Day 192: Grief

There is not one of us that has gone unscathed by grief during this pandemic.  It is a lingering friend, that has overstayed their welcome.  How many of you can identify something you are grieving about?  I can look around in my small inner circle of friends and family and identify all kinds of grief in the last 165 days.  Some have had to cancel travel plans and trips, and others the grief over losing their jobs.  Some...have been dealing with the unthinkable grief of losing a loved one during this time.  As if that is not hard enough (grieving for your loved one), they are often grieving the loss of being able to plan funerals and memorial services they way that they would have liked to.  

In my immediate family, my kiddos have grieved the loss of their "normal" world of school and friends.  In a matter of days, they lost their entire social circles, schools, teachers and routine.  Now, many months later they are grieving the start of their school years, by clicking buttons to enter and exit virtual classrooms.  My daughter started high school in her bedroom on a chrome book.  It was surely not the "welcome to high school" experience that I wanted for her.  The littlest Dahl has been asking to go to school everyday for the past two weeks.  "I want to go to school," he exclaims.  I wish buddy...I wish.   

Grief has touched each one of us.  Myself included.  I have shared this with approx. three people.  In February, I applied for graduate school.  It has been a dream of mine since 2005 to earn my masters degree in education.  I came very, very close to finishing my masters degree in 2007, and took a leave of absence from college because we had just adopted our second kiddo (Grace).  To make a long story short, I wasn't able to complete the last couple of classes due to miscommunication and a paper filing error on the schools part.  

It has taken me nearly nine years to let all of that go, to forgive and to have the courage to say, "I would like to try again."  So in February, I began the application process at George Fox University to earn my masters in education with a specialization in reading and literacy.  It took ALOT of work to apply.   Essays, letters of recommendation, transcripts, etc.  It was a long process.  I finally heard in July that I had been accepted into the program!  I was so excited!!! I paid the registration fee to hold my spot.  One week later...I found out that my kids would be distance learning again.  After so much soul searching I realized that I would not be able to do both (grad school and distance learn with my kids).  I contacted my advisor to tell him the news.  It was a very difficult call for me.  Ultimately, we decided to defer my start date until next fall and thankfully I do not have to reapply.  Giving that up this year was difficult for me and I am still processing the grief.

We’ve all lost things this year.  In fact, I have heard many people describe 2020 as “the lost year.”  I can’t help but thinking, “was there some great lesson I am supposed to be learning from all this?” But..maybe there isn’t any lesson to be learned.  Maybe life just is hard sometimes.  Circumstances stink and life isn’t fair.  I can’t control anything, and that is a scary feeling.  The one thing I can control is myself, my reactions, my attitude.  I’ll be honest...I’ve thrown some pretty ripping fits during all of this COVID crap.  I am not proud.  So not proud.   But more times than not I’ve been patient, or caring or tried to do the right thing.  So take heart my friends...keep showing up, keep trying, keep taking it day by day.  We can all get through this.  We can exist in spaces of grief and joy, sorrow and happiness, all

at the same time.

Coronavirus: Day 155

It's been awhile my sweet friends, but I am here.  I can hardly believe this is the 155th day of the coronavirus having an impact on our daily lives. I never would have thought or believed that when the quarantine began 155 days ago, that we would still be dealing with the virus.  Our daily lives have changed dramatically.  Our world looks different.  My children were supposed to return to the classroom this fall...but distance based learning will continue.  Last March, I would never have predicted we would continue online learning at the beginning of the new school year.  But here we are.  Here we all are.  

There isn't one person that hasn't been affected by this virus.  That thought is both comforting and unbelievable.  Never in my lifetime did this possibility ever enter my mind.  Despite the changes, and masks, and social distancing, and mandates and new rules...life continues on.  My dear readers...since life goes on even during the craziest of times, this is my attempt to catch you up on the goings on of life in our Dahlhouse.  Enjoy.

