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Thursday, July 28, 2011

"Titles"


I have to admit...I am struggling a bit.  I know mostly I write about the kids (or in particular Luke), but today my mind has been consumed by me (selfish I know).  Not consumed by what can I buy for myself, or time by myself, but really wondering what am I supposed to be doing?  I know it sounds like a silly question...duh..your a wife and mom...etc...etc... But what am I suppose to be doing for this next school year?  My mind works in teacher years (so this fall will be the beginning of a new year).  I DON'T have a class or a classroom for the fall. I don't even have any prospects.  I have been trying, and even went on a disastrous interview, but let's be honest...there isn't much out there right now.  Then I start to think....should I even have a classroom next year?  What is it that I should be doing this next school year? Usually nearing the beginning of fall I know exactly the path I am going down....

for awhile it was teacher....



or foster mom....or foster parent mentor...



then it was teacher again...


last year surivival mode....but what about this year?

I am struggling to find what I am supposed to be doing.  Sometimes I feel a lot of pressure to use my education since I worked so long and hard for it.  It is true...I feel a lot of pressure to teach...but maybe it isn't the season for teaching.  I had thought I was going to home school the kids, but that wasn't the right decision either for this year.  Maybe I am just looking too hard.  Maybe right now I just need to invest in my kids and let go of my other titles (which I have to admit is difficult for me).  I think (and I am just being honest here) that I find a lot of my self-worth in my titles, and when I don't have a title..ahhhmmm (like "teacher") I am not really sure what to do with myself.  I know that God is trying to teach me something in all this.  I know that I should look to HIM for my value and not find value based on what "title" I have.  But I have to admit...that is difficult for me.  I am not really a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl.  I like to know the plan...I NEED to know the plan.

But somewhere I keep hearing "maybe this is the season for not having a plan."  Yep...surrendering to the unknown and having FAITH that God, who sees the whole picture, will direct my path.  My dad used to preach an illustrated message about how we only see a very limited view of our lives and how God has the view of the entire picture.  That sort of reminds me of what I am feeling now.

Oh...how I MISS my dad.  Church has never been the same without him.  Sunday's continue to be the most difficult day of the week for me.  How do you change something that you did for 22 years of your life.  I admit it has been a struggle.  Sometimes during worship time in church currently, we will sing a song that my dad sang all those years leading worship, and I close my eyes and just listen.  And in my mind I can picture my dad in his gray suit playing his guitar.  I miss the simplicity of how he ran church.  He had such a love for people for his family....

Anyway... Psalms 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God."  And while I am in the midst of figuring out what path I should be going down, I will pray for direction and that I will find my value based on who I am rather than "my title".  I think more than anything else...I just want to use my time doing something that matters.  There are so many people doing incredible things in service to others...like my cousin Shauna who started "Pantry Packs" to feed students in the school she works out over the weekends.  How simple and important is that?  She saw a need and she did something about it.  I am inspired.  Or others that advocate for Orphans and Widows or others that advocate for children in Foster Care..etc.  I just want to do something that changes the world.      

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