Week #37 & #38 @ The Dahlhouse

I am attempting to get "caught up" on our happenings at the Dahlhouse.  So I am squeezing a couple of weeks together.  Week #37 and #38 were filled with appointments.  Seriously how do we have so many appointments???? One week it was 8...yes 8 appointments...the other week it was 6!

Repurposing some older furniture for newer little people.  The white cubbies used to be Bella's with green and pink bins.  I bought new bins at IKEA and used my Cricut to cut out his name and the Batman symbol.  I was really happy with how it turned out and now it is holding toys and books!

When you have older sisters...enough said!

Decorating the front of the house for fall.  My favorite time of year.

Lots of VIPKID.

The smoky filled Gorge from the Eagle Creek fires.  Mark drove me up to see the Gorge (from the Washington side) after we had some rain.  The smoke was still very thick in the air. We were able to drive home the Oregon side after they had just reopened I-84.  There is a lot of loss, but there was still a lot of green.  It was good to see.

Man Cub "helping".

Computer work

TV watching

Teeth flossing

Someone got their braces off!!!!

Someone went to the dentist! (That someone HATES the dentist).

Noodles!

Some serious Wii playing going on.  I love that Matthew thinks he is playing.  I also LOVE that my olders include him in their play.

Baby in a box.

I had my mole mapping down at OHSU.  I was not prepared with how vulnerable I felt.  There were two female medical assistants with me. You stand completely naked in this booth with NINE different cameras pointing at you.  The TV screen takes you through how to pose your body into 7 individual poses so that photographs will capture all of your skin.  After it was finished, I paid the $150 dollars (insurance doesn't cover it) and then you wait for your photos to be downloaded onto a flash drive.  After it was all over, I cried.  Its the journey.  One foot in front of the other.

I did have these two people waiting for me when it was over.

The perfect end to a long week.

He's In The Waiting

Two weeks ago, I had my three month follow up appointment with my dermatologist.  It was a routine appointment where I would have another complete skin exam.  Since my surgery in May, I have not really thought too much about the cancer and my experience.  However, as I realized this appointment was getting closer, I began to be filled will fear.  The “what ifs” are paralyzing to me.  Having the melanoma on my shoulder allowed me to walk through the worst fear that I had (having cancer).  It’s not so much the having cancer, but the dying from cancer and leaving my children without a mother that is the root of my fear.  I’ve spent a lot of my life paralyzed with fear and anxiety.  A fear that really took root when my father died so quickly from cancer.  But in the last three years, I have really had a big break through and have been able to walk a new freedom.  

I wanted to postpone the appointment and deep down I just honestly did not want to go back the office and relive everything I have been through.  Seeing the doctor that made the “phone call” to tell me I had cancer, seeing the room where I had a huge chunk of my shoulder removed, and being faced with the prospect of the process starting all over again.  But, every time I looked at Matthew, I knew I would be walking into the doctor office to face my fears on Wednesday.  Catching skin cancer early, is the most preventable and simplest way to deal with it.  No matter the outcome it was time once again to face the music.

I really expected good news on Wednesday.  I built myself up, and sang on the way to the doctor’s office.  I expected that everything was going well and my scar was healing well.  However, I was not prepared for the dermatologist to remove three more suspicious spots on my body.  The most I have ever had removed at one time.  I lay on the table determined not to cry.  I left feeling defeated and with stitches in three different spots.  I felt right back in the same spot I had been in three months earlier….the waiting.  So.much.waiting.

If I could tell you about my 2017, I would tell you it has been the year of waiting.  It has been a difficult year.  I told Mark that I did not want to do this again.  I was tired.  So tired of waiting.  He told me that there must be something that we need to learn during this time.  I think daggers shot out of my eyes when he said that, after all... I was the one whose body resembled Swiss cheese.  However,  I was reminded of the song we sang Sunday at church “He’s in the waiting.”  Every day this week I have woken up singing that song. 