Let's start with the littlest Dahl.  Matthew is nearly 4.5 years old.  Wait...he is 4.5 years old today!  Crazy.  He is my little ray of sunshine, my sweet buddy and shadow...that is unless dad is around.  Then, I don't exist.  He has finally fully potty trained, even at night.  Bless! He continues to be obsessed with trains and vehicles.  Our house is one big area for building railroad tracks...upstairs, downstairs, tables, couches, under furniture, down the stairs...doesn't matter.  If there is open space, Matthew sees an opportunity to conduct his little trains all around the tracks.  He is at the age where he is looking for validation and feedback from adults.  So it seems every two seconds, "Hey mom, look at __________."  I respond to him and then the next five seconds, "Mom look at this cool railroad track," or "Mom are you proud of me?"  He has really began verbalizing and expressing himself where anyone can understand now.  In early September we have an appointment for another evaluation for feeding therapy at a new clinic.  I still feel there is work to be done in this area.  I have promised myself that I wasn't going to worry or "borrow trouble" over the lack of variety in his food choices during the coronavirus.  But, I would be lying if I didn't mention that those thoughts exist in the back of my mind. 

The littlest Dahl lady is our regular comic relief.  I continue to write down all the amazingly humorous comebacks she has.  Bella enjoys helping me around the kitchen, jumping on the trampoline and playing with her best friend on our street.  I am so thankful that she has a sweet friend to play with.  I often find them creating elaborate stories and worlds for their dolls.  It makes me smile as I eavesdrop on their conversations.  I am so glad they just get to be kids right now, even in the midst of a pandemic.  Bella has been very artistic and dabbling in just about every form of art medium there is.  She has also taken to rearranging her room four to five times since March (just like her mama).  

Grace is our in house baker and has been making the most delicious baked goods.  Snickerdoodles, brownies, banana bread, cowboy cookies, no bake cookies, rice crispy treats.  She is amazing.  Grace is very into Kpop these days (Korean pop music) like most of her friends.  She enjoys her group of girl friends and I am so thankful that they have been able to get together more and hangout.

Luke has spent a lot of time learning the ways of Minecraft.  I enjoy hearing his conversations from downstairs while he is playing with his friend.  Well...mostly.  My boy can be LOUD!  Every so often from the family room I hear Luke upstairs yell, "Yaaaaaa.....let's GOOOOOO!"  or "I need help, I need help, I need help."  It makes me smile.  Luke and I have played a lot of board games.  Currently, Sequence is our fav.  I think I am on a winning streak right now.  I do not go easy on my kids when it comes to games.  Lol.  We've also dabbled in a bit of Monopoly too.  

Mark has been working tirelessly for BNSF.  He will celebrate his 16th year with his company in October.  After nearly two years working the road and traveling with the trains, he is coming back to the yard to work a predictable schedule and have set days off.  It is time.  We all miss him terribly and the weird, unpredictable hours have been more difficult for him.  Also, with this year going to be distance learning for awhile with four kids, Mark's help will be extremely valuable.  He looks forward to doing projects, hunting and fishing and finally being able to ride his motorbike.  I am so, so grateful for his hard work for our family.

I have been keeping things together here at the Dahlhouse, or at least attempting to.  I started a new independent contractor position with a company called Outschool.  It's been amazing so far.  I am writing and creating classes and teaching them via Zoom.  It has been awesome to not have to get up at 4:00am and also get to tap into my creative side.  I'll be scaling back some of my classes this fall because I have to make certain that I am fully available for my kids and their distance learning schedules.  I continue to go to my weekly therapy sessions with my counselor.  I am so thankful to have someone to help with my mental health during this time of the Coronavirus.  I am certainly not ashamed to say hey, "I need help."  It makes me a better mom, a better wife, a better friend and a better version of myself.  

As we begin gearing up for fall, I am reminded that this season of pandemic will end.  It will not be forever.  I am holding onto that thought, and believing for brighter days ahead.

Coronavirus: Railroad Wife Edition (Day 66)

Someone asked me the other day, “when is Mark going to be on a “normal” Work schedule again?”  Oh if I had a dollar for every time I have been asked that in the last 18 months!  LOL.  I wish I had answer and knew.  Believe me...there is no one who wants that more than this girl right here.  I think the best answer I can give to that question is when I decide to go back to work as a teacher.  Even part time teaching would be enough money for Mark to work in the train yard instead of traveling on the trains.  The train yard equals a set schedule with set days off.  You see...I had this plan...we had this plan.  I have worked all school year on taking the necessary requirements to renew my teaching license.  I finally finished this past month and submitted all the necessary documentation to the state. But as we all know...the coronavirus is here and has disrupted all our lives.  They really aren’t hiring any teachers right now. Ive applied for a few jobs, but have heard nothing.  VIPKid has decided to cut teacher pay across the board starting August 1. Finally, I had enough bad news and called my mom yesterday and just let it all out (vented, cried, laughed...all the emotions).  Now...we just wait.  

