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Friday, April 1, 2011

Worry


I wish I could shake this feeling of tiredness. I just feel so unsettled much of the time. I am pulled in too many directions and I feel not effective in any one area. It is frustrating. This month especially has been difficult. I think three of the five of us have been on antibiotics. I have filled more prescriptions that I can imagine and have managed 7 to 8 trips to various doctors. I wish I could have the luxury to just focus on the kids and the house. Gosh...it is a full time job in an of itself. With the medical and the therapies and the follow through it is so much. It seems any time Mark and I have together is a medical appointment for one of the kids. It's difficult to keep asking for someone to watch the kids after you feel like you ask them so much.

Can I be honest? I just feel like I am FAILING at EVERYTHING. I sit here in tears as my house lays in shambles because I can't seem to find the energy. Medical records need to be organized, the fridge cleaned out, carpets cleaned, bedding washed (again), etc., etc. It's hard to even unload the dishwasher when you have a baby that won't let you put her down. I took on a mentoring case through the Division of Children and Family Services this month for extra money and I have an interview with the Evergreen School District to work part-time at the Early Childhood Center (teacher special ed to 3 to 5 year olds, like I did with VECC). It is just a 2 month position. It sounds crazy, but financially we are treading water with some big expenses looming over our heads. We need a new roof, the car needs new tires, the van needs new tires and timing belt, Mark needs braces (not for cosmetic purposes but to help save his teeth from breaking down). I lay in bed at night and WORRY about where this is coming from and feel that it is my fault we are in this position because I chose not to return to work this last fall. So, I guess I take the responsibility on that I am the one that has to fix it. I don't know how it will all work. One sacrifice for another I guess. How do I make it all work? This is where I wish I could still call my dad on the phone and ask for help. He ALWAYS had an answer. Gosh I really miss him.

My HEART is with my KIDS and HOME. Luke requires so much. I am not complaining but stating a fact. There is NO manual that tells me how to raise him with MANY special needs. Currently with him I am managing 4 medications, glasses, a listening program (to help with sensory issues), glaucoma, tourette syndrome, adhd, microcephaly, his IEP re-eval, karate and OT. He needs extra help with homework and help being tutored with his handwriting. I LOVE being his mom. GRACE is doing well, but will be starting speech therapy on the 14th. She needs extra help with handwriting, needs extra attention. She is in ballet. ISABELLA, is on her third ear infection in 2 months, cut 4 molars, and needs my attention too. I haven't slept well in weeks.

I just want to feel like I can be successful in one area of my life instead of just "putting out fires". This was my day today...Left house at 8am to take Grace to school, got home took Bella to Albertson's to stock up on cereal and milk since they were having a great deal this week. Ran to post office to mail off World Vision Stuff, and mail off first part of adoption support re-negotiation for Luke. Paid PO Box fee. Luke went to the doctor for possible ear infection. Ran Bella home, handed her off to dad, changed clothes and went to MVCC for work teaching computers. Came home to an upset baby who proceeded to cry off an on till bed. Yesterday consisted of taking Grace to school, got home took Bella to 1 year check up. While visiting with doctor about Bella, talking about issues with Luke and getting some updates for him. Bella 4 shots and one iron check. Unhappy baby with an ear infection (still). Grabbed lunch on the way to pick up Grace from kindergarten. Got home took down some Valentine decorations, left to pick up Luke from school. Drove to Legacy Salmon Creek and participated with him in therapy. Bought him snacks when it was finished. Went to Target on way home to pick up Bella's prescription. Arrived home at 5:15pm, let Grandma go. Cooked dinner, 3 baths, homework, 3 medications and finally asleep kids. My question is where in the heck do I find time to squeeze more work into that. I could recap Wednesday, but it would be just as a crazy. Sigh. Maybe I am just venting. And thanks for reading if you have made it this far. My heart is torn and I am just looking for answers. I guess it is true when they say "No one can have it all". I just wish I could find a balance. I really wish we had a MONEY tree out back or I won the lottery. :)

I will keep praying that the State of Washington finds favor with my renegotiation for more adoption support. Maybe I can apply for disability for Luke? I don't know. I have been thinking about simplifying to help cut costs. We are also selling the truck. It will help cut gas expense and insurance. Any more IDEAS?

2 comments:

Logan and Jack's Mommy said...

Oh, Carissa. I have so been where you are at in terms of feeling like you are treading water just to keep afloat. Working endlessly, putting effort into the house, the kids, my husband, only to feel like I am (as you said) FAILING at EVERYTHING.
I read a blog called Enjoying the Small Things, and she recently posted about this. She said that if you are able to look closely at any mothers' life, you will see that if she's being successful at one thing, she's most definitely behind or lacking on another. Reading this made me take a deep breath, because I know it is true. I know that if I am being a good mom, my laundry is generally behind. If I am spending enough time with Josh, I am probably not getting enough sleep.
And sleep is another thing I totally feel you on. The boys are struggling with their third case of the flu. I was up all night last night with Jack. I am so tired it's hard to feel like I will ever be rested again. Especially with another baby on the way.
Just know that you are not alone. I don't think anyone with three kids, a husband and a house to run is ever on top of it all. I hope that you (and your kids) get healthy soon, that you are able to get some much needed rest (sleep makes everything seem easier) and that God has his will in your life regarding a job. I can't imagine how you will juggle all of Luke's therapies and appointments (not to mention Bella & Grace) with a job. You are an amazing provider from what I can see, always putting your family's needs above your own. Your kids are lucky to have you. Try and cut yourself some slack.
Hugs!!!

Carissa said...

Shelly...thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much. I know from reading your blog that you understand.I will have to try that blog you recommended. I can relate to everything you've said. I just keep waiting for that break that will make things ok. I just am such a planner that I "need" to know the plan. Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. I am praying for your boys too. My doctor said this has been the worst winter. Thanks again for everything. I really enjoy reading your blog.

Carissa

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