God.  So....here I go...walking back hand-in-hand with Mark to the trenches of a hurting, dark world.  Choosing to go, choosing to love, choosing to FOLLOW HIM.

So if you are so inclined...I invite you to follow us back to the world of foster care on a new journey as we have FAITH to touch the lives of children of Clark County.  I am ALWAYS amazed at the mountains God moves, and I love watching HIM perform miracles in the hearts of many.  I won't lie...it is a BROKEN system, with flaws and unfairness and injustice.  BUT, I have living testimonies of my two sleeping miracles that came through the system and were redeemed from orphans to son and daughter, I have FAITH in an almighty God for protection, favor and I am expecting to witness more miracles and mountains moved!

" Love is about risk.  If we can control it and manage it and manufacturer

 it, then it's something else, but if it's really LOVE, it's a little scary around the edges."  ~Shauna Niequist~