What is it like to live an “on call” schedule with a family?  Mark works for the BNSF Railway as a train conductor.  He has been doing various positions within the company for the past almost 16 years.  My favorite position was when he mentored in Kalama, WA, and my least is him working the “road” or traveling with the train to Pasco and back.  

We have learned to exist in this place where we literally cannot plan anything ahead of time.  Everything, except for his vacation weeks, is done last minute.  Birthday parties, dates, meeting with friends, making appointments, holidays, school events, etc. is all decided last minute.  For example, last week was my birthday and mom is wanted to plan a BBQ.  Mark decided to take some personal leave days last week so we could make plans to celebrate my birthday, otherwise it would have been up to the railroad gods what would have happened.  Mom is great about being flexible and making things work too.  

Sometimes I am relaxed and go-with-the-flow and sometimes I HATE it so much.  It is difficult to not be able to plan, And it is also difficult to know exactly how long he has off between trips.  Mark gets a specific amount of “rest time” before they can call him again.  Sometimes Mark can predict when he will get his call for work, and sometimes he is way wrong.  The phone can ring at anytime day or night.  Many nights he kisses me goodbye at 2am, 4am etc.  We just never know.  

Mark and I are planners.  We want to plan.  We want to go out with friends.  But sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  Ive learned to be okay with it mostly, although some days it gets to me (like everyone else).  Ive learned to live in the space of the unknown and needing to be flexible.  When Mark leaves for a trip to Pasco he is usually gone 36 to 48 hours (occasionally sometimes more).  I am on my own.  I have learned to be more self-reliant.  I have fixed vacuums, rescued toddlers from locking themselves in bedrooms, repaired broken trains, fixed TVs, navigated tire rotation, emergency trips to the ER, and I am sure a zillion other little things.  I manage the house, the kids, the bills, the appointments and everything else. 

In the beginning of our marriage Mark worked for a high voltage electrical testing and maintenance company.  I would often spend days and weeks on my own as the company traveled to different work sites.  I think the longest trip apart we had was a little over one month.  He traveled to Texas and then Ohio.  I learned to be independent and self reliant.  It is more different now with kids.  I navigate the physical, emotional and now educational needs of these fabulous four kiddos.  Most days go by in a blur.  Me moving from one task to the next in a kind of choreographed dance.  From dressing, cooking, potty training, and Zoom meetings...to wiping floors, tables and sticky hands...to managing medicine, appointments and behavior...to cleaning toddlers and toilets, clothes and floors.  And before I know it finally to drop into bed at night only to rise in the morning and do it all over again.  

I am not really sure where I am going with this post only to say parenting is hard.  Whether single parenting or both partners together, foster parenting, grandparents raising kiddos...caretaking is hard work.  We all face our challenges, especially in this time of pandemic.  Carry on my fierce friends...we got this!

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 61

Quarantine day 7582, or so it feels like it...What day is it today?  I could have sworn that yesterday was Friday and not Thursday.  How is life going where you are at?  We are here...we are surviving. My house is currently a mess, and I.have.given.up!  Want to get out all your trains?  Sure.  Want to rearrange your bedroom furniture?  Why not.  You want to use the glue gun for the first time?  No problem just don’t burn yourself too badly.  We aren’t going to the ER.  My defenses are permanently down and as long as they are getting along and happy I am ALL for it.  

Currently Miss B is in constant “project mode.”  She always has something up her sleeve and most of her conversations with me begin, “I know you might say no...” But lately “yes” has been the only thing coming out of my mouth.  This week has been popsicle sticks and glue gun week.  Y’all I literally had to use a butter knife to peel up the hot glue stuck to my floor.  I am certain I have no more glue gun sticks and we’ve been through a zillion sticks, but her heart is happy.

She has also asked me to teach her how to sew.  Now...my sewing are pretty basic, but it didn’t stop us from making a Pioneer girl dress and bonnet for her social studies class.

We’ve been having other adventures including jumping on the new trampoline.

 Buying concessions at our favorite local movie theatre and having family movie nights.

I even let the littles make slime.  And I HATE slime.

Backyard fishing...

Silly straw drinking...

New bicycle riding for this babe.

