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Monday, July 14, 2014

Appointment Reminder

Tomorrow Luke has a Casey Eye Appointment at OHSU.  It's time for the three month check.  He will also have a visual field test again (since he didn't score very well on the last one).  Usually I am ok the night before the appointments, but I am nervous.  Mainly because whatever the outcome of the testing tomorrow whether joy or frustration I will face alone.  Mark is usually the one who goes with Luke to all the appointments.  They have their special "guy time".  This works out well for me because I have had a difficult time in the past going to these appointments.  If I am to be transparent, I will share with my readers that I have an anxiety disorder.  I am not proud of this fact, nor do I like to dwell on it either.  For the most part I try really, really hard not to let my anxiety limit or control my life.  It is a challenge at times.

You see, the last time I took Luke to a Casey Eye appointment alone...I had a full blown, can't breathe, think I am going to pass out, heart racing panic attack.  I'm a fighter so I fought through it, but it scared me (like all my panic attacks do) and Mark started going to all the appointments after my panic attack.  I should also add that Luke's doctor's office is a complete copy of the high risk OB/GYN that I visited for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy with Bella.  They are located one floor above Casey Eye.  The waiting rooms, layout, flooring, etc are completely identical.  It's a trigger that causes me to remember those first three ultrasounds where I made the long trek from Vancouver to wait on pins and needles to see if my baby was alive or dead.  A little PTSD is going on for me I think.  So many times Mark is my safety net, and tomorrow he will not be there.  If you think of me tomorrow between noon and three pm. could you say a little prayer for me?  I would appreciate it...and one for Luke too?  It's no fun to have eyes dilated for a procedure, multiple eye drops, pressures checked on your eyes, and then have multiple doctors check you out, because...1) it is a teaching hospital and 2) Luke's type of glaucoma is so rare that everyone wants a peek.  Sometimes it's just not fun! 

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