I turned 40 last week. How in the world can I be 40 already? I still feel 20! They say age is just a number. Yet, as a kid, someone who was 40 seemed so old and grown up. So, here I am 40, and I have to say this was a really hard birthday for me. I never struggled with turning any other age, but this one threw me for a loop. I spent a lot of time reflecting on where I thought I should be vs. where I actually am.
I thought at 40 I would be a well established teacher with a Master's degree and married with children. Well...I got the married with children thing correct. But the career and degree have never come to be. I have worked at various schools over the years, but have never felt a niche or a place I belonged. Currently, with Mark's work scheduled, I can't hold any job outside of the home because he works and "on call schedule". All that to say...I would love to work a part time job outside of the house to help contribute to our families financial situation, but it isn't possible.
Things have been tight financially for the last four months. The railroad has been slower, and Mark has worked fewer trips to Pasco and back. Which results in a smaller paycheck. The slower railroad schedule has come because of President's Trumps trade war and taxes on import/export items from overseas. This is what originally caused Mark to lose his mentorship position at BNSF, and had to go back to working the road with BNSF. It is hard for me to not be angry, and I have really struggled with anger lately. I get angry really easy when it effects my kids. And these changes....Mark being gone all the time with an unpredictable schedule effects my kids greatly. It seems no matter how hard we try...we can't get ahead. I understand it is life, and we go through tough seasons, but this has been an unusually tough season for us. Extra medical bills, the van needing new tires, Mark needing new glasses, and all the therapy copays has really taken a toll.
Bella has been in therapy since March for anxiety, which has been a huge answer to prayers. It has really helped her as well, and I have gained new insight and education on the role our brains play in anxiety and how to help calm her. Matthew has had bi monthly occupational therapy and I have had every other week therapy...because let's face it...I need someone to help me too.
Last Friday, after Matthew's annual reevaluation for occupational therapy, I found out that he will need weekly feeding therapy again. Feeding therapy is not something the school district will provide because feeding doesn't impact his education. So for the next three months or so, Matthew needs weekly feeding therapy in addition to his regular bi-monthly occupational therapy for sensory processing disorder. It means an additional $160 a month in co-pays in addition to the $240 co pays we spend on Bella and I. I am trying to not feel defeated, but it's tough as a mama. Of course we are going to get him the therapy. He needs it, and he will get it. But, it means sacrificing something to come up with the extra.
So...I am starting back to teaching VIPKID again. I taught a couple of classes last week, and have a few more this week as I slowly build up my students and schedule again. I wish I could say I am enthused for this journey again, but I am not. I know the sacrifice and the way my body feels in the late afternoons solo parenting after working so early. But, I am a mom, and life is fluid, and sometimes we have to do what we have to do for our babies. I'm trying to put on a brave face and have a good attitude about getting up early. Truth...I am still working on that. I need to teach 40 classes a month to cover all of the therapy co-pays. So that is my goal.
Mark and I spent last week deciding ways we are cutting back to help overall. One of the biggest changes will happened in September when all my kiddos will be students of Battle Ground School District. After six years of paying for private school, we no longer can afford the ever increasing tuition rates. Luke is just about to complete his freshman year at River Homelink and it has been an AMAZING program. So this fall, Grace and Bella will join him at River Homelink, and Matthew will be next door at the elementary school in the special education preschool. He will attend several days a week while he receives specialized instruction in the areas of adaptive and social/emotional/beahvioral skills.
Other ways we have been cutting costs are: I have been menu planning and calculating all purchases carefully at grocery stores. We used to eat out a lot for dinner, but now it is very rarely. The grill and I have become close friends. Our cell phone bill decreased because we finished paying off our phones and neither of us are getting the newest model, and our house payment decrease a bit due to taxes (which was a blessing). Come January Grace's braces will be paid off and we will have a nice long stretch till Bella needs them. Its little things but will help us overall as we move towards winter. I am also looking into what I would need to do become a tutor at our home for students with dyslexia. Perhaps I could make some additional money tutoring in our home. I also run an Etsy shop (Dahlhouse Design) selling jewelry items and keychains/purse charms. Sometimes we have to be creative.
I know tight finances and special needs families are a common thread. Needing a parent to be home and present all the time, the medical bills, and therapy costs, is another factor that effects the finances of special needs families. I know most of us would work if it was logistically possible, even to get out of the house for a few hours a day. Living on one-income is tough. It is possible but some seasons of life are more challenging than others. My faith is being stretched and I am desperately trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The thing about seasons is that winter eventually becomes spring, but sometimes in the darkness of winter it is difficult to imagine the beauty of spring. But we carry on bravely...because there is no other choice.