I was able to finish a photo book of our trip to Hawaii two years ago.  I really enjoyed making it; however, it only made me want to go to Hawaii more.

We’ve had several virtual doctor’s appointments and therapy appointments.  I’m telling you...I feel like the household manager keeping track of every Zoom meeting both educational, medical and therapy.

I was so happy to be able to celebrate Mother’s Day at a social distance with my mom and Roger.  It made me feel happy to see them and talk to them even though we couldn’t hug.  Mark BBQd and I set up this special social distance space for them and to honor mom on Mother’s Day.  We were able to FaceTime with my brother and sister and it was almost the perfect day.  It would have been perfect had David and Katie been with us.  I miss them so much.

Last weekend we had some great weather, and since neither Mark nor I are saying “no” to anything at this point, the littles talked him into blowing up their pool and floats.  And they swam the afternoon away.

Don’t let these happy pictures fool you and think things are just “picture perfect” around here. Because I am the first one to line up and tell you I am struggling.  Some days it is just plain difficult to get out of bed.  I even text my mom one day this week (can’t remember which ha!) that I knew today was going to be hard.  Each day feels the same as the next with very little variance.  The days Mark is home I feel a bit better and motivated to help him with anything he is working on.  Honestly, the kids school assignments, zoom meetings and moving from one kid to the next has zapped all my energy.  If there was an end date set on this quarantine I could talk myself up and make it through.  It’s all the unknowns that leave me feeling uneasy and sometimes panicky.  And then the what if’s show up... What if the kids don’t go back to school in the fall?  What if Mark gets laid off from work?  What if we get the Coronavirus?  I am finding it difficult to know what to believe.  What is truth and what is not, and how to navigate this new, weird world around us.  

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 42

Can I go to Target yet?  I am missing me some Target.  LOL.  Day 42 of quarantine.  In case any of you are curious, I am up to 63 loads of laundry during this quarantine.  My hair is a hot mess.  I missed my hair appointment by two days before the shut down. My nails are short, and the makeup I ordered from Macy’s two and half weeks ago has yet to come.  

To be honest, I had a good cry today.  Everyday just kind of feels the same.  Matthew was worried when he saw me cry.  “Why are you sad mom? I’ll make you feel better,” and he gives me a kiss.  Sweet babe.  I told him I was just done with the Coronavirus.  I miss my people.  I miss the kids’ school and play dates with friends.  I am trying to find the normal with Zoom school but man it is sooo not the same.  I am still grieving, like I am sure we are all grieving.  

I found out yesterday that our reservation at Great Wolf Lodge was cancelled.  It was scheduled for June 14.  They are opening up June 16.  Even though I kind of figured it would be cancelled, I was still sad.  I know we will reschedule for a later time, but it would have been nice to get away and go.  

Some days I feel like my life is cook a meal, clean a meal, cook a meal, clean a meal, cook a meal, clean up a meal.  Do they really need to eat again?!?!  I kid...but wow.  I feel like I haven’t ever done this much cooking.  

The kids are troopers.  I realize it is as difficult for them as it is for me.  Bella and walk the neighborhood in the evenings and she has decided she is redecorating our front porch and flower bed.  She feels designing is her calling.  Haha. That girl.  She has looked at all the houses in our neighborhood for inspiration.  She had me out weeding the flower bed with her yesterday so Mark would go to Lowe’s and buy all the flowers on her list.  Off Mark went to Lowe’s today and came home with flowers, shrubs and a gardening kit for Bella.  She has us both wrapped around her finger.  

This time shall pass, and things will go on...perhaps different than before, but I know life will continue.  I know I will be thankful for things that I once took for granted, like having lunch with my mom, the kids’ schools, eating a restaurant with my husband.  It is these things I keep in my thoughts and look to the future with hope.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 29

I've done 43 loads of laundry since the quarantine started.  I really have no idea why I am keeping track of that, other than it is something interesting.  One load in the washer...one tally mark.  The cycle will continue...wash cycle, dry cycle, fold cycle, repeat...over and over and over again.

I've read 4 books since we've been home, and played many rounds of Yahtzee. I am currently being tutored by Luke on how to play Sequence.  I have yet to do any puzzles even though I enjoy them.  I have a couple of them waiting to be put together.  I can't do a puzzle without thinking of my Grandy.  She and I used to do puzzles together when I would stay the night with them at their house as a child. Such good memories.

