Adoption Mama: Delayed

Friday, August 31, 2012

Delayed

"Delayed"...the word is heavy on my heart as my mind tries to process the latest news regarding our 3rd little one. Even though I have existed in this "world" (special needs) since 2004, I feel as though I am in unfamiliar territory, almost a newbie again. True...the state of Washington recognizes me as a "special education teacher". Yes I am trained and capable to meet the educational, emotional and physical needs of special little people, but when I look at her it is with a "mama's" heart and not a "teacher's". I step out of the "driver's seat" so to speak, and into the "parent role". And.My.Heart.Breaks!

My Bella has ALWAYS had a very SPECIAL personality. From the minute she was born we have been EXTREMELY bonded. Perhaps it was the way she was created, perhaps I held on so much because I had waited so long to be pregnant and have a baby! Perhaps I held on so much because I felt that in some way she was a connection to my 3 babies that I miscarried. I would hold her as an infant and wonder if my others would have looked like her, if they would have smelled like her and made precious nosies like her. I held on so much that I really didn't share her with anyone else. I look back now and think I made a mistake holding on so much. She doesn't willingly even go to her Mimi and Papa or Grandma and Grandpa. And.it.breaks.my.heart! And theirs too. Forget strangers or saying hi to other adults and kids. She just buries her face in my shoulder or gives you the "stink eye."

I thought Miss B would outgrow it, but last month I began to notice some red flags. We navigated through all the right channels. Phone calls, screenings, and then evaluation. Final results....social delay, adaptive delay, sensory processing disorder. Her "team" feels that most all of the issues are interrelated with the sensory disorder. So Bella B will join her brother on the occupational therapy schedule. Although they will go to separate places. When she gets closer to 3, we will see if she will go to the special education preschool that Luke went too. Oh...goodness...the thought scares me.

My brain is trying to process all this information. What went wrong? Did I do something? Is there something I could have done? What now? My heart hurts for the fact she has had these delays and I haven't done anything about it. But now that I know, I feel like more "grace" is given to her and patience knowing that these are her set of "special needs."

I have cried A LOT of tears this week! Transitions are difficult for me too. I started back to work this week. It has been going well, but I am adjusting to a new schedule. And so is Bella. Then I was given the results of her eval, and the kids met their new teachers...well sort of (another story). Grace's new teacher was sick and not at the open house. It was not the best situation for a girl that is very anxious about going back to school. Nothing had been done to her classroom. I tried to highlight the positives, but there were boxes laying around every where in the classroom. Eeek. I was disappointed. So was she.

Despite the crazies in our life, we press onward, because really there is not much more to do. Move forward, walk one foot in front of the other. Somehow we will find our new "normal". We will address what needs to be addressed and make sure each little person here in the DAHL house has their needs met.

I must admit the task feels a bit daunting. Three kids, all special needs now. Who would have predicted that? I feel at times...am I capable of this? Little me...with a 7 special needs students and now 3 special needs kids. But...I trust that God will guide me, give me strength and patience. I know I am a mama to those kiddos for a reason, and a teacher to those students for a reason.