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Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Island

It was once prophesied over me that my life would resemble an Island. I was 18 years old at the time and I thought nope, not me. But today, how true that word from the Lord really was. My life does resemble an island. I am often alone. It has been difficult for me to shake this feeling of being alone. Yet, it is at times that I feel that God has called me to be "alone". I can remember as a young girl wanting desperately to "fit in" and to be "popular". It never came to be. Always different, always on the outside. I was blessed to have a few great friends, but not the kinds of friends and relationships that my brother has. He on the other hand is the embodiment of popularity. What can I say? He has the gift:)

After all these years, I think I would be a little more comfortable being "alone". But, it seems I spend much of my free time wishing it to be different. The path carved out for me is different. I don't fit the mold. I don't even think I have seen the mold. I never imagined that my life would look the way it does. I have spent the greater part of this last year fighting against what I know to be true. I have tried to convince myself and God otherwise that my destiny is different. If there is one thing I have learned in my nearly 30 years, it is that it is imperative to do God's will at all costs. And believe me, it always does cost you something. In my case it is costing me loneliness. I know a handful of souls who can relate to my life. That understand the bitter sting of infertility and the gut wrenching road of adoption. To love and lose and to love and gain. Few know that realities of working with special needs children and their families, and even fewer understand the world of foster care. And what it feels like to have your life forever altered by a child that is with you for a brief moment.

It is as if this last year, I have abandoned everything that God had laid out, that I have forgotten my faith and what a GREAT BIG GOD He truly is. That He is the beginning and the end, He is the creator of the universe, the author of life and the giver of all good things. And nothing, nothing is impossible with God. Yet, me. Me of little faith questioning my great big God. Why? Because I am human. I am fallible. My faith is weak and I do not want to be alone. I am pretty pathetic.

I can't escape any longer. I can't hide. I can't be a coward. I have to step forward and lead even though it is a lonely place. It is a place of pain and frustration at times but also one of great joy and fulfillment. I am excited to see what God will do. I know that He is faithful. And that He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it.

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