The weather has been very nice this past week.  It was above 70 degrees a few days this last week, which means only one thing to my littles "swimming".  We have one tiny, and I mean TINY, blue swimming pool.  Miss B got it all set up.  She had chairs, and towels and toys for her and Man Cub.  They were sitting "poolside" with their feet in the water.  Oh. my. gosh.  I just love them so much.

This past week felt more "normal" than any of the others since we've been quarantined.  The majority of time is spent doing school with the kids, checking Google Classroom, responding to emails, and setting kids up in Zoom meetings.  Wow...even as a teacher, it is an undertaking.  I keep reminding myself that I don't have to be perfect.  My goal is focusing on what I feel are the basic subjects/skills: Reading, Writing and Math.  Luke still has World History and Chemistry and Health, but with the girls we are just scaling back and focusing on those things.  I try and be finished by 1pm so the kids can have the afternoon to relax, chat with friends, play video games and outside play.  I enjoy reading and I need time to get other things done too (laundry, bills, cleaning, planning, cooking).

Matthew has finally decided that going potty isn't as scary as he once thought.  So, in the midst of schooling all the kids, I am running him to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so (which is so fun, let me tell you).He is really doing well, but still behind other kids his age in this skill.  He has had some great success, and those Thomas the Train underwear really are the cutest on him.  My favorite is when he goes into the bathroom, he looks at me and says, “I’m doing really great mom!”  Yes buddy, yes you are.

This past week, I was able to sew some masks for our family and for some friends. I realized I had all the supplies on hand because I make hair scrunchies.  It took me a few patterns before I found the one that worked for me. Making masks made me feel happy and productive.  It was a way I could give back to others during this time.

And in other news...Mark and I finished watching "Tiger King." Although, Mark could never say the title of the show correctly, which was hilarious!  He would say to me, "Babe you want to watch "Tiger Shark?"  Or, "You want to watch "Shark Tank?"  "Ummm nope," I would laugh.  He even called "Joe Exotic"  "Joe Dirt."  Oh my goodness...Mark makes me laugh.  "Tiger King" was a weird, bizarre distraction from the Coronavirus, and we now know what everyone is talking about.  LOL.

Quarantined: Coronavirus Day 20

Today has been hard.  I think we are all grieving in our different ways for things we have lost.  Teen girl desperately misses her friends and the mall.  Teen boy misses all the people on our block and the animals.  He misses school too.  Pre-teen girl misses her friends at school, and playing outside with her bestie on our block.  Man Cub misses Wal Mart and Great Wolf Lodge.  I am missing my support system, nail salon and hugging my mom.

I am hopeful with some nice weather heading our way this next week, that being outside and soaking in the vitamin D will help our moods improve a bit.  We do practice being thankful.  We have so much to be thankful for: a warm home, our health, food, a covered back patio and so much more.  But I know how important it is to acknowledge our feelings and feel them when they happen.  Grace upon grace...so much grace friends.

So instead of sharing all the difficult this past week...I want to share some joy.  Miss B is full of humor and comic relief when you need it.  I want to share just a few of the things she has said.  For the past several months, I have been writing down the hilarious things she says...who knows? Maybe someday I will write a book.

Without further ado here is Life According to Bella:

Getting out of the shower this week Bella says to me, "I'm becoming a real woman because I now need the hair towel."  

Mark talking to the kids about being thankful.
Mark: "I need you take what I am saying seriously."
Bella: "I can't take anything seriously."

Bella came into my bathroom this morning while I was getting ready for the day.
Bella: "Mom, Dad made breakfast again and it was better than last time.  Nothing was burnt.  He made French toast, bacon, and a side of Luke arguing about everything."

I was talking to Bella last week
Me: "Matthew seems happier now."

Bella: "That's because he's with the fun master!"

Luke and Bella talking about wanting Menchi's (frozen yogurt).  

Bella: "Oh, I haven't had Menchi's in forever!"

Luke: "I thought you can't have the dairy in the yogurt?"

Bella: "Oh well...I can power through it."

Bella announces to me, "Mom, I want to go to the Burj Khalifa."

Me: "what????"

Bella: "You know the tallest tower in the world in Dubai.  Hashtag goals."

I am so glad for the gift of my kids, even if they are difficult and drive me crazy at times.  They bring such joy and I am grateful for their companionship during this time.  Someday we will look back and see what a gift this was.