(This is what it looked like to be marked up for skin cancer surgery)

It seems I have been waiting for something since this year started: Matthew’s therapy and swallow study in March, Luke’s IEP, my first round of cancer and results, results from lab work, results from a mammogram I needed due to having cancer and my family history, I am still waiting on closure to car accident I had in 2015, and now waiting on results from these biopsies.  And yet…in it all…all the waiting…I know He is there with me, beside me, in front of me, behind me, a head of me.  He is in the waiting...even if it doesn't feel good or right or comfortable.

I began to really listen to the words of that song and there were a couple of things that I heard.  The first is that God is in control.  I know...I know...it sounds simple enough.  The first part of the song says “He’ll reveal what’s to come.”  This is a very difficult lesson for me because I want to be in control.  But with all this medical stuff I am reminded that I am not in control.  There was another time in life, when we were in the process of adopting Luke, that I knew God was in complete control and I was along for the ride.  There was literally NOTHING that we could do to make the pieces fit together.  It was all God.  The second part of the song that spoke to me was “Hold on to your hope, as your triumph unfolds.”  This particular phrase spoke to me in the midst of wondering if I am going to face cancer again, and how bad would it be, and would I die from it.  The song never talks about defeat, or losing.  And I thought..you know…that is right.  Even in death, it is a victory because of what Jesus did on the cross.  It is ALWAYS a triumph.  So even if I faced the absolute worst…it is still a triumph because he’s never failing.  “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
 

(The dark spot on my shoulder was the skin cancer.  I had no idea when we were in Hawaii in February.  But this is what it looked like...PSA...please get a skin exam.  It is no fun but they are painless...even if they remove things they numb you up.  Prevention/early detection is key.  We never think it is going to be us).

This summer has been a rather lonely one for me.  Mark’s work schedule is crazy and I often spent days at a time with just the kids.  Even now...now that school has begun and routines have been reestablished I find myself at times lonelier (if that is possible).  Don't get me wrong...I cherish  my time with Man Cub; however he isn't so great at carrying on a conversation.  I am in a place in life where I don’t have any of my titles I have I had in the past (teacher, foster parent, worship leader, mentor) and it’s been a difficult road to navigate at times.  There are times I feel invisible, and I wonder how I have arrived at this place.  I used to do so many things.  I am a highly educated woman with experience in many different areas, but in this season of life it is just "me" and my past it just that...past.  It’s a newer season for me, and sometimes difficult because I wonder if I have lost part of myself.

I find myself longing to travel (not even very far).  I wanted to see the Redwoods this summer.  In truth...when I found out I had cancer in May, I wanted nothing more than to drive to the Redwoods this summer and stand beneath the magical trees and listen to the quiet, and see if perhaps they might speak to me.  I wanted to feel small, and I wanted to soak in the wonder of the giants.  I wanted to hike part of the Pacific Crest trail (even a few steps)...not to recreate Wild but check something off my bucket list.  I never had a bucket list until I was face to face with the beast called cancer.  Even though my physical battle with cancer was short, the emotional battle continues on.  Louder at times and more pronounced and then quieter and further away. It lingers in the wings of my life.  It surrounds me...it is always close by.  I am reminded that my life is fragile and everything can shift  in a moment.  I never made it to the trees this summer...there are still some major wild fires burning in the area.  Maybe this fall...maybe...hopefully.

I had prepared myself for approx. a week wait for results from the three biopsies. I had come to realize that probably for the rest of my life, I will be going through this. I prayed for peace and decided this time I would fill my mind with positive thoughts.  I have realized worry won't change results.  So I of course decided to solve all the house problems and rearrange furniture, bedrooms and declutter the kids’ rooms.  LOL.  But I decided that no matter the results, I didn’t want to lose a week of my life which included things like the kids’ back to school night, first day of school and several appointments with my kids because I was paralyzed with fear.  He’s in the waiting! 

Much to my surprise I received and email update on my biopsies and all three came back benign with no evidence of cancer!  Apparently, because of my history they were able to put a rush order on them. and they were back in 48 hours.  What a great end to this week!  And so...the journey continues.  Life goes on... and next up is my referral to OHSU to have something called "Mole Mapping" done.  Now I believe mole mapping is referred to as "Spectra".  It is digital photography of your entire body to track the changes of moles.  Perhaps...fingers crossed...this will keep me from looking like Swiss cheeses every six months.  Here's hoping!!!

