September 29, 2002

Zachary Ryan was born too soon 6 years ago today at 11 weeks, 3 days. I was looking beyond the trees outside during our recess and I could see the tops of Southwest Washington Medical Center. It is a date that marks many things to which I measure myself. It began my infertility. It awoke in me a strong desire to be a mother. It left me a complete mess. I grieved so hard for losing a baby. I was entered into a world that now included the term "miscarriage". I also began documenting my experiences becoming a mother. Little did I realize how long I would be documenting.

(Luke only one day old)

What I didn't know then what I know now, is Luke is the same age that Zachary would be. Zachary was due April 10, 2003. Luke was born March 22, 2003. Every time I look at Luke I am comforted by the thought that sometimes the Lord truly does give and take away.

September 29, 2003

Lucy was born too soon 5 years ago today at 6 weeks 6 days. I am fortunate to have one photograph of her that a sweet ultrasound tech gave to me years later, when I finally had enough courage to ask. Mark and I were packing for our trip to Hawaii (paid in full with cash, by the way) when I began to cramp and spot. I had an appointment for an ultrasound so that we could go on our trip with no worries. Well, the ultrasound reveled that the baby had stopped developing and was dead. Dr. Bishop saw me and gave me the run down on why miscarriages happen. Not new information to me. He told Mark and I that he did not want me flying anywhere until the baby had passed or I underwent the d&c. Either option grounded me passed when were going to fly out. Trip to Hawaii off. After a year of trying to conceive, all of my efforts were in vain (or so I thought). No baby. Great. Little did I know that God, the master of all plans was already at work. My dad was sick. Very sick. In fact he would live only a month more in the year of 2003. There also was a little boy named Luke that was 6 months old that would soon become a piece of my soul.

(Luke in Nov. 2003 after my dad died)

When I think about Lucy, I think about the camping trip Mark and I took when we knew that I was pregnant. We spent hours by the camp fire dreaming about our baby. I think about how difficult and how hard I tried to finally achieve pregnancy only to be disappointed. I think about the clomid I took to ovulate the vein sticks I had when my blood was drawn repeatedly, the phone calls, nerves and cycle disappointments. I realize that I never really grieved solely for Lucy because my brain never had a chance to process the information because my dad was so sick and died so shortly after. The two losses are in a way tied together in my mind and when I grieve for one I grieve for both.



Psalm 139: "your eyes saw my unformed body"

This is How I Spent My Weekend

I knew it was bound to happen but I didn't think so soon. I got sick, really sick. I came down with it on Friday evening. Then I ended up in urgent care Saturday, and spent the rest of the day feeling like I was going to die. I told my mom I hadn't been this sick in years. I ended up with the worst sore throat ever, like I couldn't even swallow. My nose and my ears, plugged up. Then Saturday afternoon I was running to the bathroom every couple of minutes with a stomach bug. I don't know if I have had two different things, but it was horrible. I was prescribed Augmentin and it has made a difference right away. My stomach is better, but I am still queasy at times. It is so difficult to parent when you are so sick. My kids basically ran the house yesterday when daddy was at work.

The Toyota is OURS!!!!!!!

We are very excited to report that the 2005 Toyota Corolla is officially OURS!!! We paid it off around the first of September and the title arrived last week. I can't believe that we did it. It is the first big step in getting out of debt and such a confidence booster. We now have all the titles to our vehicles including the motorbikes and quad except for the van. We are now making double payments on the van so it shouldn't be too much longer. Yeah for paying off debt!!!!!

Luke's Whisper Wish

I will never forget the day (about six months ago) when Luke and I were laying on his bunk bed before he went to sleep, and we would play a game where I would whisper in his ear and then he would whisper back. So I whispered, "Luke, I love you." And without missing a beat Luke whispered back, "I want dad to buy me a quad." I thought for sure he would say, "I love you too," but alas, he is a boy after his dad's heart. So about six months later Luke got his "whisper wish." If some of you don't know black is Luke's favorite color. So, he is very, very happy with his new black quad. Now all I hear about is wanting riding boots. It is never going to end is it?

September 11

It is difficult to believe that 9.11 was seven years ago. I have been reflecting on what I was doing that day. My dad and I spent the day together. I was at my parents house and my dad and watched TV all day sitting in the blue reclining chairs. I remember watching the footage for the first time and thinking it had to be fake because it was so horrific. I had started a practicum placement in the 3rd grade and it was interesting to see how the teachers handled it and how the dynamics of the classroom changed after 9.11. It was also interesting that for the month following 9.11 they had a moment of silence at the beginning of the day over the P.A. system. The silence was deafening following the weeks of 9.11 with no air traffic. I was working at Knowledge Beginnings and you could see the flight traffic flying in and out of PDX. There was nothing for weeks. I loved how everyone was more friendly to each other and everyone showed pride in our country. Flags adorned most houses and people were kind to each other. It was a moment that I wished could have lasted forever, but alas, we have returned to our selfish, ignorant ways. I find it mostly disheartening that we have to have days like today to remind us of times that our country pulled together and stood together as one. It should be like that all the time, not just when horrific things happen.

The First Days...

Well, the first days have come and gone and what a really stressful time this has been. It hasn't been an easy transition. Of course most of you all know that I have been working. I mainly worked this year to pay off our bills.

Luke's first few days of kindergarten got off to a rocky start. The work has been challenging for him and he has often asked for Miss Kristan from his preschool class. I thought about moving him to public school or keeping him home, but after much thought and talking with Mark we decided to leave him for now to see how he does. He has had some better days so hopefully he will adjust to a new routine. Next year I plan on schooling him as he will not be ready for full days of school yet. Sometimes it is very difficult to make the important decisions for your kids.

(Luke's first day of school pose)

Kindergarten 9-2-08

Luke in his Kindergarten class the first day.

Grace loves school! We have had her signed up for three days a week but we have moved her down to two. Three days was a little much for me. She loves her school and friends. Although she has yet to tell me about her teacher.

Grace's First day of Preschool 9-3-08

My first day of school was great. Right now I have 7 kiddos in the am class and 7 kiddos in the pm class. They are all great kids and I enjoy having them. It is nothing like the last experience. Anyway I am enjoying things, but of course I miss my kids terribly.

My desk and area on the first day of kids for me

9-4-08