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Friday, March 22, 2013

Saying Goodbye

 On Thursday I will say goodbye....

I will hug each one of my students that understand what hug means and say "good bye". 

I will hug Gina (my amazing wonder woman of a teaching assistant) and cry because I will truly miss her and who she is to me.

 On Thursday, I will clean this mess up one more time and say good bye to the kayos, the stress, the frustration, the paperwork....oh the paperwork (I will not miss you). 
I will relinquish my burden and my keys to the new teacher recently hired.  She is full of new ideas, excitement and zest for the new position.  I am happy for her...just as I had been last June.  I was so happy!  This will be the last time the classroom looks this way.  After spring break, a new teacher a different design.  And that is good.   
I will say good bye to my families that welcomed me with open arms, brought me produce from their gardens and orchards and included me in Christmas giving. 

But I will say hello to my little family, that has been second in line since the teaching position began.  I will reclaim my place and title as stay at home mother to now 3 children with special needs.  I will have only two main titles in my life now...wife and mom.  Many other titles I have let fall by the way side.  I have learned a difficult lesson in all this.  I paid a high price and I am grateful for a God that is merciful and patient and that allows me grace when I make mistakes.  

I will say goodbye to this small town that decorates for the seasons.  I always felt a strong connection to my grandma and grandpa as I drove past the US Bank that my Grandy worked at for years. 
When I walk out of my portable classroom this coming Thursday, I will release the burdens I have carried for the last 9 months.  These baby gates helped slow down the escapees but never truly offered peace of mind for runners.  I will release the pressure to make sure I taught well enough, planned enough, did enough.  I never felt like I have ever been enough in this job.  And I never felt as though I have been enough at home.  It's been a lose/lose situation for me. 
So after much discussion, talking and praying, the answer to Mark and I was simple.  Come home.  Let it go.  Be mom.  Walk forward and don't look back.  Press on.  Continue the fight.  Take care of my family.  Take care of me.

Since accepting the position, I haven't taken care of myself.  I haven't been keeping up on appointments.  So it is time to focus on me.  I've been to see my primary care already.  I need to go to the dentist, dermatologist, and back to see my therapist.  I really need someone to help me process everything that has happened in the last 9 months.  I need to slow down, to stop even for awhile and breathe. 

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