Take Courage

Slow down take time, breathe in He says He’ll reveal what’s to come

The thoughts in his mind, always higher than mine

He will reveal all that comes

So take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting

Hold on to your hope, as your triumph unfolds

He’s never failing, He’s never failing

Sing praise my soul, find strength in joy, let His words lead you on

Do not forget, His great faithfulness,

He’ll finish all he’s begun

And you who hold the stars, who call them each by name

Will surely your keep your promise to me

That I will rise in your victory

Week #24 & #25 @ The Dahlhouse

Weeks #24 and #25 were a blur of activities.  The beginning of week #24 had all the Dahl kids saying goodbye to their classmates as school came to an end.  The three of them each had an amazing year!  We are proud of the growth they all experienced and look forward to next year at Cornerstone. 

Blessings come in all shapes an sizes, and this one is no exception.  Bella has been so sad about leaving our big play structure behind when we moved in January 2016.  Many tears have been shed over that play structure (especially when we found out that the new home owners chopped it up and dragged it out).  It, however, was too large for our new backyard.  One of my friends, Kim, posted on Facebook that they were giving this structure away for free if we took it apart.  Thankfully Mark is very handy.  Bella is thrilled with the new play structure, and it is the perfect size for our little backyard.  I especially like the covered rooms underneath and up top. With all the rain we get in the Pacific Northwest, it still means Bella can venture outside in rain boots.  I am certain Matthew will be following her shortly as we have discovered he is an outside kind of guy.  Thank you Kim! 

The middle of the week, I took all four kiddos to Luke's Casey Eye Appointment.  It is always an adventure with my bunch!!!  Good news is Luke's eyes remain stable.  The doctor actually allowed me to view what his glaucoma looked liked.  I also got to compare his eye photographs from years past too.  It is very interesting.  We all rode the tram up the hill, viewed the fish in the tank, and watched Cars in the exam room while waiting.  Matthew was pretty good up until the doctor came in.  He decided to have a blow out!  I took him to the bathroom that resembled one you would find on an airplane (seriously people it is a children's hospital) and used 10,000 wipes on a kiddo that needed a serious bath.  I couldn't find the plastic bags and the only spare outfit I had was a one piece sleeveless number. It was 60 degrees outside. I was laughing in the bathroom...because what else can you do?  We all survived the traffic home.  Memories.

VIPKID continues to go very well for me.  I love working out of my closet.  I sometimes have to remind myself that this whole thing is REAL!  I have an online job where I teach the sweetest kids in Beijing, China.  I have even built up a steady clientele of regular students.  One thing is for sure...we have FUN! 

I continue to heal after my bout with skin cancer.  I have a nice scar that will be a reminder for the rest of my life.  I have decided though that the scar means I survived.  I will proudly wear it as a reminder that God has things in control.  I won't leave this earth one minute before I am supposed to.  At times my shoulder is tender, but I am able to do more thing with my right arm now. 

I am soaking up every moment I can of his babyhood.  I love that he still lets me rock him to sleep.  I cherish the time. 

We celebrated Father's Day even though I ended up sick and I was the one that took the nap.  LOL.  We are all so thankful for Mark and the wonderful father he is.  We love you babe.

Mark transitioned back to traveling with the trains.  It means we are all in a period of adjustment.  Some of us are doing better with the change than others.  This first week back was rough (not.going.to.lie.)!  I have declared Monday's library day.  I finally found our adorable little library in Battle Ground.  The kids love to go and pick out books.  I am teaching Luke and Grace how to use the Library catalog, and how to search and put books on hold that they want to read.  I think they are getting the hang of it.

Still searching for the perfect laptop.   Suggestions?

Longest day of the year.  This is the view from Matthew's bedroom at 9:30pm. 

This boy LOVES outside!

Our newest rabbit addition...Pixie!

And finally...our favorite photographer took my kiddos 4th of July pictures!  We love you Brienne!  You are amazing.

A sneak peak!